Engrossed.

I am engrossed. Currently, I am reading one of the best books I have read to date. One of my favorite authors, Scott Peck's beautiful work; "The People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil". It is so good. I am learning. (Specifically that evil doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being possessed or the people you might only find in prisons.) I am learning and I am finding that all those psychology courses and that nifty major of mine is paying off. I might not be out in the work force but, darn it, I have enough clean up work to do right in my own family and extended families! When we live in the Truth, and let go of fear, we Live. Here's to endless learning and LIVING.

In another effort to live in the Truth, I am making major strides on the home front. This comes after a particularly disturbing and brief conversation that took place at our dinner table about a week ago. I was tired, which is no excuse but must be said. I am not proud.

Me: Okay, let's sit down and eat. Dinner's ready.

Everyone: Okay!

Ella: Can I have some water?

Me: ( as I get up to get it) **sighing** Yes. Hang on.

(Shepherd is screaming, sitting at his high chair, waiting to be fed)

Me: There. Oh, we need napkins. Hang on. (more sighing as I go back to the kitchen to retrieve the napkins).

...I'm finally sitting down so we can begin eating.

Paxton: Mommy, can I have some milk too?

Me: Argh! You know, I'd just like to sit and eat MY dinner for once! Is that possible?! It's not my job to always be serving YOU.



Okay. There it is. I had to make serious amends to Paxton later. That conversation has been sticking with me since then. I haven't been able to shake the fact that I said that to my son. I talked with Steve about it after the kids had gone to bed that night. I said, " I feel badly. You know, that IS my job. It IS my job to serve him. That is my vocation. It's my own small call to holiness. And here I am, complaining and whining about it. Getting angry and resentful at the kids for needing me so much." Steve just smiled and said, " I know. I thought the same thing." ( At which point I didn't know whether to keep my moment of humility in tact or get up and sock him between the eyes. Thankfully, I had a moment of grace and chose the former.) I knew what he meant, though. I knew that he was lovingly encouraging me to feel and explore a little guilt, a little attack of conscience, and to use it to improve myself. Not to wallow in it, but to make postive change. He just didn't quite put it that eloquently.

So, I have been saying a morning consecration. A prayer dedicating my entire day, my words, my eyes, my ears, and my duties to God. A prayer of thanks and of intention to entrust my children, my husband and myself to Him. To what He desires for us. I have also been making a much more conscious effort to say a prayer (thanks to Danielle Bean) to my childrens' guardian angels. A prayer of protection. Protection from me. I know, it sounds like I beat my children. I promise, I don't. It sounds like I run around screaming at them, chasing them with sticks. I don't. But, what concerns me is something that I have known for many years but something that I guess I never gave much thought until recently.

You can break children. Without ever touching a hair on their head. You can break them with inattention, emotional unavailability, being fearful yourself, witholding love and affection, and keeping God's beauty and message from them. You can break them.

God, with Your Love and Grace, may we not only not break our children, but may we build them up, with Your help, into spiritual, selfless, emotional, happy, loving, life-filled, truthful servants. May we always protect them from human evil, ours or others. May we do it with a spirit of Joy. The True Joy of selflessness.

I am currently engrossed in my family becoming a "People of The Truth".