Another peanut.

We had our first ultrasound today. We got to see proof of life. Proof that there is in fact a beautiful and wonderful, perfectly made human being growing, wiggling, and living inside my body. Perfectly and wondrously made. God is amazing. The baby's tiny heart beat in perfect rhythm, strong and sure. While some technologies have enabled some pretty ghastly things to take place in our society, this is one time I am confident in saying that technology can be a beautiful thing. Steve and I watched, and watched, and watched.

You would think that this being our fourth child it would get old, blase´. No. Not in the least. It was just as amazing and beautiful this time. Maybe even more so. We didn't have to "try" with this baby like we did with our other three children. This baby was the best surprise gift we have ever received. Maybe that's what makes it feel even more like a gift from God. Do we ask for gifts? Do we "try" for gifts? Oh, goodness, how all of our children are gifts! But, I must say, it feels even MORE like a gift when it's just given to you. Just given. Thank you, God. We accept. Thankfully, willingly, lovingly, obediently, excitedly. Thank You for trusting us. We'll try to make You proud.

Immediately after our appointment with the midwife was over, Steve had to leave to catch a plane for San Jose. He'll be gone for another three+ days and the kids and I will be holding down the fort. I kissed him goodbye and watched him walk out the door of the clinic room in which I had my exam. For some reason I could not stop thinking about the pro-choice jargon, "It's my body!" I could not stop thinking about just how wrong they are. Don't they know? This tiny little person is anything but "my body". He or she has her own legs, his or her own arms, own heartbeat. That is no more my heart or my belly-button than Paxton's or Ella's or Shepherd's. There are two of us here. Two. That's not a choice. That is a person. Individual, amazing, and with it's own DNA.

I kept thinking about my husband. About how he never ceases to amaze me. About how lucky I am that he was as excited about adding another member into our beautiful family as I was. I kept thinking about all those fathers who have to hear, "It's my body. My choice." All of those fathers who are robbed of the ability to question, to have an "opinion" about a gift given them and then rejected by someone else. About a third person in the equation, their own child, who will never get to "matter". I am lucky. Oh, how lucky I am. My husband is a father. In every sense of the word. Beautiful leader, generous, patient, kind, thoughtful, and God loving. He trusts. I learn from him. I learn to relax. I learn to trust. I learn that I might not be and he might not be everything WE want to be, but we will always be who God wants us to be, as long as we trust and follow.

And in the end, who I want to be, who Steve wants to be, is the same as who God wants us to be. For right now, that's parents of four beautiful gifts.