Good Foundations.

Many of you know that I am actually in two different scripture study women's groups. One I started in my own town that we are calling an Elizabeth Group, and a less formal one in a neighboring town. I am sure, not long from now, I will have to limit myself to only attending the one here, in my own town. But, I have grown so close to all of the women, sharing very intimate prayer requests and details about my life that I can't imagine severing that close connection. My current life is proof that all those prayerful friends are powerful. So, I'll keep up with the two different bible studies/Catholic life book clubs two Saturday mornings a month for now. We'll just revisit that one later. For now, I need the time for just me, to improve Nicole.

It was my job to pick the next book for one of the groups and bulk order it. Ten books arrived yesterday. Ten amazing books that are going to knock all of our socks off. Michaelann Martin's Women of Grace. It's a bible study for married women. In the preface she speaks of many stay- at-home moms becoming isolated and lonely.

Michaelann writes, "They fall prey to watching daytime television as their only source of education and affirmation. Games shows tend to trivialize life, soap operas fill us with romantic notions that breed dissatisfactions with our so called "hum-drum" lives, and talk shows give a false sense of success when we view ourselves in light of all the train wrecks in others' lives. All of them give a disproportionate view of life, without even coming close to addressing the real reason that we are all here in the first place: to know, love, and serve God in this life in order to be with Him in the next."

We turned off cable in our house almost three years ago. We still have a television to watch movies, but no direct t.v. It has benefited the kids, I believe, but mostly it has benefited me. I am the one who got addicted to watching others lives instead of living my own. In Psychology classes they'll refer to what Michaelann is talking about as using "downward counterfactuals." That means looking at others' train wrecks and believing that you're "doing pretty well". "See? I could be that lady!"

That doesn't help anyone. Ever. We never grow when we always compare ourselves to what or who is "worse". We are supposed to be looking up, looking at what's better, emulating those whom we see as doing better--having true happiness.  "I may be a drunk, but at least I'm not on the streets." "I may babysit my kids with the t.v. all day, but at least I'm not swearing at them." " I may scream at my kids all the time but at least I don't beat them." " I may never exercise, but at least I don't smoke." Okay, you're getting the point.

So, back to this book...It's going to be phenomenal. Mrs. Martin recommends reading Galatians 5:22-25 and Catechism, no. 1832, before beginning. After reading them, now I am so anxious to get started!

In other news, my beautiful husband has been out of town for four days now. Four LONG days. It doesn't just feel like it should be Saturday already, it feels like it should be NOVEMBER already. I miss him SO much. The early mornings and evenings are the hardest times for me. For obvious reasons. I am used to operating solo all day but having nobody around in the evenings makes the sprint at the end of the marathon particularly grueling. Come home soon, Love. We all miss Daddy. Just two more days to go.

 

On second thought....

Finally, I have the time. The time to reflect, write, breathe. The time to give back.

Our lives have been busy. Like all of you, our lives are busy. I don't mean to use that as an excuse, rather I mean to use it as a way to apologize. I feel like I need to apologize for neglecting friends, family, and God. Most importantly, God. I began a Novena 27 days ago--of which I only actually completed about 22 days. Now, I should be on the the "thank you" part of the Novena. I am just so tired at the end of the evening and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

Imagine if God used that excuse. "Nicole, I'm really sorry. I'm just tired. I've been so busy doing other things and helping other people that I just don't have time for you."

Lord, I am sorry. Help me to figure out the best way to do this. Holly Pierlot speaks in her book, A Mother's Rule of Life, about the 5 P's. The 5 P's are; 1) Prayer, 2) Person, 3) Partner, 4) Parent, and 5) Provider. Your life should be prioritized in that way. Mine looks a bit more like this; 1) Provider, 2) Parent, 3) Partner, 4) Prayer, and finally 5)Person.

So, looks like God and myself? We're last. I need help with that. Things are beginning to normalize a bit now that Paxton has started a REGULAR school schedule, all day every day. For the last two weeks it has only been three days a week-with Ella's preschool on alternating days. I didn't know whether we were coming or going. We also started keeping the neighbor boy at our house after school since his parents both work in a neighboring town and don't get home until 4:30ish. We wanted the boy to begin at St. Rose so badly that I offered to pick him up after school to make it easier for them to bite the bullet and send him. He is a beautiful boy and his heart is so big. It wasn't a difficult offer to make. But, it is one more person to be responsible for in this Very. Tiny. Rental.

I am co-chairing the annual school auction this year, set for Nov. 3rd. Steve and I are going to create a slide show for the pro-life resource center's annual fundraiser on Oct. 18th. I commited to make the Kindergarten class project for the auction--which will be a quilt with each child's footprint on it, amongst many other "beachy" items in a sandbox. Have I ever quilted in my life? Uh, no. Here's to the local quilt shop and I developing a VERY good friendship.

When Paxton was an infant I remember being impatient. I wanted him to sit up, then walk, then talk, then run. I couldn't wait for the next phase of his development. I was just so excited to see him grow. Now, I find myself in the quiet of the evening looking at my sweet baby Roan and wishing I could just push the "pause" button. I just want time to stop for one moment. I love his sweetness, his smell, the way he cuddles under my chin. I love the way he needs me in his own unique way and I feel sad that I didn't just stop and enjoy it with all my children. I wish I could rewind and do it all over with each of them. Roan is already almost 3 months old. I cannot believe how quickly life is passing. While I am so busy, doing this and that, going from here to there, life is quickly passing. I don't want to miss my children being young. That is why I stay at home with them. That is why. And, yet, I am still missing it.

I have a gross inability to say "no". People know that about me. I know that about myself. And, short of becoming a recluse and cutting off all contact with people, I don't know how to balance yet. I am learning, I think. Maybe not.

Pride is such a character defect. I don't like to admit that I might not be able to do something, to accomplish something. I don't like to say, "Sure, I'd love the help" when inside, I really would love the help. I have spoken with friends before about motivation and drive being instilled in me at a very early age. Both of my parents had a good work ethic instilled in them and neither of them are very tolerant of themselves if they are feeling or acting "lazy". A good friend of mine said that the word "lazy" just wreaks of judgement. It does. It really does. "Unmotivated" sounds much better. But, no matter what I call it, it's the same to me.  For me, the thought of someone thinking I am lazy makes me cringe. I hate it. And, why? It's sloth. It's gluttonous. It's greed. It's ....ridiculous. If I take a day to play at the park with my kids or take the phone off the hook, I highly doubt anyone is going to be confronting me about my lack of motivation. I do it to myself.

For some, I am sure it's a challenge to keep themselves active and motivated. And that's okay. That's their challenge. That's not mine. My challenge? To stop constantly judging myself against others. To stop obsessing about what I am or am not doing, where I am or am not going, what I will or will not commit to. My judgement of others is really my judgement of myself and my fear of  self worthlessness. My fear that someone might deem me relatively insignificant. Not a contributing member of society. How horrible to admit.

Isn't the very thing that God asks of us contrary to that? Doesn't He ask us to be humble, to go unnoticed and unappreciated, to not seek fame or notoriety? Doesn't He ask us to serve without reward, to give without fail, to sacrifice without acknowledgment? Not to pout? Not to whine? To stop complaining? 

I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about worrying that people might see me as lazy. I have been complaining about missing babies growth. I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about being blessed.

My babies are healthy and growing. What a blessing. My life is busy and filled with friends and family with whom I can laugh and serve. What a blessing. I am a mother and a wife, who is needed every second of the day. What a blessing. I have the ability to say "yes". What a blessing.  I have SO many wonderful things in my life I am forced to worry about "prioritizing". What a blessing.

What was I complaining about again?

Oh! Another tidbit because that's all I have time for.

 The iPhone? Yeah, it totally rocks.

Ditto.

I was going to try to carve out some time today to explain what's been going on in our lives and just how busy we have become over the last two weeks. Then....I read Celeste's blog entry. I don't really think I even need to write anything more. 

Thanks, Celeste. ;)

Introducing..... Jethro.

Shepherd was a total champ. Our day went something like this: Drug Shepherd up with a prescribed dose of tylenol with codeine. Drive to chiropractor to get Mommy back to her full head turn capacity so she can resume doing "the sprinkler" while dancing at all those parties she doesn't go to, while Uncle Kellen plays with drunk Shepherd and lovingly holds bobble head baby Roan. Load babies back up and head to Dentist. Dentist (aka VERY good friend Dr. T, or Miss Carrie) tickles baby Shepherd while Uncle Kellen holds him and Mommy and Baby Roan step outside the room to hit the x-ray button each time Dr. T yells "Take it!" Dr. T. looks at pics while we visit and concludes that, yes, indeed that tooth will turn black. It will NOT fall out on its own however. We would just have to watch for infection. We decide together that for all parties involved it would be easier to just let go. We said goodbye and mourned the premature loss of the baby tooth. Uncle Kellen exited to the lobby with a very sleepy bobble headed baby Roan and Mommy climbed up in the chair, held drunken Shepherds arms against her, and helped Dr. T distract him with a hot pink plastic fish. The fish was funny. Really funny. Funny enough that he looked up and underneath him came The Pliers.

It took all of about 1.6 seconds for her to pull the tooth. He cried, I guazed, all was well. For lunch he ate two biscuits and promptly slept for almost three hours. He is back to his feisty, hilarious, loud self. Bruiser is still Bruiser. He's just going to be a toothless Jethro sort of Bruiser for the next four to five. Hey....maybe we should look into gold. I'd hate to see him get mugged for his tooth though.

I will blog more later. It's been too long and our lives have been busier than I care to continue

Proof that it's a good idea to make sure you are friends with at least one dentist.

Shepherd ran toward me. He tripped over the carpet. He fell onto the coffee table. His tooth broke his fall. No, no it's not chipped, cracked, or broken. It's just resting comfortably from whence it came. Back up inside his gum. The plans I had for Monday? Yeah, nevermind. We'll be sitting comfortably in Dr. T's chair--likely having that tooth pulled out. 

And to think I was nervous about Paxton loosing his first tooth sometime this year because he's a Kindergartner now. I should have guessed Bruiser would be first. 

And you shouldn't worry. Shepherd only cried for a minute, took a couple big swigs of water and then commenced enjoying his quesadilla. 

Pain tolerance? High. Risk awareness? Low.

Appropriate programming for toddlers.

Last night Steve kept Ella with him while he was doing some work for a client at their office (He has his own business on the side and does some consulting). Ella entertained herself in various ways, one of which was watching television. TLC to be exact.

This was a conversation Steve and I had last night:

Me: So, Ella did alright keeping herself occupied?

Steve: Yeah, she did. Oh, and in case she she tells you that she has a friend on her shoulder tomorrow, you should know that she was watching a show about conjoined twins. 

Bona fide Catholic.

On this day, Mary's birthday, it seems a good day to be baptised too.

What a glorious day, a shared baptism and God's love all around. My Godson and my own son are united in a beautiful way; one born on the feast of St. Benedict, the other, named Isaiah Benedict.

Is it okay to cry now?

Paxton and Ella's first day of school was today. 

My big, five year old kindergardener let go of my hand and reached out for his new teacher's. He was timid, nervous and uncertain. His sister, on the other hand, my little three year old preschooler, let go of my hand and RAN for her teacher's. We all (Steve, myself, Paxton, Shepherd and Roan) walked Ella into her classroom to show her her desk, and familiarize her with the room. I began with, "Okay, now, Ella, let's find your name and put your things.." when she interrupted me. "Okay, bye!!!", she cheerfully exclaimed. 

We left Ella's room and made our way down to Paxton's classroom. He held tightly to my hand as Steve, the babies and I walked him down the hall. I glanced back over my shoulder to see Ella already completely comfortable and playing happily with the other children.

Paxton kept his head down and his posture suggested a little fear. His teacher (who is a good friend and in one of my prayer groups) came right over and welcomed him. She even suggested a 'photo op', which delighted my heart. I wanted to cry right then, as I lifted the camera to take a picture of my son at his first big boy desk with his new teacher. 

Roan was in the bjorn, Shepherd was in Steve's arms. It felt like the end of an era. We were about to say goodbye and go home with only two children--leaving two others behind.

This is our first day.

By the way, you can see Roan's godmother (my good friend who just had her baby last Monday that I blogged about) in one of these shots. She's the other mom, with the newborn baby (my new GODSON!) in the Bjorn. That's her son, walking right behind Paxton for HIS first day of Kindergarden. Her other son was happily playing right alongside Ella for HIS first day of three year old Preschool. :)

 

Absolutes.

Me: Okay, kids, it's time to go.

...after we are in the van headed home...

Me: That was fun.

Ella: Did I leave with a good attitude, Mom?  ( I have told the kids that if they leave with a good attitude and don't pout or whine, we can always come back--to wherever it might be)

Me: Yep, you sure did!

Ella: Then.....can I absolutely come back?

Me: Absolutely.