Again....no title because blogger won't allow it. Nice.
So, I am getting in the car in 20 minutes. I am driving to Seattle. The driving alone will kill 5.5 hours roughly. 5.5 hours where I don't have to bend over, pick anyone or anything up, and I can cry all I want. I can can just sit there, drive and cry while my children zone out on Milo and Otis.
I contracted ALL day yesterday, convinced that we'd be making our "child care phone calls" by mid-evening. Uh, no. Nope. Didn't happen. Then I went to bed. Then I woke up. Still pregnant. Still uncomfortable as hell, with a foot permanently lodged underneath my right ribcage. Still on the verge of tears. Redemptive suffering for me, personally? Totally okay. Important now and then, really. Self denial. Growth. Redemptive suffering for my three children and poor husband who never signed up to ride this ridiculous roller coaster? Redemptive suffering for a 17 month old whose Mommy can't really even play with him except from a chair because she's so uncomfortable? Not fair. Not at all. Nothing THEY signed up for.
So, I changed my appointment. I knew I might need to buy myself more time. I was supposed to have a doctor appointment this morning. I moved it to Thursday. After I see my midwife (who is really more like an allopathically trained physician who routinely practices medical inductions and who has induced me twice now) I will likely be induced on Thursday. I will likely feel like a failure, like something is just wrong with my body that I cannot seem to just cook a healthy child in a decent amount of time and then spit them out on my own. I will likely feel like I don't want to tell anyone how I feel. I will feel disappointed. I will wonder if this is all part of my own personal torment and suffering. I might also feel so relieved to be done with all of this. So relieved to have some mobility, a reprieve from daily tears, joy, frustration, exhaustion and irritation, from self-pity, and feelings of just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. The novelty has officially worn off. I have prayed rosaries. I have walked. I have prayed. I have walked. I have asked two different prayer groups I am in to pray. I have stayed busy and active. I have tried natural induction methods. I have tried to "just relax". I have tried to distract. I have really tried to maintain a really positive outlook and complained as minimally as I could (with everyone except Steve, of course. Sorry, Love.) asking for grace MULTIPLE times throughout the day.
Sometimes, it's okay to just lay it on the table. Right?
I can't do it anymore.
6 comments:
Honey, you CAN do it! You ARE doing it! It might not be easy, it might make you cry in misery, but you are getting through moment by moment by the grace of God. And His grace is always enough!
You do what YOU need to do. I'm glad you bought yourself a little more time by moving your appointment. But if, come Thursday, you still haven't delivered, maybe as an alternative to induction you can request a non-stress test and/or biophysical profile (neither of which require anything more invasive than an ultrasound) in which your doctor can monitor the well being of your baby. Was your due date an absolute certainty? If not, you may not even BE overdue yet (although I'm sure that regardless, it feels that way to you!)
It's okay, and perfectly normal, to feel as you do at the end of a pregnancy. You're quite right...it IS rather like a ridiculous roller coaster! Just keep in mind the prize at the end, and pretty soon, this will all have been SO worth it.
And no matter what happens, please don't feel like you are a failure. You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful family. And you are, at this very moment, an active participant in one of the most marvelous and wondrous gifts God has every granted us...you are giving LIFE to another brand new child! No matter how he or she ultimately makes an intrance into this world, you have done your job and done it well.
You are amazing, friend. I love you. I pray for your peace and comfort, and for a safe delivery of a healthy baby.
Dear One,
I love you. I am praying for you. And I understand every word you wrote.
I agree with what Melissa said. It is possible your due date is off but it is also possible that baby is just running late. My first, Jacob, was a week late. A dear friend of mine just had her fifth. She was running over and finally decided to be induced on her mother's birthday. We just don't know why these things happen the way they happen. Maybe some reason we don't or never will know. But no matter how hard it is, God's timing is perfect. Besides, I think He is making you wait so that baby will be born our ninth wedding anniversary, July 11th. It's a great date! and easy to remember - 7/11!
You complain all you want. It is hard. It is miserable. It is hot and it is summer. You are not completely responsible for all your feelings and emotions at this point. Just remember how much havoc hormones can create in our bodies. It WILL be over soon. You WILL forget and remember this unique story for this unique preganancy and this unique child.
I also understand the failure part. With Michael's birth a few months ago, I felt like a failure. I did not have the kinds of birthing hopes you have, but I was set for my typical normal quick in and out run of the mill delivery with the possibility of an induction. I was induced, but baby was just not coming. If you remember he was coming out mouth first. A c-section REALLY was necessary! But I cried and cried and cried and cried once we finally knew it was inevitable. I had not planned on this. It was somehow my fault - yeah right. At some point I gathered my wits and it all happened so quickly. And then he was here and everything was wonderful. God threw a curve into my plans. For me I think it was to see how I handle that change of plans - I normally don't do well with changes in plans and normalcy. How would I handle it? With his grace? I hope. I do not feel like a failure now. I feel like I accepted what was given me (at some point) and did my best to persevere under less than ideal circumstances. I have peace about it now and life goes on.
Yep, life goes on. Nicole has been sick since Friday and is still pretty sick. Today that is my circumstance that I would rather not be dealing with.
Grace and peace to you dear one. And, yes, sometimes you need to lay it on the table. Lay down your heart and tell it like it is. We all understand. We all want to offer you prayers and comfort.
Much love! And remember 7/11!
Celeste and Melissa-
Thank you so much, dear friends. I love you both dearly and know that you speak from experience and from faith--both of which are so valuable to me. When I read what you both write, it feels like a warm comforting hug. Gentleness and sympathy.
Celeste--7/11. Got it. ;) Easy enough to remember. And, interestingly enough? Also my BIRTHDAY. :)
Oh, yeah! Two, maybe three, wonderful reasons to celebrate that day!!!!!!!!!
7-11 it is Baby Prentice!
I can't add much more wisdom than the other ladies have given you. But, I am offering you prayers, thoughts, and hugs (you'll have to imagine that one).
Lots of love!
Bless you Nicole! We will be praying for you too! I know for me that sometimes the hardest part to deal with in these birthing situations is our inability to control things the way that we would like. When my first was delivered by c section, I remember some of the same feelings of guilt and disappointment.
But the good news is that while it feels huge now while in the moment, I quickly forgot it all after having a beautiful little one in my arms. Bottom line is don't feel bad about doing what you need to do for you and baby. You are a great mom! And your 17 month old won't ever remember you having to sit on a chair for a couple of weeks to play - he will remember a new sibling that you have given him for a lifetime! Praying for you!
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