I can admit it. I'm sensitive.
My ability to filter information with any degree of accuracy or rationality might be compromised. I am weepy. I cry when I think of how blessed my marriage is and what a great team we are and five minutes later I cry, convinced that I am going to have to call in reinforcements when this fourth baby comes because our lives are entirely too overwhelming. I feel defensive when someone says I'm not big enough to be nine months pregnant and I feel like slapping someone when they say how big I am. Or when they guess that I'm carrying a boy/ girl because I'm carrying low/high or because my hips look wider/the same . I have heard it all, really. Like my midwife says, "It's amazing the things that people think they can or should say to pregnant people, as if by being pregnant it means one no longer has any feelings at all."
I cannot filter any longer. I am ready to stay in seclusion. Ready to hide for the next three plus weeks.
Okay, Nicole, snap out of it. Whine session over.
I have read the "Bradley Method", "Christ Centered Childbirth", "Spiritual Midwifery", and "The Bradley Method" again. I have note cards with scripture passages on them, juice boxes ready to be chilled and another pregnancy massage schedule for next week. I finally packed "the bag" last night and came to terms with the fact that, even though it won't, labor could begin any day now and with three small children, I can't really just leave it all to the last minute. For Steve's sake and mine.
I got some great advice from a friend of mine who has labored, at home, naturally, for hours, three times now. Are you ready? Here it is: "Stop thinking so much". In deciding that I am going to go "naturally" this time, I have developed this horrible habit about thinking all the time. Can I do it? Will people think I'm ridiculous? Will I be nice to those I love? Will I be a whiner? What if Steve doesn't pick up on that serious emotional signpost as I'm approaching transition and then we don't make it to the hospital and then I have the baby in the back of the van and then my memories of natural childbirth will involve blood-stained leather and awkwardly gawking pedestrians? See? It's just way too much thinking. I am going to stop now.
There. That feels better.
Realizing that I haven't blogged in about 11 days, I am feeling the need to talk about the Elizabeth Group that I kicked off two weekends ago and the beginning NFP training session that Steve and I went through. I say "Elizabeth Group" instead of Elizabeth Ministry because I just didn't like how limiting the Ministry was, only really being something for mothers who are childbearing. I really wanted something for all mothers of young children, a prayer group, a bible study. Our parish has SO many young families and we all need to be connecting and praying for and with each other. I am SO excited about it and our first meeting went off without a hitch! We'll meet the last Saturday of every month, praying for each other every day until then, when we'll have new prayer intentions. I wish I could convince every woman in my life to join a women's prayer group. It is just so wonderful to have the emotional support, fellowship, bonding and healing that is so important for women to have. We are not whiners (with the exception of me, see: earlier in this post). We are not husband-bashers. We are not gossipers. We are sisters. We are optimists. We are faithful. We are Hearts of our Homes.
The NFP training was great, too. After reading Christopher West's book, "The Good News about Sex and Marriage" over three years ago, I could not go on living in the bubble that I had. I could not pretend that it didn't matter any longer. Once you know and have heard the Truth, you can't "un-know" it. It's right there, in the biggest book of all. It's the difference between asking God to enter into your marriage at ALL times and telling him, "No thanks. You're not invited in here right now." NFP isn't natural contraception. Because it isn't contraception at all. At no time are you telling God that He's not welcome. Oh....I could talk about this for hours! I'll shelf it for now though. Suffice it to say, it'll definitely be more work to be keeping track, charting, and...GOD FORBID.....talking. To be communicating about our marriage, our humanity, our fertility and our family. On a regular basis. To be in it together. Truly together. An interesting tidbit? To paraphrase, "while there is little difference in the divorce rate between couples who say they are Catholic and couples who aren't, the divorce rate amongst couples who soley practice NFP is virtually non-existent." How about that.
Do you feel caught up with me yet?
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8 comments:
Wonderfully caught up, dear!
I can't believe you are so close to the due date! And you WILL NOT need reinforcements - you can do it. Four kids hard? Yes. Easier than I thought? Gosh yes! I like the stop thinking advice so much. There are so many what ifs out there that if we think too much we will make ourselves sick and completely disable ourselves to do anything productive at all. I cannot wait to meet your newest little one!
The Elizabeth group sounds wonderful. I have so wanted to do something like that. You will have to share more details with me.
And if you ever want to go on and on about NFP - go ahead. I loved what you had to say! We are promoters and give talks to engaged couples. I wish everyone could come to see it like you guys have. What a blessing. Hard at times? Yes. But way worth the effort to let it all bless your marriage!
Have a beautiful day!
Like I said, "Your give-a-damn is busted" and that's o.k.
Love you
Nicole, I always understood the EM to be for women in their childbearing years, not necessarily for women actually actively engaged in child-bearing at the moment. Has it changed?
Michelle,
Yeah, it's really geared more toward women actively childbearing. This comes from the Elizabeth Ministry International website:
The areas of Elizabeth Ministry include, but are not limited to: pregnancy, birth, miscarriage, stillbirth, regretted abortions, infant or child death, crisis or special needs, adoption, fertility and infertility.
So, though it's not "limited to" these areas, they are still the majority of the focus. I just didn't want to exclude any of the moms who have young children and might NOT necessarily be planning to have any more. You know?
Seriously, we never interpreted it so severely to mean that if you were "done" you couldn't be involved. We had lots of volunteers who were "done" for one reason or another. Really, it's much better for a mother without an infant to support a mother with an infant. It's the experience that matters. A woman who had a miscarriage 5 years ago is much better able to comfort a woman suffering one right now than am I who have never had a miscarriage. A woman who suffered for a decade with infertility (and now accepts it) is a much better comfort to a woman who has been trying unsuccessfully for two years and has not yet accepted it than is a woman who is also suffering the same thing and has also not accepted it.
I'm not telling you what to do, Nicole. I'm just really surprised at your take on it. I never saw it like that.
MIchelle,
I guess what I'm saying is that I didn't want the focus to be on "childbearing" at all. I want the focus to be about mothers and wives supporting each other in prayer and fellowship. If that encompasses offering support about childrearing and birthing then that's awesome, but if not, that's just fine too. There's plenty for Catholic moms to be focusing on.
I just wanted something a lot more broad.
Thanks, though.
Beautifully caught up.
I love your thoughts on NFP...and life in general!
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