On second thought....

Finally, I have the time. The time to reflect, write, breathe. The time to give back.

Our lives have been busy. Like all of you, our lives are busy. I don't mean to use that as an excuse, rather I mean to use it as a way to apologize. I feel like I need to apologize for neglecting friends, family, and God. Most importantly, God. I began a Novena 27 days ago--of which I only actually completed about 22 days. Now, I should be on the the "thank you" part of the Novena. I am just so tired at the end of the evening and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

Imagine if God used that excuse. "Nicole, I'm really sorry. I'm just tired. I've been so busy doing other things and helping other people that I just don't have time for you."

Lord, I am sorry. Help me to figure out the best way to do this. Holly Pierlot speaks in her book, A Mother's Rule of Life, about the 5 P's. The 5 P's are; 1) Prayer, 2) Person, 3) Partner, 4) Parent, and 5) Provider. Your life should be prioritized in that way. Mine looks a bit more like this; 1) Provider, 2) Parent, 3) Partner, 4) Prayer, and finally 5)Person.

So, looks like God and myself? We're last. I need help with that. Things are beginning to normalize a bit now that Paxton has started a REGULAR school schedule, all day every day. For the last two weeks it has only been three days a week-with Ella's preschool on alternating days. I didn't know whether we were coming or going. We also started keeping the neighbor boy at our house after school since his parents both work in a neighboring town and don't get home until 4:30ish. We wanted the boy to begin at St. Rose so badly that I offered to pick him up after school to make it easier for them to bite the bullet and send him. He is a beautiful boy and his heart is so big. It wasn't a difficult offer to make. But, it is one more person to be responsible for in this Very. Tiny. Rental.

I am co-chairing the annual school auction this year, set for Nov. 3rd. Steve and I are going to create a slide show for the pro-life resource center's annual fundraiser on Oct. 18th. I commited to make the Kindergarten class project for the auction--which will be a quilt with each child's footprint on it, amongst many other "beachy" items in a sandbox. Have I ever quilted in my life? Uh, no. Here's to the local quilt shop and I developing a VERY good friendship.

When Paxton was an infant I remember being impatient. I wanted him to sit up, then walk, then talk, then run. I couldn't wait for the next phase of his development. I was just so excited to see him grow. Now, I find myself in the quiet of the evening looking at my sweet baby Roan and wishing I could just push the "pause" button. I just want time to stop for one moment. I love his sweetness, his smell, the way he cuddles under my chin. I love the way he needs me in his own unique way and I feel sad that I didn't just stop and enjoy it with all my children. I wish I could rewind and do it all over with each of them. Roan is already almost 3 months old. I cannot believe how quickly life is passing. While I am so busy, doing this and that, going from here to there, life is quickly passing. I don't want to miss my children being young. That is why I stay at home with them. That is why. And, yet, I am still missing it.

I have a gross inability to say "no". People know that about me. I know that about myself. And, short of becoming a recluse and cutting off all contact with people, I don't know how to balance yet. I am learning, I think. Maybe not.

Pride is such a character defect. I don't like to admit that I might not be able to do something, to accomplish something. I don't like to say, "Sure, I'd love the help" when inside, I really would love the help. I have spoken with friends before about motivation and drive being instilled in me at a very early age. Both of my parents had a good work ethic instilled in them and neither of them are very tolerant of themselves if they are feeling or acting "lazy". A good friend of mine said that the word "lazy" just wreaks of judgement. It does. It really does. "Unmotivated" sounds much better. But, no matter what I call it, it's the same to me.  For me, the thought of someone thinking I am lazy makes me cringe. I hate it. And, why? It's sloth. It's gluttonous. It's greed. It's ....ridiculous. If I take a day to play at the park with my kids or take the phone off the hook, I highly doubt anyone is going to be confronting me about my lack of motivation. I do it to myself.

For some, I am sure it's a challenge to keep themselves active and motivated. And that's okay. That's their challenge. That's not mine. My challenge? To stop constantly judging myself against others. To stop obsessing about what I am or am not doing, where I am or am not going, what I will or will not commit to. My judgement of others is really my judgement of myself and my fear of  self worthlessness. My fear that someone might deem me relatively insignificant. Not a contributing member of society. How horrible to admit.

Isn't the very thing that God asks of us contrary to that? Doesn't He ask us to be humble, to go unnoticed and unappreciated, to not seek fame or notoriety? Doesn't He ask us to serve without reward, to give without fail, to sacrifice without acknowledgment? Not to pout? Not to whine? To stop complaining? 

I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about worrying that people might see me as lazy. I have been complaining about missing babies growth. I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about being blessed.

My babies are healthy and growing. What a blessing. My life is busy and filled with friends and family with whom I can laugh and serve. What a blessing. I am a mother and a wife, who is needed every second of the day. What a blessing. I have the ability to say "yes". What a blessing.  I have SO many wonderful things in my life I am forced to worry about "prioritizing". What a blessing.

What was I complaining about again?