I could tell how many people were praying for me this weekend. I thank you and them. It was completely evident that I was not alone.
The retreat was amazing, just the right balance of structured time and "homework" and time to just be. Time to just reflect and pray and let the Holy Spirit use me, breath for me, speak to me. It's amazing the calmness and peace you can feel when you take away external distractions. It's amazing where you see God. Where you feel His majesty and undying love. I am not worthy.
I also realized just how much women need other women, specifically mothers. We are so hard on ourselves. We doubt ourselves. We can isolate ourselves and punish ourselves. We can live in fear and torment. We can get so fixated on what others might think of our motherhood that we forget that it's God whom we are doing this for. It is He who will strengthen us, comfort us.
John 15:11
I have spoken these things to you so that my joy might be in you and your joy might be complete.
Labor has been on my mind a lot latey. (With just over 5 weeks to go, how could it not?!) I decided about four months ago that I was going to offer my pain to God, as redemptive suffering. There are a few people in my life who live with pain all the time. They suffer a cross that is heavier than I would want to bear. Having had three inductions, and three epidurals, I have yet to endure the entirety of labor pain. I want it to be different this time. I want to trust God's timing. He has a birthday for this baby. He has a plan. Three times in a row now I haven't been willing and/or able to stick it out and trust His plan in the timing or in the ability to survive the pain.
II Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self control.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
His peace is much different than the peace given by worldly things. We may not be able to overcome the fear of birth, but God is perfect and it is His perfect love that can cast out fear for us. We have to let Him take it from us when we are unable. Fear is from Satan who wants to torment us. (Christ Centered Childbirth).
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear because fear has to do with torment.
I am reading "Christ Centered Childbirth" and "The Bradley Method". I have been laughed at and questioned. "What's the big deal?", "You're crazy", "Why would you do that to yourself?" have all been comments I have received. I do not feel judged. I feel sad for these women. I feel how much they are not understanding my purpose. I do not believe pain relief medications are inherently evil. I have three beautiful children to prove that. I do not believe that people who seek relief are weak. I do not believe that it makes you "less of a woman or mother" if you get an epidural. I do not believe that it means you are lacking in faith.
I do believe that I, personally, can offer this pain up and pull Christ into it with me. I do believe that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and what a better opportunity for me to prove to God just how much I love and trust Him. I do believe that I can use this as a prayer of supplication for me, for my family, for my children, for those I love who have to endure pain on a regular basis. And even, dare I say, a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude for a body that allows me to bring forth life. That allows me to carry a baby. Because there are so many women who cry themselves to sleep at night because they can't.
Because of original sin, childbirth is supposed to be painful. Because of Jesus' love we are supposed to seek His grace and comfort.
5 comments:
Glad you are back and so filled.
This post really hit home for me as I have had epidurals with my previous births as well and told Paul I really wanted to try it 'natural' this time. But, I know I haven't given it enough serious thought. This has awakened a need in me to pray, pray, pray...and prepare.
I am going to revisit this post again this evening and ponder some more.
Thank you so much for this beautiful post. I especially appreciate the reminder that "it's God whom we are doing this for".
And I really admire your desire for natural childbirth. You CAN do it! How beautiful the entire experience will be with your focus on Christ, offering every pain as a prayer. What a loving and generous attitude!
My thoughts and prayers turn often to you during these last weeks of your pregnancy. Peace be with you, friend!
Having had 2 epidurals, 2 natural, and then a very disappointingly managed labor with an epidural again, I can honestly say that the short-term benefit of little to no pain is nice, but the medical side effects are not-so. After my 3rd child was born, I was literally dancing in my hospital room a few hours after giving birth. With all my epidurals, I was bed-bound for a very long time because it just took that long to wear off. In addition, my legs retain water and I spent the next week looking fatter than I did before I had the baby.
I'm actually seriously considering a home-birth for the first time, simply because I don't want the medical interference that was forced upon me the last time. You can do it! What helped me so much with my two natural labors: doting and experienced L&D nurses and midwives who never left my side during active labor and who offered physical comfort through heating pads and cool wet wash cloths to the forehead.
I've tried to offer up the pain, but my problem always becomes exhaution (laboring at night after caring for little children all day long). As the time gets closer, try to rest as much as possible so you can be strong.
You go girl. I know that you can do it. I think there is something about going naturally that prepares you for the next month or two after child birth (I sound crazy...) Intense experiences are perfect opportunities for spiritual development. I always had a midwife and a student midwife by my side (along with my husband, sister and mother) and everybody knew my goals and shared them with me.
I never could explain why I wanted to go naturally, it was just a desire within me. With the rational you have and the heart you have, you are good to go.
Brave of you to state your intentions! I miss you.
Your mama doesn't want you to be in pain. I will, of course, support you anyway I can. I admire your passion and willingness to live your life for God. He will strengthen you. Love you.
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