Today was exhausting, without glory or gratification. It was an everything-seems-to-be-going-wrong kind of day. Nothing measurable or tangible. Little things, really.
Regardless, I found myself sitting out on our front lawn, at 5pm, crying. Just crying. Life just felt like too much. My sweet Paxton and Ella were oblivious to my crying as they happily played in the grass. Or so I thought. Ella came up to me and, as I tried quickly to wipe my tears said, "Mommy? Why do you have raindrops on your face?" I didn't answer. Out came more tears. Paxton said, " Oh Mommy, don't cry, we won't run away." Oh, the sweetness and innocence.
Shepherd is at a very difficult age for me right now. An age that I remember strongly disliking with both Paxton and Ella. An age where one must repeat "no" --repeat everything in fact, multiple times. An age where there is a communication breakdown, an utter disregard and misunderstanding of authority. An age where the idea of sharing is as foreign as multiplication or taxes.
So, I just cried.
And then? Then I found myself on a long drive after Steve got home from work. A long, quiet drive. For two hours. I decided that I was hungry. I bought some california rolls and headed to a place where I knew it would be quiet, no one would bother me or ask me questions or directions. A place where no one would speak. The cemetary. It was beautiful. And quiet.
After enjoying my solitude and self-pity it was time to go. I did not realize it was time to go until I had this thought after looking around at all the headstones: "Oh *sigh*, they all have it SO easy."
Yeah, time to go.
I called my mom to get some comic relief and tell her my pitiful thought. Her reply was eloquent, beautiful, understanding,and gentle. It went something like this:
"Oh, Honey! Get the hell out of the cemetary!"
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5 comments:
Okay, I completely agree with your mom! ;)
But seriously: I know firsthand how overwhelming it all can seem sometimes. There are days when I just cry and cry, too, and I don't have the excuse of pregnancy hormones or the reality of another baby to be added to the mix in the very near future! I'm glad you afforded yourself the luxury of a few tears, and some solitude. Sometimes that's exactly what we need to pull ourselves togther and get it all in perspective.
I know that YOU know how very blessed you are to be Mommy to those beautiful souls. But sometimes, for me, the beauty of this vocation is lost among the messes and frustrations of the relentless, day to day details. It's hard to see the big picture, to see what amazing people my children are already becoming. Last night I was actually re-reading a private journal entry I wrote one year ago and I was ASTONISHED to realize how much my kids have grown and matured in the last year!
Shepherd is at the exact same age as Meghan right now, an age that is, as you say, often very difficult. When I start to feel discouraged, I try to remember that "This, too, shall pass". And then I'm crying a brand new wave of tears because it hits me that all too soon, it will...and I'll be left with only memories of these fleeting childhood days.
Much love to you, friend, and a thousand virtual hugs! If I could be there with you today, I'd do it in an instant! I'm praying right now for your peace and comfort, and for a wonderful day with your precious blessings.
Thank you, Melissa. You are a true friend, selfless and generous with your words and your care. You lifted me up.
Ah, nicole. You are a trooper. Hugs to you and your kiddos. Isn't it sweet how they respond to our tears. So precious!
i love your friends comments and
'stay the hell out of the cemetary!' I love you
Melissa said so much I would say to you. I know we have shared sentiments recently on the difficulties of our #3s. Andrew, too, is my most difficult child right now and then throw him into the mix of the interment troubles of the others, and I want to scream! Sometimes I do. I know the need for solitude and a shoulder to cry on. I am so thankful for you and Melissa and my friends nearby Michele and Robin. We spend lots of time sharing our troubles and we always all feel better. Someimtes we need that time alone to recuperate and refresh and it's ok to ask for it. It sounds like your husband is a great guy and I know he understands that need. I have found lately that if I ignore the awful 2 year old behavior and refuse to succumb to its grips, I am better off. Andrew must scream about everything lately - even simple requests. It is so difficult, but I will not let him get me riled up. I am trying so hard to teach him to use a normal voice and to do that I must have one myself. It will be ok, sister. Life is wonderful and before we know it, this phase too shall pass.
God bless you!
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