headstrong

Also noteworthy.

2008-02-21T16:08:00.000-08:00

The bad news? I have mastitis.

The good news? I have had it before and know what to do about it (and also happen to have a beautiful friend who has the power to 'call in antibiotics'!)

The best news of all?

My big boy, my five, almost six year old son, lost his first tooth today! And loved it!

Worth it.

2008-02-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

We've been ill. All of us staggered over the last few weeks. But this little package of deliciousness? He makes it totally worth it.

Serious question.

2008-02-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

Does it really work to put Vicks on the bottoms of your feet to suppress coughing at night?

Tell it to me straight. I can take it. If it works, I'm totally doing it.

Out with the old, in with the new.

2008-02-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

The old would be all the contractors that have been in my house since we moved in. We're done with them. Yes, I said it. We're done. Until Spring.

We had a huge party over the weekend to say "thank you" to all those who helped us and to open our home to all those friends that have seen us through. There were over 30 people here, playing board games, poker, cards, wandering through the house and eating and drinking lots of deliciousness. We thank them.

The "new" would be the illness that seems to be ravaging my family right now. My posts have been infrequent, at best, and I vowed that this week would see a turnaround. Not quite so. God seems to have some plans of his own.

This illness? It involves, laryngitis, eye goop, deep chest coughing, nasal congestion, and a general feeling of exhaustion. I saw a mirage yesterday. I thought it was just me and I thought I was on the upswing of it. This morning, however, I see that I am not alone. We will trudge on and this week will be one of rest and recuperation. I will lounge and snuggle babies and read to them often. Because there are no contractors here, and because I don't have any other appointments than working out in the early morning and because my children need me and because...

I can.

God is good.

This just in:

2008-02-08T16:19:00.001-08:00

My baby likes binkies. Since when?! I don't know, but it's amazing to watch. He also has two teeth, crawls and tries to pull himself up. I wasn't prepared for it but it seems to be happening right before my eyes. He's growing up. Quite blatantly.

Since this is a Lenten Friday, we are headed up to the school gym tonight for family Stations of the Cross and a simple soup supper afterward. I have never looked so forward to simplicity in all my life. I worked out (with weights and everything!) at the gym yesterday and it hurt to walk down the stairs this morning. I am thinking simple is good. Very good, tonight.

Also, after reading Danielle's suggestion, we made a crown of thorns for our own dining room table. It was very cool to do with the kids and quite the teachable moment as we rolled out three long strands (representing the Holy Trinity), braided them, and placed toothpicks in the completed ring. It looks as authentic as dough and salt can and, as hypothesized, Ella is all over the good deeds. The boys are into it too but not quite like their sister. "Mom? Can I put that cup in the dishwasher for you? Mom? Can I clean the toys up for the baby? Mom? Can I unwrap that piece of gum for you?"

Yeah, that's my girl. All about the rewards.

I have the Liturgy of the Hours, I have my Regnum Christi reflections for the day, I have my children to teach in the mornings, I have Stations of the Cross, I have a serious hunger for all things sweet. I am well on my way to mortification.

Shrove Tuesday.

2008-02-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

We just returned from a feast of pancakes, ham, eggs, juice and coffee with cream. It was good. We were made ready.

Lord, give us grace to inaugurate with holy fasting the defenses of Christian warfare, so that we who are to fight against spiritual wickedness may be helped and strengthened by self-denial.

Amen.

A Blessed and spiritually fruitful Lent to you all and thank you for you love, gentle words, prayers and support. Today was a good day.

Depression is a funny thing.

2008-02-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it can take the form of a sleepless woman, lying awake thinking about her failures or weaknesses. Sometimes it can take the shape of a new mom, drowning in despair or feelings of being lost. Sometimes it strikes teens who, thrown into a world quite too big for them, begin to feel as if nothing they do is right, the person that God made them to be isn't good enough. No matter what it looks like, there is a way out. Sometimes it's a long way off, other times it is just a few encouraging phone calls, a couple blog entries, or a couple prayer group meetings away. I am thanking God that I happen to be one for whom the latter seems to be working.

A few beautiful blogging friends have shared about feelings of being in limbo, disorganized or like their lives are just feeling dim these days. They haven't wanted to share that. They have been biding their time until the cloud passes. I have been waiting, too. I've been waiting to feel 'like myself' again before I blog. Well, I can't wait any longer. It felt so good to have a prayer group meeting this morning, welcome a new mom who is pregnant with her fifth and have a mini baby shower for another mommy (who happens also to be Paxton's Kindgarten teacher). It felt good to have people in my home, the work-in-progress that it is. To be okay with the fact that things are undone and I can give it up amongst these women who see me clearly. They see my faith. They see my feelings of being overwhelmed. They see my fear of not being good enough. They see me struggle with being open to life and at the same time worrying that the fact that, for right now, I am just tired of being pregnant or nursing, means that I am not open to life. Is that what it means? I hope not. I pray not. I pray.

We have been inundated with contractors coming and going , children (other peoples') coming and going, Catholic Schools Week and all the insanity that comes with celebrations and activities at the school every day, and sick children for what has been almost three weeks now. I am tired. My husband is tired. As my mom says, exhaustion colors the way you see everything. Yesterday was the first day in a week that I hadn't cried at some point in the day. Steve's mom came over and did our laundry. All day. She snuggled babies, folded clothes and sacrificed her day to help me. I didn't cry yesterday. I wanted to sing. I loved having the help and at the same felt guilty for taking it and shhhh....enjoying it. A lot.

How do we practice mortification and prioritize the 5 p's at the same time? 1)How do we glorify God, 2)offer up our sacrifices with a smile on our faces, 3) put others first, 4) do the work to obtain graces so that we can keep doing the work, and at the same time take care of ourselves and ask for what we need so that we can keep doing numbers 1 through 4?

Depression, for me, does not take on the form of lying in bed all day, not getting things done or sleeplessness (although that happens naturally when you have sick children, of course). For me, it looks like feeling overwhelmed, feelings of self-loathe or not being good enough, begging God to just disclose to me what he wants from me. In the silence of my own mind, of course. Because to share it? That's weakness, that's whining. Nobody wants to hear me whine.

That's junk.

I am sharing, dang it. I am sharing it because I know that every single person who reads this blog knows me--be it virtually relating or physically seeing one another regularly. You know me. You know I am happy. I strive to follow commandments. I share what I have with others. I try to put others first. I give. I am grateful for my many, many blessings. I have a deep, abiding faith that God will always take care of me, never abandon me, and that He offered Himself fully so that I might have life. A dang good one at that.

I also happen to be a little down. Depressed. There. I said it. Relatively, it's a tiny cloud. Nonetheless, it's a cloud. A cloud I am not used to or comfortable with. A cloud that will go away, little by little, if I ask God to help me see through it. If I share with those of you who know and love me. It makes no sense. It rarely does, I know. So...this too shall pass. Until it does? I'll just be here, praying and keeping my side of the street clean.

Pray for me. Love me. Advise me.

And know that I am grateful. Eternally grateful that I have this safe place to ask for some prayers from women who trust God like I do and who know what it is to feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. Or like there are too many.

That which doesn't kill you.

2008-01-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ella: Mom, can I go get my ponies out of the van?

Me: Dad took Pax to school so it's not here right now. Are you sure they're in the van?

Ella: Absolutely.

I haven't had time for much else than nursing sick children, literally nursing the baby, and random tidying here and there. We have had more contractors in the house over the last three days, an appraiser here this morning, kids with high fevers and croup and preparing to have one of Paxton's schoolmates with us for 9 days while his parents are in Hawaii. I wish I were in Hawaii. Who am I kidding? I'd just love a 15-20 minute shower.

Things are looking much better around here, both in the illness department and in the finish work department. Pictures will come soon. If it kills me.

Like a brownie?

2008-01-20T15:10:00.001-08:00

Me: Ella, honey, you have a fever. Do you feel cold?

Ella: A little. Just on the edges though, not in the inside.

Ah.

Nothing more to say.

2008-01-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

This is worth every second it will take to watch it.

It was so good and made me laugh so hard.

Little things come from little prayers.

2008-01-19T15:30:00.001-08:00

This morning I had a feeling it was going to be a long day. Steve was on his way out the door for the day, two out of three kids are sick and one is teething. I got to 'sleep in' until 6:30ish so at least I had that working for me. I had two cups of coffee and began some prayers. All I could muster this morning with malady that surrounded me was this;

Lord, please help me to see the little things today. Help me to feel little rewards and to help me know what to do next. I do this for You. Open my lips.

Conversations that have taken place so far in the day:

Me: Ella, will you please run upstairs and grab me the diaper cream? Baby Roan has a bad rash from teething.

Ella: Sure, but..... I don't know what it looks like.

Paxton: (from the corner of the room bundled up with blankets with a weak, hoarse, pitiful sounding voice) Ella, it's the white one with the teddy bear on it.

Later...

Ella: Now that the baby is asleep, let's have a conversation.

Me: Okay, honey, what do you want to have a conversation about?

Ella: I don't know. You decide.

Just a moment ago...

Paxton: Mom? Can I have some ice cream since I'm sick?

Me: Paxton, you haven't had much to eat all day, honey, and I want you to have something nutritious before you have ice cream.

Paxton: How about a vitamin?

Me: How about after Shepherd goes to bed tonight?

Paxton: Okay. That's good. I like pajama days.

Thank you, Lord. For the little things.

Barking, hacking and fevers....Oh my!

2008-01-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

Croup. It's a stinker.

Looks like while Daddy is at the Called and Gifted Workshop all day today, we'll be lounging with our blankets and nebulizers.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything? You'll have to wait.

Day two.

2008-01-17T08:10:00.000-08:00

This is the second morning that Steve and I have gotten up at 5:00 and 5:30am, respectively. He brings me the baby to nurse, and hops in the shower. I finish feeding the baby and get in the shower at 5:30. We rise, we shower, we pray and read the news, we sip coffee. We talk. And it's awesome.

I will be praying for help to make it last. I know that these things to help us stay focused are always the first things to go in times of chaos. What I need to pray about is that God help me to make it a priority and the He remind me of the peaceful feelings that infiltrate my entire day after I begin it with prayer.

When I was pregnant, I was getting up at 5:30, going to Curves to work out before anyone was awake, coming home and making breakfast. I loved it. It felt so good and it was the right time of day for me to take care of myself without having to disrupt anyone else's schedule. Now, with a nursing baby...well, let's just say the idea of bouncing that early in the morning just seems painful, if you know what I mean. My one year membership was up in November and I had the option to renew. I didn't. That is fine but it leaves me with needing to figure out what I will do now to get some exercise. We have a great treadmill. I think it's time she and I get reaquainted in the evenings, after the kids are in bed. That just seems like a much less painful time to bounce.

My mom has heard me whine many times that I just wish I had time to pray, like priests and nuns. Did she just listen in vain? No! She bought me the complete set of The Liturgy of The Hours. Whoa. I have been doing it in the mornings...most afternoons and occasionally I remember in the evenings. It is beautiful, structured, and...intense. If this doesn't help me to grow, nothing will!

So...for the new year, back in with the family rosary (which fell to the wayside when the intensity of homebuilding picked up), back in with early morning rising (which fell to the wayside promptly after giving birth), and back in with exercise (which fell to the wayside after ....engorgement.)

Happy New Year to you and here's hoping that any and all changes you are making in your lives are coming with more ease than difficulty!

Pictures to share.

2008-01-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

I actually converted this photo to black and white. I cannot seem to find it in iPhoto anywhere! If Ella could wear a fake flower in her hair every day of her life she'd be in seventh Heaven. I am just way too boring. The other day, Grandma stopped by to give Ella a book; "Fancy Nancy". Ella has probably read it 35 times already. 'Nancy' epitomizes Ella in every way.

My adorable toothless wonder. Shepherd is a walking accident. Steve and I catch ourselves holding or our breath and gasping way too often when we're playing with him. That boy's guardian angel must be getting overtime.
Roan is beautiful. He is actually bigger than this now. The other day, I thought to myself, 'I wonder if he can sit up yet.' I walked over, sat him up, and he stayed there and played for quite a long time. Who knew?! Ah...the beauty of the fourth. His eyes are totally captivating and he belly laughs regularly.

Here is my sweet Pax. I cannot believe I gave birth to this wonder nearly 6 years ago! It seems like just yesterday. Although he goes to a Catholic school all day, he still gets giddy with excitement about going to CCD on Wednesday nights. He loves airplanes and trains and electricity and weather occurances...mostly things I don't understand. But his Daddy happens to find those things VERY cool. It's a beautiful relationship.
Shepherd in our new breafast nook. Where we actually eat sitting in chairs again! In the rental, we sat "cris cross" around a coffee table for dinner every night. No joke. There was no room for even a dining table.
This is the view from the front door. Obviously the Christmas tree and the poinsettias are gone, but you get the idea.

The time has come.

2008-01-15T19:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, friends, I'm back. Sort of.

I have missed you all SO MUCH lately. Has it really been that long? It sure has. My how time flies when you are unpacking and setting up shop.

We did, in fact, move in right before Christmas. Shhh....our final inspection is tomorrow. Do you think he'll notice the master deck with no railing? Or the jimmy-rigged staircases leading into both garages? Nah. I'll make him brownies and offer some coffee.

(Don't worry. Steve temporarily took care of all the items that need to be signed off on. :))

There are many things that are unfinished but many, many more that are. I am happy to say that we are finally to a point where I can relax a bit in the evenings. Until now, as soon as I get all four kids down for the night it's back to work for Mommy and Daddy. I actually went to the movie theater the other night and saw a movie! Can you believe it? I put on, like, real clothes and everything. My friends around here keep asking me if I am going to reemerge any time soon. You know, the real me. Not the I'll-talk-to-you-for-20-minutes-but-then-I-have-to-go-because-I-only-have-so-much-naptime-within-which-I-can-be-productive me.

Six of us going from living in essentially 700-800 usable square feet to well over 4,000 has been such a beautiful blessing. The first couple days we were here, while I was tidying this, cleaning that, or unpacking these, I could hear the kids. Playing. Running. Laughing. Rolling around on the floor in their rooms. They were giggling again. It was the most beautiful sound I had heard in nine months. I couldn't stop them. Not yet. It was Christmastime and it was beautiful. I was tired. Exhausted, really. As was Steve. But our kids? They still haven't stopped playing. We actually have a family room now! Where we can all sit together (on the floor because we don't have enough furniture yet!), snuggle up, and watch a movie.

I didn't realize it until recently but we really did sort of put our lives on hold a bit while we were in the rental. I made it as much like home as I could but it never really felt like my home. I don't feel like my heart every really rested there. Does that make sense? Everyone that came to see us in the rental agreed. For 700 square feet the layout could have been MUCH better. We lived in Steve's parents garage for about six months when we were going to build about three years ago. It was 400 square feet. It felt like a mansion compared to that rental!

Did you know that if you wait to put up a real tree until Christmas eve, and then you go to a lot to pick one up, usually they are on their way to the dump? With the little, crummy, sad looking trees and with the huge, insanely overpriced and gorgeous, intoxicatingly scented Noble Firs? Yeah, we got two of those babies. For 20 bucks. Steve went out to get us a tree and came home with two nine-foot Noble Firs. The nice man told him he could have them for free but Steve felt too bad taking such beauts without some kind of payment. We promptly stopped unpacking and cleaning, put on some Christmas music, lit a fire, and decorated the trees. The kids had a ball and so did we. It finally felt like Christmas ( I hadn't even decorated the rental, knowing we were moving). We decorated the house, made baked brie and crackers, and drank cider and champagne. Merry Christmas Team Prentice!

After Christmas Mass in the morning, Grandma and Grandpa came over and we had a lovely time together, opened gifts and had a great dinner (cooked mostly by Steve's mom since I was not adequately prepared to host much just yet!). My mom and Stepdad came a few days later and we had another Christmas celebration! It was so wonderful to finally be able to have other people spend the night in my home again! To have a place for guests is just. so. us.

I haven't taken many pictures of the house just yet. I am sort of waiting until things look...well...I won't mince words here, perfect. Yes, that's right. You read it. I want them to look perfect. What was that you said? I couldn't hear you over my delusional brain noise. Who am I kidding? I'll start taking some pictures. Soon. Just as soon as we finish the kitchen cabinets this coming Tuesday. And after we get our dining room table. And after those dummy knobs are on. And after we have a shower head in our master shower.

Last night was a long night, as I fear this one might be. I have one baby cutting his first teeth and another, bigger baby, cutting his two year molars. Steve and I took turns comforting the respective babies for much of the very early morning hours. The ones that are too late to be called 'midnight' but too early to be called 'morning'. Those hours are buggers. So are bulging, irritated, red gums apparently. Poor babies.

School started back up on the 3rd of January and we have since been trying our darndest to got back into a good routine, a routine that works for everyone. I am finding that there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day. I must go back to getting up at 5:30. I know it seems silly but, for me, it seems to make a difference. I start my day off right. I meet the day instead of the day meeting me. I can shower, sip coffee, nurse the baby, pray and prepare breakfast all before I hear any pitter patter whatsoever. I have mentioned it to Steve a couple times now but the reception is luke warm. Let's just say my beautiful husband isn't exactly a 'morning person'. Was that delicate enough, Honey? ('morning person' is code for one who is able to think AND move at the SAME time before 8 or 9am)

So, the time has come for me to stop waiting for the house to be perfect and to start back into a routine, carving out prayer time, Mommy exercise time, family time, phone call return time, and meal prep time. I am good on the family time and the meal prep time. The rest? It's a struggle every day. Some sweet friends of mine have mentioned reading again Holly Pierlot's "A Mother's Rule of Life". Once I get to the boxes marked "books" in the garage I am going to get right on that.

I have missed so many of you. Have I said that yet? I will post the pictures that I just ordered from Kodak to go on our wall in our living room and hopefully you'll feel like you're sitting here, next to the fire sipping coffee right along with us.

*end note*-I tried to post some pics but blogger wouldn't let me. Ornery blogger.

Deep thoughts by Ella.

2007-12-28T20:02:00.000-08:00

We have been out of commission for a few days since the big move. New construction is a messy, messy, dirty, filthy thing. I have more cleaning to do that I can even describe. But, trudge on I shall. We are making serious headway. Tilers, electricians and plumbers still come in and out during the day, clawfoots and pedestals are left to be set, and trim paint is needed on the stairs. Trudge on we shall. It beats the rental every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

We had a beautiful Christmas, really, with family coming and going and more to come tomorrow. We like to drag this partying business out as long as we can! Happy Birthday, Christ Jesus, and thank you beyond all thank you's for this amazing life and these amazing blessings. We are luckier than we ever deserved.

I don't have much time for further reflection so I'll leave you, for now, with a deep thought by Ella Marie;

"Yesterday is tomorrow that already happened in the past."

Ahem....Confucius? Is that you? Or could it be Yogi Berra?

Merry Christmas.....we're moving!

2007-12-20T18:56:00.001-08:00

So, our stint in purgatory is over.

The rental will see the last of us tomorrow. The season of waiting us upon us and we can see the Coming straight ahead of us. HOPE is in season. Steve, God Bless his heart, has been working out at the house until the wee hours of the morning almost every night this week. Just to get us IN.

We got the green light from the health department. The building department? They'd like us to put some plywood on the outside of our master bedroom doors leading out to our deck. Because, well, it's probably not code seeing as there is no railing out there just yet. Okay, sure, Mister Building Department Guy, we can do that.

Merry Christmas, family. We're moving in. Tis' the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la!

"Dooooo!!"

2007-12-19T08:25:00.001-08:00

Guess who's Dooo? Shepherd is! That's who!

You sang, you ate chocolate pie, you blew out candles, you had a tantrum over a borrowed-for-30-second Thomas coal car, you waved good morning and blew kisses at your big brother and sister, you wanted more milk and since you so sweetly said "peeeease", I gladly gave it to you. It all happened before 7:30 a.m. this morning.

When we ask you how old you are you emphatically announce, "DOOOO!", with a big one-tooth in-the-center-from-that-nasty-Shepherd-versus-coffee-table-incident grin.

Oftentimes we talk about how difficult is is to resist the urge to chew on your face. Your cheeks to be precise. They are chubby and full and when you smile, your golden eyes stand out against them like fiery globes of sun.

Your energy exhausts me and inspires me. From the moment you wake to the moment you lay down at night you never cease moving. I love you, my sweet boy. You are either going to keep me young or make me very, very old.

We must be doing something right since I caught you, yesterday, as you were running through the house like a whirlwind, stop by your baby' brothers bouncy seat, give him two gentle, gentle pats on the head, softly lean in and say, "Hi, baby", and then go on about your way.

Happy 2nd birthday, beautiful boy.

Potentiality.

2007-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

Me: Paxton, you need to put that money in a pocket or something.

Paxton: I'm just going to leave it right here so it's not a potential problem.

Alrighty then.

Speaking of littleness

2007-12-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

I needed this today. I need to be reminded of this in a desperate way. I have been feeling quite in limbo. Moving at a snail's pace and staring at the calendar, counting the days that have passed and those that have yet to pass. Listening to the clock tick and feeling like our lives are on hold. Just a few...more....days.

This is St. Theresa's Prayer:

May there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing that you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Christ's peace be with you all, my friends, and me. May we rest contentedly in this the third week of Advent, the week of HOPE.

Littleness.

2007-12-15T16:48:00.000-08:00

We're moving. Sort of. In little. tiny. bits. at. a. time. Isn't that how you move when you have four children under six?

Anyway, I don't have much to share right now since what I really have is way too much to even know where to begin. For now, I'll leave you with this adorable conversation:

Me: Ella, honey, why do your pants keep falling down like that?

Ella: Like what?

Me: Like that (I say, pointing to the pants she's stepping on.)

Ella: Well...Mom, they're just not the size of me.

Um....yikes.

2007-12-11T08:49:00.001-08:00

This is disturbing. I noticed the date was from two years ago. I need to do some further investigation. Dang! I LOVE (d) Starbucks!

Nice endings.

2007-12-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

Today's schedule:

9:00am Mass for the HDO; The Feast of the Immaculate Conception.

10:15am Elizabeth Prayer Group meeting until 12:30pm

12:30pm Go home, change the baby's diaper and head out again.

1:00pm Meet Steve for a quick bite after he had dropped off Child #1, #2, and #3 with their grandparents and had been to the appliance store to pick up our fridge, freezer, two washing machines, two driers, two pedestals and attempted to pick up a trash compacter.

1:20pm Head to Home Depot for three hours to pick out 3 pedestal sinks, 3 vanities, 5 toilets, 5 toilet seats, 1 framed mirror, 11 flush mounts, 1 fixture, 1 bar and 1 kitchen and 1 wash sink, two shower rods and a ceiling medallion in a pear tree. Just seeing if you were still reading.

4:00ish leave Home Depot with the van, a borrowed truck and trailer full of aforementioned stuff, and go pick up children 1-3. #4 and I are a packaged deal these days.

5:15 Arrive home with children #2 and #4 (Daddy took #1 and #3 out to the house to drop off all the goods in the garage since installation will begin in less than a week.) Throw together dinner while nursing (yes, that's right) #4 and giving #2 a bath.

6:00pm-8:20pm Eat dinner, light a candle, read another story from our Advent book, play a game, put clothing away, clean house, get kids' jammies, brush teeth, give kisses, say prayers, tuck kids into bed.

8:20-8:50pm Open a bottle of wine, pour one glass for me and one glass for Steve. Sit and have adult conversation with big words and everything. For one half hour.

8:50-11:00pm Feed the baby one last time and put him down, say goodbye to Steve, drive up to the chapel to sit for two hours. In silence. Prayerful silence. In front of the Blessed Sacrement. For the local Prayer Vigil for Life.

11:00 Come home and give Steve a kiss after I pass the baton so that he can go sit in the chapel until 1:00am. He's the night owl of the two of us, God bless him.

All in all, if you ask me, we have our priorities straight today. Not all the time. Not every day. But this day? We started it right and we ended it right.

1)Prayer

2)Person

3)Partner

4)Parent

5)Provider

And it feels good.

Update: The Carrier.

2007-12-04T15:41:00.001-08:00

I might have to eat my words. It might actually be me.

Dang.

We'll see when I get tested in another week or so.

Happy 4th Birthday, Boo-boo.

2007-12-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

Ella,

It's been 4 years since the day of your birth. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I am amazed that time has flown by as it has. I am amazed at the young lady you have become. I am amazed that you tolerate your brothers, despite the fact that their vocabularies are not as vast, their interest in ponies and babies and princesses is minimal, and their love and fascination with hair product pales in comparison to yours.

You say things like, "my salvation..", "actually, Mom...", "I love you more than 1000 baby birds.", and "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen."

You love dolphins and you wish you were a mermaid. You asked me the other day if, when you die, you can go to Heaven to be with Jesus and then he would make you into a mermaid. No kidding. You would be a mermaid and he would be a King. King Triton, that is.

You love preschool and wish so desperately that you could just hurry up and be in third grade already. You know all your letters, their sounds, numbers up to 30, colors like "violet" and "magenta", latin prayers and how to play a wicked game of Uno.

You couldn't wait to turn four years old so that you could finally chew gum. For your big party on Saturday, your Uncle Kellen bought you an entire bag full of the stuff. Thanks, Uncle Kellen. Over the last three days, we've only stopped chewing gum to sleep.

I love you, my beautiful girl. I love your dark chocolate eyes, your dimple on your right cheek, and your spirit. I love your energetic and precocious manner. I love the way you elicit conversation with complete strangers (with me close by, of course) and the way you let everyone know, stranger or no, right off the bat, that "we live in a rental".

I love you, Ella. Happy Birthday to you.

The Carrier.

2007-12-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

I have lots to blog about. There will be more to come. Rest assured.

Excitement for today? Waking up, knowing that I have strep throat. Again. The second time in two months. It's Steve's fault.

The walk-in clinic physician has a theory. Someone in my immediate family is A Carrier. Since you cannot contract it (or it's highly unlikely) if you are two years of age or younger, that rules out an entire 1/3rd of my family. That leaves Ella, Paxton, and Steve.

Stay tuned to find out more about The Carrier.

Don't walk. Run.

2007-11-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

Buy this book. You will not be sorry. Not one bit. It will change the way you celebrate holidays, feast days, and holy days. Out with secularism and commercialism, in with tradition, beauty, reverence, and family.

In with family.

God bless you all as we embark on this beautiful season of Advent. May God be with me as I resist with ALL MY STRENGH putting up the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. And to keep it up until the Feast of the Epiphany. Hence....the "Twelve Days of Christmas".

A Thanksgiving Prayer.

2007-11-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

This is what my mom will be reading to us before our Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving to you all and my love to you and yours. God Bless you.

O God, when I have food,

help me to remember the hungry;

When I have work,

help me to remember the jobless;

When I have a home,

help me to remember the homeless,

When I am without pain,

help me to remember those who suffer,

And remembering,

help me to destroy my complacency;

bestir my compassion,

and be concerned enough to help;

By word and deed,

those who cry out for what we take for granted.

Amen.

Samuel F. Pugh

Creative play. Daddy style.

2007-11-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

Ella: Dad? Dad? Dad? What can we do?

Dad: Ella, go downstairs with Paxton and play "Ship".

Ella: Okay!

seconds later.....

Ella: Dad, Paxton just said that I couldn't be the commander.

Dad: Okay, well... then... you be the one with scurvy.

Creativity. Daddy style.

She ran down and they played. She never bothered to ask what "scurvy" was.

et tu?

2007-11-16T18:58:00.001-08:00

How can it be...

2007-11-15T14:05:00.001-08:00

...that you are already old enough for one of these?

Substantive blogging.

2007-11-14T11:43:00.001-08:00

I don't feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain. Aren't I supposed to be writing about all things relevant? Important? Life changing? Well, if I am, I am failing. Since having had my fourth child and being all-consumed with all the change going on in our lives right now, I am failing.

Or, am I thriving?

I feel neglectful, as though things are only being done halfway. That just isn't the case though. When I step back and look at my life I can see all that Steve and I are accomplishing. In leaps and bounds. I suppose it's the being "in it" that takes away from one's ability to "see it".

I am proud of all that we have done and continue to do. Car battery dead at 4:45 am when you're supposed to be on your way to the airport to catch a 5:50 flight? And there's no one around? No problem. Call a cab, pack up the two kids and get your hinies to the airport without whining, and deal with it when you get back. Six doors for the new house fall off a forklift and have to be re-ordered, thereby setting your completion date back another few days? No problem. Too cold to pour asphalt, necessitating that you wait until spring to really have a driveway of any kind? Just go with it. Brother fighting depression and he lives two hours away and you can't get your hands on him to hug him? In Fr. Corapi's words, "Don't worry. Pray". Baby's schedule completely screwed up because of time changes and traveling? Let it go. He's four months old and if you have to hold him all day long. So be it. He'll only be a baby once. Enjoy the sweet smell of the nape of his neck. All day long.

We're okay. We're blessed. I read the gospel to the kids this morning and was, again, reminded to be grateful. Shut up. Stop whining. Just say "thank you". Jesus heals ten lepers and only one remembers to come back and say "thank you". Am I like that one, or am I too often more like the other nine who go on about their way, never stopping, never going back to say, "Lord, I love you. Thank you. Thank you for this life. These children. This husband. Thank you." ?

The substance of my blog post today is just to say "thanks". And, sometimes that good enough.

Fascinating logic.

2007-11-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

Overheard while the kids were playing a game..

Paxton: Okay, Ella, I think I won.

Ella: But, I think I should get one more point.

Paxton: Why?!

Ella: Because I didn't cheat.

Off again!

2007-11-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

The auction went well. I am so glad it's over.

In honor of my decision to take November off I thought it would be a good idea for us to travel. To Milwaukee. Tomorrow.

Actually, our flight leaves bright and early in the morning but we are leaving for the hotel by the airport tonight. My cousin, who teaches at Marquette University along with his fiance', is getting married on Saturday. Yay! We're getting out of town! For a wedding no less! Miss Ella and Mr. Roan will be accompanying us while Paxton and Shepherd hold down the fort with Grandma and Grandpa. Having a child in school full time has changed our spontaneity a bit. ;)

I will post about the auction and our trip after we get back. Oh! And, the house? Yeah....it's almost DONE.

Cliffhanger.....

Pete and Repeat.

2007-10-31T21:17:00.001-07:00

Same duck costume. Five years and four children later. It's a beautiful thing.

A few reasons to smile today.

2007-10-31T21:03:00.000-07:00

Auction update.

2007-10-30T21:18:00.001-07:00

We are ahead of schedule! Yes! That's right, AHEAD. The auction has been my focus since about noon yesterday and will be until about noon on Saturday.

Now I think I'll switch gears for 36 hours or so and focus on my children's Halloween and then All Saints Day. Mass will be in the school gym for that HDO. I hope the parishoners won't be too distracted by all the twinkle lights, black gossamer, sand, bridges, boardwalks, and silhouettes and class projects all over.

I am practicing not falling apart. One. day. at. a. time.

Thanks and no thanks.

2007-10-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

First, thank you so much for your prayers. I have felt them. I seem to be having an easier time remembering that the sun will come out tomorrow than I did a few days ago. It's a funny thing that my dad always said while I was growing up, but the phrase usually brings me some peace. I wasn't feeling it on my own though. So, thanks. Good friends can do good things for us.

My brother seems to be walling up a bit. I expected it but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I hate that I can't fix this situation for him. He is heartbroken, feeling guilty and devastated. The woman he hit is still in ICU with many injuries. She is recovering but her life will never be the same. I hate that my law abiding, incredibly studious, perfectionistic and goal oriented 21 year old brother is going to have to live with that. I hate that for him. I know that God will use it but I wish I could help in some way. He fell asleep. It was an accident. That doesn't take any of the pain away though.

I had my Elizabeth group meeting this Saturday morning and I felt myself walling up. I hate being the one that is always crying about this or that, that is falling apart. I refused to give into it and I guess I didn't do such a good job of hiding it. I felt alone and very sad. I felt like I, being one of only two extroverts in a room full of 7 introverts, was required to "do the work" and I just didn't want to this time. I just didn't. I wanted to be able to be a disastrous puddle on the floor and let others support me. But, I didn't trust that they would and so I withheld. I know that so many people rely on me to be positive, speak with energy and enthusiasm, and to lead. I couldn't do that but also couldn't verbalize why. My withholding only ended up hurting more. I had a headache. I came home and quickly realized that I cannot do this alone.

It isn't just my brother's situation that is weighing so heavily on me. My stepfather, whom I have grown to love and respect so much, and who is the oldest of seven children, is dealing with the pain and fear of his wife's disease, the pain of the loss of his father, a pretty serious injury he just sustained while hunting, and now received news that his mother has skin cancer. My mother, whom I keep growing only closer and closer to since my tumultuous childhood and teenage years, has a disease that progresses despite the fact that I am not ready for it. My brother, whom I love and care deeply for, accidentally injured a woman so badly that she will never be the same. She may not walk well for months or even years. My husband, who I love so much, works day and night trying to juggle being a software engineer, a general contractor, a father, a private IT business owner, and the husband of a wife who seems to be falling apart a bit, trying to do too much and be too much for everyone else.

The school auction, which I am co-chairing this year, is on Saturday. I will be up at the school every night, from 5-9pm. I have roped my 18 year old brother and the next door neighbor girl into helping our family out. A tank full of gas is usually all it takes to get my little brother over here. The neighbor girl is going to require some cold hard cash I think. But, I am enlisting help so that I don't get more overwhelmed than I already am. So that I can spend some time building sandcastles, bundling grasses, hanging gossamer, setting tables, and painting adirondack chairs while not having to worry that the kids aren't able to have fun. Babysitters are always super fun! Steve can even come and hang out with me! They'll be working date nights!

This year, after building a house, moving into and out of a T...I...N...Y rental, having a baby, organizing a slideshow for a banquet dinner, co-chairing the auction, putting the class project and quilt together, oh.. and trying to raise four kids and be a full time wife and mother, I am ready for a break. I have been telling everyone that I am taking November off. No commitments. Seriously. I mean it. Even though the calendar for November is already full, I am not commiting to anything. Those are all other people's commitments. You know, the five other people that I live with. Because me? I'm not commiting. No thanks. Not this month.

I have to stop and take a breather. Before even lactating starts to feel like too much work.

Prayer request.

2007-10-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

I know you haven't heard from me in a good while. I am so sorry for that. Suffice it to say, A LOT has been happening. About which I will fill you in later.

For now, could you please pray? Please pray for my brother, who was in a serious head-on collision yesterday after we had all left from a family funeral. He is fine. But for the Grace of God, he is fine. Devastated, terrified and fine. The couple he hit is not fine. He fell asleep at the wheel and veered into the oncoming lane, hitting another car's passenger side. The woman occupying the seat in in critical condition. Her name is Chris. Please add Chris, her husband Allen and my brother, Garrett, to your prayers. Please.

God hears us. The more of us there are the easier it is to hear.

Thank you, my beautiful prayer warriors.

Banquet success.

2007-10-19T12:28:00.001-07:00

What a wonderful evening and what a wonderful treat to be able to meet and listen to this, rather young (25) man from College Station, Texas, speak about LIFE. It was an honor and even more wonderful to know that I had already met him when I went to College Station, a little over two years ago, at St. Thomas Aquinas, as we gathered and celebrated my cousin's baby's baptism. (Neither he nor I had any memory of our meeting. I even met his wife and their "Irish Twins". She is a Regnum Christi leader along with my aunt there.)

Sometimes it's a small, small world. I had been wanting to make another visit down because it was just so wonderful, but now I think I'd like to go again because I have another friend who feels as convicted about saving mothers and babies as I do. I am pretty sure that we made enough last night to obtain and operate that ultrasound we've been desperately wanting. Heartbeat International claims that 75-80% of women who have an ultrasound in the first trimester end up choosing life. I like those odds.

A couple quotes from the slideshow Steve and I put together. I even snuck in a G. K. Chesterton quote!

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

-Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor.

"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it."

-G.K. Chesterton

Efficiency.

2007-10-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

That is me, Ella, Paxton and baby Roan going to the dentist this morning. We all had staggered appointments. The kids had one room and each helped take x-rays of the other with Miss Carrie (the best pediatric (and adult) dentist in the ENTIRE WORLD.) The kids laughed, colored, x-rayed, polished, rinsed and sang songs from "The Little Mermaid".

Next door, I lay there with baby Roan propped on my lap as I had my own exam and cleaning. He sang his own song, smiled, cooed and laughed through his mommy whining about flossing. I really despise flossing. Really. Natural childbirth? endurable. Flossing? Not so much.

It was a great morning and we were back in time for Paxton and Ella to go out to lunch with Daddy because they were just. that. good.

I have a school board meeting (and CCD for Paxton) tonight, Crossroads Fund Raising Banquet tomorrow night, (Steve and I are putting the slide show together. With what time? I'm not sure.) and the school auction preparations are well under way. November 3rd? Yeah...it's a long way off, right? No stress. No stress at all. Hey, at least this year I was smart enough to CO-chair it. I feel a November/December hiatus in my future.

Blessedly busy and blessedly EFFICIENT.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the great kids you did. I am so grateful. What child starts to cry when you have to leave the dentist? Thank you, Lord, for Miss Carrie.

Best contraction ever.

2007-10-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

Ella has come up with the best contraction ever. It goes something like this:

Mommy: Ella, you're so tired. You need to go take a rest.

Ella: Why?!

Mommy: Ella, you are exhausted! You didn't sleep well and you're having a hard time making good choices and behaving.

Ella: No I amn't!

Is it poetic...

2007-10-12T13:07:00.001-07:00

that the first room to be completed (with drywall) was the nursery?

or...

that the song that came on first this morning when I put iTunes on "shuffle" was "I'll be Home for Christmas"?

or...

that when the NFP trainer will be here in less than an hour ALL of my children will be sound asleep?

or...

that the five-panel door style that I was afraid to tell Steve that I liked the most is actually the CHEAPEST one?

or.... that my sweet baby, you know, that now 12 week old? He hasn't rolled over once since he did it for Grandma that one night. Almost as if he's saying, "Mom, don't worry, I won't grow up on your watch."

Now that's poetic.

How can you tell when you are DESPERATELY in need of groceries??

2007-10-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

Your husband sees you exhausted, preparing to be gone again tonight to take a child to CCD and says, " Honey, I'll make dinner." You think to yourself that this sounds so nice.

You all end up eating mashed potatoes and turkey bacon. Because really? That's all he could have cooked anyway.

The grocery store and I MUST see each other tomorrow.

While we were gone....

2007-10-07T08:13:00.001-07:00

...my sweet 11 week old baby rolled over. At Grandma's house. WITHOUT me around! Bittersweet. Oh, so bittersweet.

Steve and I have been trying to go on "dates" on Saturday nights for a couple hours. We always take Roan, of course, since he's rather attached at times. Quite literally.

We had been invited to an auction. It would last about five hours. I had been pumping a little extra milk and had about 14 ounces. I, of course, have no idea how much Roan eats in the evenings but know that he turns into little "cluster feeder" at the end of the evening, eating almost every hour--from about 6-10pm then promptly falls fast asleep until at least 7 the next morning.

I left all that milk with Grandma, gave her the general outline of his schedule and left my happy, social baby to play with his Grandma for 5 hours. In the back of the van, Steve had packed my "Pump in Style"/two cups and hoses attached to a massive suction structure, thereby making me feel much like a dairy cow. I joke, but that little baby has been such a gift from God. We are going on almost four years and going strong! It took us going through two cheap pumps to finally get a clue that we needed to just spend the money and buy something of quality that would really last.

I digress.

We left. We had a great time. We got back to Grandma's at almost 10:30. Roan was asleep and almost ALL that milk was gone. I had NO idea he ate that much in the evenings! He was sleeping so contently and Grandma really seemed to enjoy her time with just him. Usually, if she watches them she has the older three and Roan goes with Mom.

As we were walking in the door to pick him up:

Grandma: He was great.

Us: Oh, good. He's sweet isn't he?

Grandma: Yeah, we even got to see him roll over.

Us: WHAT?!

Grandma: Yeah, I didn't know if that was something he had done already but he was playing on the floor and just rolled over.

Me: That's why I felt so good about not having my kids in daycare! So I wouldn't miss those things!

We laugh together.

I am so glad that if Roan was going to roll over on someone else's watch that it was Grandma's watch. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

I just have to remember that when I think he might be close to crawling I need to stay home.

For good.

He finally said it!!

2007-10-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

"Mama". My son finally called me "mama". I pulled up, and he said, " Hi Mama!"

Now he's been calling me Mom. I guess formality is no longer necessary around here.

A fix you want, a fix you'll get.

2007-10-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

Here it is. Proof that our lives are changing faster than the speed of sound.

How do you know your children attend a Christ centered school?

2007-10-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Your child comes home with a guardian angel pinned on the shoulder of their uniform shirt. And that prayer to their Guardian Angel that you pray with them before they leave for school in the morning? They say that at school too. Because it's the Feast of Guardian Angels today, that's why.

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to who God's love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light, to guard, to rule, to guide. Amen.

And Thursday? For the feast of St. Francis of Assisi? The priest will have a "blessing of the animals"--all the students' pets from home. ( All of us parents will be taking care of the transport to and fro, of course). Is that awesome, or what? Seriously.

You're not even going to believe what they have planned for All Saints Day!

Clarification.

2007-10-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Steve was the only one out at the house last night until 2am. He brought the kids home and met me here at 7ish. They went to bed. I went to bed. Steve went back to work.

What? Did you think for a second that we were Crazy? Our kids are in bed by 7:30. The end.

How is it possible?

2007-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

My husband the most amazing "geek" I have ever known. A handsome, charming, funny, articulate, emotionally available, incredibly handy, left-brained geek.

While I was gone all day Steve installed the central vac, the coax, speaker wire, and fiber throughout the entire house yesterday and last night, with four kids running around no less. He got home at 2 am. I didn't even hear him come in.

Thank you, love. You continue to amaze me. I am so sorry that we seem to be two ships passing in the night right now. Saturday nights are officially "date nights". Even if we just sip camomile tea on the front porch for two hours while a babysitter plays with the kids in the house. We're making each other a priority.

We are making the possible a reality. The end.

Good Foundations.

2007-09-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

Many of you know that I am actually in two different scripture study women's groups. One I started in my own town that we are calling an Elizabeth Group, and a less formal one in a neighboring town. I am sure, not long from now, I will have to limit myself to only attending the one here, in my own town. But, I have grown so close to all of the women, sharing very intimate prayer requests and details about my life that I can't imagine severing that close connection. My current life is proof that all those prayerful friends are powerful. So, I'll keep up with the two different bible studies/Catholic life book clubs two Saturday mornings a month for now. We'll just revisit that one later. For now, I need the time for just me, to improve Nicole.

It was my job to pick the next book for one of the groups and bulk order it. Ten books arrived yesterday. Ten amazing books that are going to knock all of our socks off. Michaelann Martin's Women of Grace. It's a bible study for married women. In the preface she speaks of many stay- at-home moms becoming isolated and lonely.

Michaelann writes, "They fall prey to watching daytime television as their only source of education and affirmation. Games shows tend to trivialize life, soap operas fill us with romantic notions that breed dissatisfactions with our so called "hum-drum" lives, and talk shows give a false sense of success when we view ourselves in light of all the train wrecks in others' lives. All of them give a disproportionate view of life, without even coming close to addressing the real reason that we are all here in the first place: to know, love, and serve God in this life in order to be with Him in the next."

We turned off cable in our house almost three years ago. We still have a television to watch movies, but no direct t.v. It has benefited the kids, I believe, but mostly it has benefited me. I am the one who got addicted to watching others lives instead of living my own. In Psychology classes they'll refer to what Michaelann is talking about as using "downward counterfactuals." That means looking at others' train wrecks and believing that you're "doing pretty well". "See? I could be that lady!"

That doesn't help anyone. Ever. We never grow when we always compare ourselves to what or who is "worse". We are supposed to be looking up, looking at what's better, emulating those whom we see as doing better--having true happiness. "I may be a drunk, but at least I'm not on the streets." "I may babysit my kids with the t.v. all day, but at least I'm not swearing at them." " I may scream at my kids all the time but at least I don't beat them." " I may never exercise, but at least I don't smoke." Okay, you're getting the point.

So, back to this book...It's going to be phenomenal. Mrs. Martin recommends reading Galatians 5:22-25 and Catechism, no. 1832, before beginning. After reading them, now I am so anxious to get started!

In other news, my beautiful husband has been out of town for four days now. Four LONG days. It doesn't just feel like it should be Saturday already, it feels like it should be NOVEMBER already. I miss him SO much. The early mornings and evenings are the hardest times for me. For obvious reasons. I am used to operating solo all day but having nobody around in the evenings makes the sprint at the end of the marathon particularly grueling. Come home soon, Love. We all miss Daddy. Just two more days to go.

On second thought....

2007-09-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have the time. The time to reflect, write, breathe. The time to give back.

Our lives have been busy. Like all of you, our lives are busy. I don't mean to use that as an excuse, rather I mean to use it as a way to apologize. I feel like I need to apologize for neglecting friends, family, and God. Most importantly, God. I began a Novena 27 days ago--of which I only actually completed about 22 days. Now, I should be on the the "thank you" part of the Novena. I am just so tired at the end of the evening and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

Imagine if God used that excuse. "Nicole, I'm really sorry. I'm just tired. I've been so busy doing other things and helping other people that I just don't have time for you."

Lord, I am sorry. Help me to figure out the best way to do this. Holly Pierlot speaks in her book, A Mother's Rule of Life, about the 5 P's. The 5 P's are; 1) Prayer, 2) Person, 3) Partner, 4) Parent, and 5) Provider. Your life should be prioritized in that way. Mine looks a bit more like this; 1) Provider, 2) Parent, 3) Partner, 4) Prayer, and finally 5)Person.

So, looks like God and myself? We're last. I need help with that. Things are beginning to normalize a bit now that Paxton has started a REGULAR school schedule, all day every day. For the last two weeks it has only been three days a week-with Ella's preschool on alternating days. I didn't know whether we were coming or going. We also started keeping the neighbor boy at our house after school since his parents both work in a neighboring town and don't get home until 4:30ish. We wanted the boy to begin at St. Rose so badly that I offered to pick him up after school to make it easier for them to bite the bullet and send him. He is a beautiful boy and his heart is so big. It wasn't a difficult offer to make. But, it is one more person to be responsible for in this Very. Tiny. Rental.

I am co-chairing the annual school auction this year, set for Nov. 3rd. Steve and I are going to create a slide show for the pro-life resource center's annual fundraiser on Oct. 18th. I commited to make the Kindergarten class project for the auction--which will be a quilt with each child's footprint on it, amongst many other "beachy" items in a sandbox. Have I ever quilted in my life? Uh, no. Here's to the local quilt shop and I developing a VERY good friendship.

When Paxton was an infant I remember being impatient. I wanted him to sit up, then walk, then talk, then run. I couldn't wait for the next phase of his development. I was just so excited to see him grow. Now, I find myself in the quiet of the evening looking at my sweet baby Roan and wishing I could just push the "pause" button. I just want time to stop for one moment. I love his sweetness, his smell, the way he cuddles under my chin. I love the way he needs me in his own unique way and I feel sad that I didn't just stop and enjoy it with all my children. I wish I could rewind and do it all over with each of them. Roan is already almost 3 months old. I cannot believe how quickly life is passing. While I am so busy, doing this and that, going from here to there, life is quickly passing. I don't want to miss my children being young. That is why I stay at home with them. That is why. And, yet, I am still missing it.

I have a gross inability to say "no". People know that about me. I know that about myself. And, short of becoming a recluse and cutting off all contact with people, I don't know how to balance yet. I am learning, I think. Maybe not.

Pride is such a character defect. I don't like to admit that I might not be able to do something, to accomplish something. I don't like to say, "Sure, I'd love the help" when inside, I really would love the help. I have spoken with friends before about motivation and drive being instilled in me at a very early age. Both of my parents had a good work ethic instilled in them and neither of them are very tolerant of themselves if they are feeling or acting "lazy". A good friend of mine said that the word "lazy" just wreaks of judgement. It does. It really does. "Unmotivated" sounds much better. But, no matter what I call it, it's the same to me. For me, the thought of someone thinking I am lazy makes me cringe. I hate it. And, why? It's sloth. It's gluttonous. It's greed. It's ....ridiculous. If I take a day to play at the park with my kids or take the phone off the hook, I highly doubt anyone is going to be confronting me about my lack of motivation. I do it to myself.

For some, I am sure it's a challenge to keep themselves active and motivated. And that's okay. That's their challenge. That's not mine. My challenge? To stop constantly judging myself against others. To stop obsessing about what I am or am not doing, where I am or am not going, what I will or will not commit to. My judgement of others is really my judgement of myself and my fear of self worthlessness. My fear that someone might deem me relatively insignificant. Not a contributing member of society. How horrible to admit.

Isn't the very thing that God asks of us contrary to that? Doesn't He ask us to be humble, to go unnoticed and unappreciated, to not seek fame or notoriety? Doesn't He ask us to serve without reward, to give without fail, to sacrifice without acknowledgment? Not to pout? Not to whine? To stop complaining?

I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about worrying that people might see me as lazy. I have been complaining about missing babies growth. I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about being blessed.

My babies are healthy and growing. What a blessing. My life is busy and filled with friends and family with whom I can laugh and serve. What a blessing. I am a mother and a wife, who is needed every second of the day. What a blessing. I have the ability to say "yes". What a blessing. I have SO many wonderful things in my life I am forced to worry about "prioritizing". What a blessing.

What was I complaining about again?

Oh! Another tidbit because that's all I have time for.

2007-09-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

The iPhone? Yeah, it totally rocks.

Ditto.

2007-09-21T08:53:00.001-07:00

I was going to try to carve out some time today to explain what's been going on in our lives and just how busy we have become over the last two weeks. Then....I read Celeste's blog entry. I don't really think I even need to write anything more.

Thanks, Celeste. ;)

Introducing..... Jethro.

2007-09-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

Shepherd was a total champ. Our day went something like this: Drug Shepherd up with a prescribed dose of tylenol with codeine. Drive to chiropractor to get Mommy back to her full head turn capacity so she can resume doing "the sprinkler" while dancing at all those parties she doesn't go to, while Uncle Kellen plays with drunk Shepherd and lovingly holds bobble head baby Roan. Load babies back up and head to Dentist. Dentist (aka VERY good friend Dr. T, or Miss Carrie) tickles baby Shepherd while Uncle Kellen holds him and Mommy and Baby Roan step outside the room to hit the x-ray button each time Dr. T yells "Take it!" Dr. T. looks at pics while we visit and concludes that, yes, indeed that tooth will turn black. It will NOT fall out on its own however. We would just have to watch for infection. We decide together that for all parties involved it would be easier to just let go. We said goodbye and mourned the premature loss of the baby tooth. Uncle Kellen exited to the lobby with a very sleepy bobble headed baby Roan and Mommy climbed up in the chair, held drunken Shepherds arms against her, and helped Dr. T distract him with a hot pink plastic fish. The fish was funny. Really funny. Funny enough that he looked up and underneath him came The Pliers.

It took all of about 1.6 seconds for her to pull the tooth. He cried, I guazed, all was well. For lunch he ate two biscuits and promptly slept for almost three hours. He is back to his feisty, hilarious, loud self. Bruiser is still Bruiser. He's just going to be a toothless Jethro sort of Bruiser for the next four to five. Hey....maybe we should look into gold. I'd hate to see him get mugged for his tooth though.

I will blog more later. It's been too long and our lives have been busier than I care to continue

Proof that it's a good idea to make sure you are friends with at least one dentist.

2007-09-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Shepherd ran toward me. He tripped over the carpet. He fell onto the coffee table. His tooth broke his fall. No, no it's not chipped, cracked, or broken. It's just resting comfortably from whence it came. Back up inside his gum. The plans I had for Monday? Yeah, nevermind. We'll be sitting comfortably in Dr. T's chair--likely having that tooth pulled out.

And to think I was nervous about Paxton loosing his first tooth sometime this year because he's a Kindergartner now. I should have guessed Bruiser would be first.

And you shouldn't worry. Shepherd only cried for a minute, took a couple big swigs of water and then commenced enjoying his quesadilla.

Pain tolerance? High. Risk awareness? Low.

Appropriate programming for toddlers.

2007-09-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

Last night Steve kept Ella with him while he was doing some work for a client at their office (He has his own business on the side and does some consulting). Ella entertained herself in various ways, one of which was watching television. TLC to be exact.

This was a conversation Steve and I had last night:

Me: So, Ella did alright keeping herself occupied?

Steve: Yeah, she did. Oh, and in case she she tells you that she has a friend on her shoulder tomorrow, you should know that she was watching a show about conjoined twins.

Bona fide Catholic.

2007-09-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

On this day, Mary's birthday, it seems a good day to be baptised too.

2007-09-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

What a glorious day, a shared baptism and God's love all around. My Godson and my own son are united in a beautiful way; one born on the feast of St. Benedict, the other, named Isaiah Benedict.

Is it okay to cry now?

2007-09-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

Paxton and Ella's first day of school was today.

My big, five year old kindergardener let go of my hand and reached out for his new teacher's. He was timid, nervous and uncertain. His sister, on the other hand, my little three year old preschooler, let go of my hand and RAN for her teacher's. We all (Steve, myself, Paxton, Shepherd and Roan) walked Ella into her classroom to show her her desk, and familiarize her with the room. I began with, "Okay, now, Ella, let's find your name and put your things.." when she interrupted me. "Okay, bye!!!", she cheerfully exclaimed.

We left Ella's room and made our way down to Paxton's classroom. He held tightly to my hand as Steve, the babies and I walked him down the hall. I glanced back over my shoulder to see Ella already completely comfortable and playing happily with the other children.

Paxton kept his head down and his posture suggested a little fear. His teacher (who is a good friend and in one of my prayer groups) came right over and welcomed him. She even suggested a 'photo op', which delighted my heart. I wanted to cry right then, as I lifted the camera to take a picture of my son at his first big boy desk with his new teacher.

Roan was in the bjorn, Shepherd was in Steve's arms. It felt like the end of an era. We were about to say goodbye and go home with only two children--leaving two others behind.

This is our first day.

By the way, you can see Roan's godmother (my good friend who just had her baby last Monday that I blogged about) in one of these shots. She's the other mom, with the newborn baby (my new GODSON!) in the Bjorn. That's her son, walking right behind Paxton for HIS first day of Kindergarden. Her other son was happily playing right alongside Ella for HIS first day of three year old Preschool. :)

Absolutes.

2007-09-01T19:17:00.001-07:00

Me: Okay, kids, it's time to go.

...after we are in the van headed home...

Me: That was fun.

Ella: Did I leave with a good attitude, Mom? ( I have told the kids that if they leave with a good attitude and don't pout or whine, we can always come back--to wherever it might be)

Me: Yep, you sure did!

Ella: Then.....can I absolutely come back?

Me: Absolutely.

I could get used to this.

2007-08-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll admit it. I now LIKE posting photos. It was a big step for me. But, dang it, it's just such an easy way for me to chronicle the changes in our lives. And, it's fun too! I am now over the fear of exploiting my children. They're cute.

We decided to make a family trip out to the house again tonight to see some of the changes. Steve, working out there all day from his camper, gets to see the change as it happens so, to him, it seems much less dramatic I am sure. To me? Whoa. I swear something major changes every day.

I really try not to get attached to "things" and I am trying to keep myself in check about whether my excitement is about the building process (which I love), the designing process (which I love), the decorating process (which I love), finally having the ability to host many, many people for holiday dinners and Sunday afternoon brunches (which I WOULD love) or whether it's about the house. I don't want it to be about the house. I want my excitement to remain being about creating something wonderful and beautiful and exciting for my family....and one day? For someone else's family. So I will keep sharing the process with you all. I will just share it because it's....well, it's cool. Really cool. And really fun.

The end.

Adorable Adoration?

2007-08-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

This adorable photo, rather, will be the one used as the background for the invitation. Forgive me. I'm a liar. Apparently, our director wanted a cute shot of Roan that made him look....um....alive.

Sleeping Handsome.

2007-08-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

This photo of Roan might be used for the background on the invitations for our Crossroads fundraiser dinner coming up. What do you think?

Explanation Necessary.

2007-08-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

I don't have a whole lot of time or energy this evening but I feel as though I just threw pictures at you without saying a word. "There!" was what was likely conveyed, right?

Not my intent. I promise. It has been such a strange and hectic past week and weekend. My mom was in the hospital with a very dangerous blood infection (she is doing SO much better now), I came down with strep throat on Thursday afternoon and finally started some antibiotics ( Thank God for those!) on Saturday and am now feeling like a rock star! Well...probably better than a rock star and a whole lot less hung-over.

The pictures were just some random photos that I have taken over the last few weeks. If it seems like there are a lot of boys in this family, well, yes, there are. And if it seems like all Roan does is sleep, well, yes, that's true too. But if it seems like that house is HUGE, well, no, not exactly. Yes, it is a good size (4300 sq ft.) but it is awfully deceiving with the two side garages. Yes, both sides are garages; one has only one door and will be more of a "shop" for Steve and the other will have two doors and will be where we park our cars. Okay, I just felt like I needed to clarify so that we didn't seem so ostentatious. I have felt so darn defensive and secretive about it. I hate that. I am going to stop that now. Right now. Really. I am. Here I go.

A very good friend of mine had her sweet baby boy today. Steve and I will be his Godparents and these good friends will be Roan's. We are having a joint baptism and have just been waiting for this little boy to finally make his debut! We are so glad he's here; Isaiah Bendedict. Just beautiful. This is a friend who, like me, and Jill , and Celeste, now has three boys and one girl. I had no idea having so many boys would make me so happy. Okay, I guess I don't really have SO many. I suppose I could have four. Or five. Or nine. I should just stop talking now.

Anyway, this good friend of mine who had this baby today? Yeah, I watched her three kids, her two boys and one girl, and my three boys and one girl. You did that math right? It was a fun, busy day with much organized chaos. I have not been this tired since I gave birth six weeks ago. I can't think of any way I would have rather spent my day though. When their dad called, we were at the park. The screams that came out of these beautiful children reacting to the news that their newest sibling had entered the world were tear jerking. And that? That was priceless.

Family happenings.

2007-08-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, that I might have one hundredth the grace...

2007-08-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

...of this beautiful woman. This article is long and well worth the read. Willing to endure the darkness and, in the end, being able to see His Light.

Needs vs. Wants

2007-08-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed a full day of Mommy/Roan time yesterday. Grandma took the three oldest for a play day and I headed off to another town an hour away to get all those pre-school clothing supplies i.e. more uniform polos an khakis, socks for each child, new shoes and new underwear for each child. Fun times. Actually, I really enjoy those things; taking pride in the desire I have to take care of my children's needs, even those that are completely mundane in every way, just as much as Danielle.

While Roan and I were happily strolling in Target yesterday, beginning to miss the other three people who usually accompany us, I overheard this conversation in the toy section.

Nameless mommy: Rachel, Mommy said no. I am not going to buy that.

Rachel: But....I just want to have it!

Nameless mommy: Rachel? Rachel, remember what we talked about last night? About needs vs. wants and about money? Remember? Now, Rachel, what sorts of things do we need?

Rachel: Um.....money?

In Rachel's defense, I think she was a little confused. Sort of like this morning, when Paxton asked me to please read him the book about security. The really "good one". Security? We have a book about security? When did we get a book about security? Oh my gosh, if there's a book in this house that I have never seen before I darn well better find it to make sure it's okay! I was getting frustrated because I just didn't understand. After much banter, I was finally able to interpret that he was talking about our new book. You know, the one about electricity.

I didn't understand Paxton and he was being as clear as he possibly could. Children really are so simple, beautiful, innocent and inspiring aren't they? I wouldn't trade this life of piles of dirty laundry, poopy diapers and baths, skinned knees and spilled milk, and exhausted days' ends where I just fall into bed. I keep learning more and more. There is little glory involved in full-time motherhood. But a whole lot of redemption. Every day.

And I need that.

Potty Mouth.

2007-08-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

My children have it sometimes.

As we're loading Shepherd, Ella and Paxton up in the car for a day with Grandma and Grandpa:

Grandma: Okay, are we ready?

Paxton: Yeah. I have a little diarrhea. It doesn't work very well for me.

Me: Oh?

Paxton: Yeah, but that's why I turned the fan on.

Thank you, Pax. Thank you.

A few of my favorite things...

2007-08-20T07:09:00.001-07:00

The windows are open. There is a cool breeze. It's overcast and probably going to rain. The children sleep. I sip coffee and say some prayers. As soon as everyone wakes up we are going on a long walk to pick up some flowers.

Today is my big brother's birthday. He would have been 30 today. Happy Birthday, Jarrod Harrison. The kids and I will be stopping by with some flowers in a few hours.

Long walks, cool breezes, birthdays, Fall and family....these are a few of my favorite things.

The Evangelizer.

2007-08-14T21:29:00.001-07:00

That'd be my daughter.

Today I decided that it was high time for a long walk. A neighbor girl, about whom I know little more than her age and what house she lives in, was playing with Ella in our front yard. She is six years old and lives on the street behind us. She rides on her bike with her older sister and stops regularly if she sees us outside. I get the feeling that she is just craving attention and a playmate. Most of the time I'm not even sure if their mother knows where they are. Her name is Miranda.

Miranda has asked to come into our house many times but I always say, "Not until your mommy meets me". It just makes me uncomfortable to have someone else's child in my home if they don't know about it and to be quite honest, I get a little irritated as well. The poor thing just wants to play but I know that if one of my children is playing with a child I don't know, I am watching like a hawk. That makes more work for me. That makes nursing an infant and wrangling a tantruming toddler difficult and more stressful. I just don't want to do the work.

So....back to the walk. I decided that the baby was fed and changed, Shepherd was in good enough spirits and Ella and Mommy needed some girl talk. I decided we should walk. But there was this problem. Miranda was begging to go along as well instead of going home. I told her that we would walk her home and she could run into her house and ask her mom (secretly hoping her mom would peer out the window and feel comfortable to come out and meet me). She agreed and we walked to Miranda's house. She threw her bike in the front yard and ran inside. She came out within seconds. Her mom had said it was okay. Her mom was in her bedroom watching t.v. I never met her and here I was, about to take her daughter on an hour long walk. I was irritated.

We began walking and the girls were talking, rather sweetly about bikes and who runs fastest; boys or girls. They talked about preschool and kindergarden, about who can read and who can't and about princesses. My irritation began to fade and I started to enjoy this new, sweet friendship I saw forming. But something was eating at me.... what kind of family does this girl come from? Why is her mother so absent? I always see her riding her bike without shoes. I thought I should start getting nosey. I began asking Miranda questions, benign at first but getting increasingly more personal as I went on.

I learned these things: Miranda has two sisters, one 10 and the other 14. The 14 year old babysits a lot because their mom goes to work at 2 am in a town an hour away and she sleeps when she gets home. Her dad works in a town a half hour away and gets home at 2 am. If you hit someone hard enough to "make a mark" you could go to jail. She has her own room. Her big sister is mean. And the bigger sister is meaner. Sometime she get a time-out and other times she gets a spanking first and then a time-out.

As we were nearing the end of our walk, Miranda asked Ella if she liked the two girls that live next door to us, who Ella only talks to through the fence. Ella said, "Yeah!" Miranda replied, " Well, I don't. They don't like me, so I don't like them." My beautiful daughter turned and gently said, "But Jesus told us we should love everybody. That was what Jesus said." Miranda said, "Oh, I love Jesus!"

Here I was, being irritated with a six year old. A six year old who wanted to go on a walk with a family. A family that she could feel love from. People with whom she would be accepted. She could just be comfortable to be herself and relax. She could just be six.

I don't know what Miranda's home life is like but I do know this; I better start listening to Jesus. He placed His message for me right on my daughter's lips.

Sustenance.

2007-08-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

I love this recipe so much I have made it twice in two days (I made a batch for a friend who just had a baby so we didn't eat them all ourselves). Imagine, delicious AND high in fiber, low in sugar, high in moisture and low in fat. Now I will concede, usually if something is good for me I will convince myself it's delicious as well even if, according to Steve, it tastes like cardboard. I swear, though, these babies are different. They really ARE delicious. Really. Try them. Hey, the kids love them too.

I cook a lot but I don't think I have ever posted a recipe here before. I should start doing that more often. Food is just so much fun; experimenting with flavors, herbs, and spices. Wouldn't you agree?

In the first couple months after I have a baby I find myself doing a lot more baking. I don't enjoy baking nearly as much as I do cooking so I feel a bit stumped as to why I feel inclined to bake post-pardom. All I can figure is that it must be biological. Or colonial. It's much easier to feed a whole colony with baked goods than it is to feed them with a chanterelle, courgette and goat cheese sautee'.

Enjoy.

Not a pattern I'd like to maintain.

2007-08-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

I am not digging this pattern I have set up of only blogging once every 3-7 days. Not at all. I'm going to work on that. Just as soon as my life slows down.

I have been feeling like Melissa. Just so much to say.....and then where does the time go? I never seem to make it over here to say it. I guess I've just been focused on other things and trying to catch up with things that go undone in my free time. This blog is one of them.

While my mom was here after Roan was born she asked me about blogs. She asked me why people have them. She explained that, while she LOVES reading mine (right, Mom?), she just doesn't understand why people would feel the need to write about what they made for dinner, what they grew in their garden, who they went to lunch with, or why they don't like certain child-rearing philosophies. She said that she would feel a bit arrogant or boastful to assume that someone would be that interested.

Well, maybe I am. But, and I told her this too, it's a way for me to connect. A way for others, like me, or maybe not so much like me, to share in my life, my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my faith, my family, my vocation. To share. To give advice and take it. To be supportive and for me to reciprocate. For me to connect. So, when I feel "obligated" to blog, what's usually deeper is that I miss the connection. Even though it's online, it's a connection. Strange, I know, but valid nonetheless. Online friends and "in person" friends. They are friends. Put there by God so that we may grow and learn; so that we may give something of ourselves. Isn't that what friendship is?

When I read from so many others like me, doing what I'm doing, raising the kind of family I'm trying to raise, striving to have the kind of marriage I'm trying to have, to be the kind of wife and mother I am trying to be, I feel inspired. I feel encouraged. I feel motivated. I feel at ease about where I am and I feel connected.

When I write about my life here, I know that I am opening it up for others to offer me advice and support, to be supported, to find the same connection I look for, and for my family and friends to catch up on my life and get a glimpse into our everyday world. I open my life up in this way because somedays it's the only way I can.

"We need others physically, emotionally, and intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves."- C.S. Lewis

Until I can go back to "lunching" with friends once a week and having two hour long phone conversations, I'll stick to this way of obtaining connection. It's right at my fingertips. I still have prayer group meetings, dates with my husband and lunches with friends now and again. I just have a lot less of them. For now, it seems God wants me amongst diapers I can change, tears I can wipe, hands I can hold, and minds I can help mold. God wants me here, so that I can know myself. The self he wants me to be.

Happiness is....

2007-08-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

...waking up to your one month old smiling at you.

It's gonna be a good day. I promise, we'll post some pictures soon-- well, as soon as the baby starts looking a little more like a baby and a little less like a turtle.

Prayers and lunch!

2007-08-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

Women's Prayer Group is this morning. Roan and I will be heading out after I shower AND maybe even curl my hair! Then, we're off to "lunch" with a good friend! I must say, it's getting easier and easier to plan for being out and about. People really are right when they say that adding more children after your third is a "piece of cake". Relatively? It really is. God is so good to us. (Of course, it helps a teeny bit that Roan sleeps 7 hours and last night? He slept 8 hours!)

What more could a girl ask for?

A sure-fire way to get out of your own self-pity....

2007-08-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

...is to bake some delicious blueberry scones for one equally exhausted but STILL PREGNANT friend.

Poor thing.

Five Things I Love About Jesus.

2007-07-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Melissa, for the tag. This is the best Meme yet!

The five things I love about Jesus:

1) His majesty. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I never need to worry. He is bigger than all of it. Always. Forever.

2) His gentle way. We have this beautiful print in our hallway. I think it does more for me than for our children, for whom I placed it there. Every now and then it catches my eye and I always have the same thought; I am His child, too, and He loves me. I need to stop trying to be too big for my britches. He can be the Good Shepherd and I can just be the sheep.

3)His forgiveness. There have been times throughout my life that I have felt cut off from Christ's graces, from His forgiveness and aid. All from my own doing, my own retreat. He is always there, always waiting for me, always willing to forgive me.

4) His candor in the Gospel. Jesus spoke clearly. He did not try to put things "delicately" to make it easier on the palate. Some things really are black and white. There is a right and a wrong. I love Jesus for that. Like Fr. Corapi says, " If you're too open minded your brains will fall out." Jesus gave us clear instructions, Commandments, for True happiness, happiness in Him.

5) That He gave us His Mother. Hanging on the cross, just before death, He said to the disciple, whom He loved (aka US), "Behold, your mother!" and to His mother, "Behold, your son!". Thank you, Jesus. She is beautiful and has never left us when we fled to her for assistance. We do NOT "worship" Mary. We adore her. We ask for her intercession. Our Father asked us to. And we worship Him.

Now, I tag Christy. Happy contemplating!

Spoiled.

2007-07-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

Wonderful friends, indeed.

Sweet Carrie came today to bring me some much coveted nursing tops that are actually cute. Really cute. And a nursing dress that I can wear to Mass! Thank you, Carrie!

Delicious meal #9 was brought today by another prayer group mommy who is due any day now. For dinner; baby spinach, chopped celery, carrots, tomatoes, yellow pepper, cucumber and radishes, bacon bits, sunflower seeds, salsa ranch dressing and potato rolls. For dessert? Fresh blueberries for Mommy and chocolate chip cookies for Daddy and the kidlets.

Blessed indeed.

My comeback.

2007-07-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it HAS been awhile. For that, I am sorry. Truly sorry. I have had the busiest two weeks of my entire life. Whoa. Here goes....

I have learned many, many things since my family size grew, overnight, from five to six. I have learned that: big babies are better eaters, sleepers and poopers than small babies, that God does in fact know what he's doing regarding the timing of their birth.

That three adults and four children in 700 square feet can feel a teensy bit cramped.

That regardless of the time, who's throwing a tantrum, or who needs to eat dinner, when it's time to nurse the baby it's time to just sit down and take the next 20 minutes to nurse that baby.

That babies don't understand that we're "busy right now".

That it's possible to have four children crying at the same time, all for entirely different reasons. That it's possible to console each one, in the order the complaint was received of course.

That you can buy 12 different kinds of Binky's and the baby still prefers to suck on the back of the 17 month old's chubby hand.

That when you surround yourself with wonderful, faith-filled women who value family, you get about 8 HUGE meals which you can freeze and use to feed your family for WEEKS!

That most of those meals will be chicken enchilada casseroles.

That the vacuuming and the laundry and the dishes and the cooking and the baking and the sweeping and the 22 "thank you" cards and the phone call returning and the dusting and the toy cleaning up and the paper reading and email responding must all be done during that time period that people are referring to when they say, "sleep when the baby sleeps". Um, okay.

That it is totally possible to go to Walmart AND get items that you are in need of with four kids. It might not be quiet. It might not be quick. But it IS possible. And it's possible to feel a certain amount of pride when people look at you strolling along, with your 17 month old strapped in the cart, your two week old in the Bjorn on your chest and the 3 and 5 year olds with "one hand on the cart at all times". Pride in your family and pride in your children. Each one of them.

That the recounting of an entire day can be summed up in one small sentence, the very first sentence in fact, that your toddler has learned to say; "I'm sorry, Ella." And, no, he still can't say Mommy.

That even though you're back into your size 8's, they don't quite fit the same way. In fact, they're a little more snug than they were pre-pregnancy. They must have shrunk.

That hand-me-downs are beautiful gifts from GOD.

That building a new house while also welcoming a new member to your family has the potential to make a 29 year old grown man giddy like a teenager. I don't know who has been more excited, Steve or the kids.

That grandparents, like hand-me-downs, are beautiful gifts from God. Invaluable in every way. That parenting is made so much easier with their help, their supplement.

That structure and routine are not only useful, they are necessary. They make one who is sinking able to swim. They make unruly and bored children entertained and enjoyable. They make a "surviving" family able to thrive. We do not have enough of these two things right now. We are working on it. We are getting there. But we don't have enough. One more week.

That cell phones die during the most critical moments in an important conversation and 3,000 ants can somehow find and survive on a single cheerio. Even if you use ant bait. Even if you spray them. Even if you sweep 17 times a day.

That each child still needs alone time with Mom and Dad every now and then. Even if they say they don't. Even if they say that they'd rather just play with their sister or brother. That giving a child a sibling is sweeter than giving them cotton candy.

That my marriage just got stronger. My family just got bigger. My life just got busier. That although our quaint little rental just got exponentially smaller, the room in my heart just expanded. We just became richer.

So, that, my friends, is what I have been up to, what I have been learning. I thank you for your love, your generous and regular comments and prayers and your support. I thank you, sweet Grandma and Noni for your help over these last few weeks. You mean more to us than you can ever know and we can only hope to be able to fully repay you one day.

Check.

2007-07-15T17:34:00.001-07:00

First time making it through Mass with four children. It was a beautiful thing.

(They ALL slept! AND we had Noni here. I have a feeling the real test is to come.)

God's Grace: Our Roan.

2007-07-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

We did it. We did it! Seriously, we did it!

Thank you so much, prayer warrior friends, family, and all those we love. As most of you will recall, my faith in this whole process was seriously faltering. I was losing all trust. I kept asking God why he was making me PROVE that I trusted him. I began to lose hope, even being willing to go into the hospital on the night of the 11th and have a little prostaglandin "nudge" to get me started.

God is good. He is just so dang good. The morning of my birthday started out lovely, with breakfast, cake and cards. My mom got here around 11 and was such a lifting presence. When she got here, she started playing with the kids and helping out right away. My spirits were still down at the thought of being a "dud" and the fact that I might not be able to do this myself.

I knew that if I was going to go into the hospital that evening for a little nudge, I should rest. After Shepherd went down for his nap I got Curious George for the kids ( and Noni) to watch. I totally let go, relaxed and rested. Labor began.

I couldn't believe I woke up from a little cat nap in true labor. I didn't really trust it, but the contractions were stronger and varied between 3 and 7 minutes apart, slowing down only when I did. I just couldn't believe it.

I called the hospital to tell them I was in labor on my own now and we took our time, loading up, preparing, showering and I did a lot of praying. Prayers of thanks, mostly, and few requests for help and trust.

When we arrived to check in, my midwife was there waiting for me. God really blessed us with her. I cannot believe what a strong bond I felt and continue to feel with her--after having delivered three out of four of my children. They put me on monitors and she checked me. I was dilated 4 cm and was prepared that this natural labor might take longer than I thought. After being on the monitors for 20 minutes, we were free to walk and labor.

We walked, slow danced, Steve whispered in my ear, we walked. Noni walked with us, trying to stay out of the way and be supportive, but all the while I could feel her prayers on me. I could feel her presence. Steve was such an amazing "coach"--calm, gentle, strong, and faithful. He never wavered.

We went back up to be on monitors and for them to check me again. I was at an 8! They called the midwife. She was already on her way. Divine? Absolutely. Straight from God? No doubt about it. He just wanted me to trust Him. All along.

Sherry (our midwife) broke my water. We knew things were going to get intense and go fast after that. I had prepared myself for it and started saying some of my labor meditations and prayers. Things DID get more intense. They did NOT go fast though.

Pretty quickly, it became apparent to Sherry and me that something was wrong. The baby was posterior. This was going to be a little rougher than we thought. Let's just say, I owe everyone in that room earplugs. While Sherry tried to hold my cervix out of the way I tried to push. The baby just wouldn't come down. I tried to sit up, sit forward, lay back, lay on my side and rock. Sherry asked me to get up and get on all fours. At that point, I would have stood on my head if she had asked me to.

I rocked and swayed and screamed on all fours for what felt like hours and seconds all at the same time. (I've heard it was more like 30 minutes). I rolled back over and felt the baby move into position and drop from his stuck position behind my pubic bone. It was beautiful. I FELT it. It was painful and exciting and scary. I asked God why He had forsaken me. I couldn't do this anymore. I am not that strong. Within about a minute, our beautiful son was in my arms. I DID it.

Roan Harrison made his entrance with One. Big. Push. It was amazing. It was just amazing. Christ Centered, difficult, powerful, and amazing. I would do it again in a minute. Or, a couple years.

Grandma and Grandpa brought Paxton, Ella and Shepherd to meet their new little brother. Seeing them running down the hall toward us brought tears to my eyes. They were so excited, bringing presents, kisses and laughter. Paxton still wants to name the baby James. Ella keeps wanting to refer to him as a "her". And Shepherd likes to stick his fingers in the baby's mouth and eyes and give him kisses and "pats".

We are a family. We are blessed. We have God's Grace with us always. We have our Roan.

Eat your hearts out!

2007-07-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

Roan Harrison Prentice was born 7/11/07 (on Mommy's birthday) at 10:00pm. 8 lbs, 6 oz, 20.5 in long.

Much more to come later!

Dud no more!

2007-07-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

We're off to have a baby--I was going to be induced at 7pm tonight...but, God wouldn't have it.

My mom arrived this morning to sing, bring presents and play with the kids on my birthday. I couldn't be happier that THIS is the day God decided that a new one should enter the world. He did it for my mom 28 years ago. Now He's doing it for me.

Thank you, God, for not giving up on me. Thank you, all of my beautiful prayer warrior friends. You have lifted me up like the eagle's wings and now I will prepare to stand in the radiant love of the Lord as he carries me the rest of the way.

Oh how ready we are!

2007-07-10T08:01:00.001-07:00

Feeling better today. Still sad and a bit disappointed, but better. We'll see what the day has in store.

2007-07-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

Title: Weakness.

Again....no title because blogger won't allow it. Nice.

So, I am getting in the car in 20 minutes. I am driving to Seattle. The driving alone will kill 5.5 hours roughly. 5.5 hours where I don't have to bend over, pick anyone or anything up, and I can cry all I want. I can can just sit there, drive and cry while my children zone out on Milo and Otis.

I contracted ALL day yesterday, convinced that we'd be making our "child care phone calls" by mid-evening. Uh, no. Nope. Didn't happen. Then I went to bed. Then I woke up. Still pregnant. Still uncomfortable as hell, with a foot permanently lodged underneath my right ribcage. Still on the verge of tears. Redemptive suffering for me, personally? Totally okay. Important now and then, really. Self denial. Growth. Redemptive suffering for my three children and poor husband who never signed up to ride this ridiculous roller coaster? Redemptive suffering for a 17 month old whose Mommy can't really even play with him except from a chair because she's so uncomfortable? Not fair. Not at all. Nothing THEY signed up for.

So, I changed my appointment. I knew I might need to buy myself more time. I was supposed to have a doctor appointment this morning. I moved it to Thursday. After I see my midwife (who is really more like an allopathically trained physician who routinely practices medical inductions and who has induced me twice now) I will likely be induced on Thursday. I will likely feel like a failure, like something is just wrong with my body that I cannot seem to just cook a healthy child in a decent amount of time and then spit them out on my own. I will likely feel like I don't want to tell anyone how I feel. I will feel disappointed. I will wonder if this is all part of my own personal torment and suffering. I might also feel so relieved to be done with all of this. So relieved to have some mobility, a reprieve from daily tears, joy, frustration, exhaustion and irritation, from self-pity, and feelings of just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. The novelty has officially worn off. I have prayed rosaries. I have walked. I have prayed. I have walked. I have asked two different prayer groups I am in to pray. I have stayed busy and active. I have tried natural induction methods. I have tried to "just relax". I have tried to distract. I have really tried to maintain a really positive outlook and complained as minimally as I could (with everyone except Steve, of course. Sorry, Love.) asking for grace MULTIPLE times throughout the day.

Sometimes, it's okay to just lay it on the table. Right?

I can't do it anymore.

Just when you're about to give into self-pity...

2007-07-08T08:01:00.001-07:00

the daily Gospel reflection and prayer reminds you to try to be a little more like sheep.

2007-07-07T16:41:00.001-07:00

No title because blogger won't allow it. Good times.

Please tell me it's okay to cry. I am so uncomfortable and really starting to give in to despair. I swear, if one more person calls me to ask if I've "had that baby yet", I am going to lose all grace. It's quite amazing the people that come out of the woodwork, people you don't hear from in six months, to ask you when you're going to have that baby. Why?

Hi. Just me. Still here. Getting bigger and bigger and....

2007-07-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

A little cheese, mushroom and olive pizza and some Peter Pan. This Friday family night? It's sure to be a good distraction.

Learning lessons.

2007-07-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

We had such a wonderful day yesterday, filled with a slice from a cherry pie made to feed 3,000 people, walking around listening to live Christian entertainment in a nearby small town called George. George, Washington.

There was BBQ-ing, contracting, lots of water for everyone, lots of heat to go around, festivities, minor crankiness (never from Mommy, of course), napping, fireworks until quite late, and more contracting. I know Steve was nervous about how I'd hold up throughout the day. I think I impressed him. Right, Honey?

I forgot one very important detail. Our children? They went out to our property with Daddy early in the morning. They met with Vic, our excavator. They climbed up in the track-hoe with Vic. They OPERATED it "for" Vic. They LOVED it. So, between fireworks, at giant cherry pie, and operating a $200,000.00 piece of machinery, the fact that they STILL haven't gotten to meet their newest little brother or sister seemed immaterial to them.

See? In God's time, not mine.

Added to the list.

2007-07-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

Now my precious 17 month old can also say "No way!", "hat", "balloon", and "Thank you!".

What's that you asked? Can he say "Mommy"? Um, yeah. No.

Again, if I were the sensitive type I might take this personally. Thank goodness I am always calm, cool, collected and very rational about these sorts of things. Yes, thank goodness. Now, if you'll pass me the tissue..

Dud.

2007-07-02T11:47:00.001-07:00

When I was in labor with Shepherd and peetered out at about 4 cm, finally needing to have induction medication, I took on the label "Dud". I was really hoping to redeem myself with this baby.

I am a very miniscule 1 cm dilated and 75% effaced. Dud?

You decide.

And, no, I don't care at all that it's supposed to be ONE HUNDRED AND TWO DEGREES outside over the 4th and 5th. I am perfectly content still being pregnant. I'll just be naked. Indoors. Sipping lemonade.

God, please help me to bring this baby forth like you designed. And soon. I am so sorry that I made a mistake when praying to you earlier on in my pregnancy. I prayed for patience. I'd like to scratch that now. Instead, can I pray for strength and excitement and no fear and ......expedition? Oh, great! Thank you! I love you. I knew you'd be totally cool with me changing my request.

Just me.

2007-07-01T19:17:00.001-07:00

Still here.

Stay tuned.

Nothing but upsides.

2007-06-30T07:24:00.001-07:00

In a little over an hour we have the second official meeting of the Elizabeth Group we kicked off a month ago. I am so excited to see the people I've been praying for again and to welcome any new faces. God willing, this group will just grow in strength and love--resulting in even stronger families in faith.

Then, I'm off to the baby shower that's being thrown in my honor (well, more like in the honor of this precious little person inside me). All gifts are going to be donations to Crossroads (our local crisis pregnancy center where I have volunteered for four years). Is that not the coolest idea?! A fellow prayer group member, volunteer at Crossroads, pregnant lady, and very good friend had this idea. I am so grateful for it. I think she hit it right on the money. I can't wait to tear into all those gifts and see what some very lucky, needy, and all too nervous mommies are going to be receiving.

Hopefully, all this excitement will thoroughly wear me out and I will sleep tonight. And then the baby will come out. Or not. We'll see. I'm cool with whatever. Really. I am. Hey, now the baby will surely have a July birthday just like me! Now that's worth waiting for.

iHuh.

2007-06-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

I really want the new iPhone. I really do. Just to see what all the hype is about. If only I could figure out any of the buttons on my current, very simple phone. I am clearly not in Generation X or Generation Y.

Maybe more like Generation LY.

Nicole: The Putterer.

2007-06-28T06:20:00.001-07:00

That's me. I am officially a "putterer".

How much longer can this continue?! Am I in labor or am I not? Day four and counting.

If only the feminists' angles were....

2007-06-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

this:

"To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women." ~Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

Whoa. Imagine the powerful marriages our culture would have!

Time?

2007-06-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

We've poured foundation. We're pouring stem walls. We have power, a honey bucket, a trailer and wireless so Steve can start working from our property--instead of the little office space he's been renting downtown. We signed papers to close on our loan this morning.

Good thing the baby hasn't come just yet because, frankly? We just have no time to labor right now. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm still here.

2007-06-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd update in case anyone was starting to wonder if I had dropped 13 pounds or so in the last couple of days. I haven't. Not yet, anyway.

I had pro-dromal contractions almost all night last night, waking up only for the duration of the "cramp" and then going back to sleep. I must say, as crazy as it sounds, it was very cool. I really visualized what my uterus was doing, with each wave--the work that it was doing. I am really excited about labor. Prayers have been answered. Mine and others. I can really honestly say, I am not afraid. Only excitement fills me now. I know it will be a lot of work and intense, but I am not afraid of it.

I have had some indicators that labor is close but, as my husband asks, aren't most of them pretty correlational? For the most part, yes. But, I'll take em' anyway.

We are keeping busy, researching and buying a used second family car, excavating land, walking, going to swimming lessons, walking, cleaning, walking, reading, walking, and visiting friends and walking.

In other news, I seem to be finding myself making vats of chicken noodle soup and chicken enchiladas. It just seems the thing to do on this HOT summer day.

Happy 29th Birthday To My Sweet, Beautiful Husband.

2007-06-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

I love you.

We are breaking ground today. We are having our land blessed at noon. We are blessed with three amazing children. We are about to welcome another member to our family any day. Our parents cheer us on and support us, our children see us as heroes, and our friends enrich us. Our faith sustains us. All of these make us grow. I am happy to grow right alongside you, Love. Every step of the way.

So appropriate is today's Gospel reading. Matthew 6:19-23:

..."For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be."

You might be tempted to think yourself insignificant in the life of your seventeen month old.

2007-06-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

Don't.

So what if he can say "Bye Bye!", "Daddy!", "Doggy!", "Kitty!", "Hi", "Balloon!", "Dora", and "Night Night" but he can't say "Mommy"? It's No. Big. Deal.

He's not completely broken. At least he can 'high five' you. And in this house? That's a milestone.