Thanks and no thanks.

First, thank you so much for your prayers. I have felt them. I seem to be having an easier time remembering that the sun will come out tomorrow than I did a few days ago. It's a funny thing that my dad always said while I was growing up, but the phrase usually brings me some peace. I wasn't feeling it on my own though. So, thanks. Good friends can do good things for us.

My brother seems to be walling up a bit. I expected it but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I hate that I can't fix this situation for him. He is heartbroken, feeling guilty and devastated. The woman he hit is still in ICU with many injuries. She is recovering but her life will never be the same. I hate that my law abiding, incredibly studious, perfectionistic and goal oriented 21 year old brother is going to have to live with that. I hate that for him. I know that God will use it but I wish I could help in some way. He fell asleep. It was an accident. That doesn't take any of the pain away though.

I had my Elizabeth group meeting this Saturday morning and I felt myself walling up. I hate being the one that is always crying about this or that, that is falling apart. I refused to give into it and I guess I didn't do such a good job of hiding it. I felt alone and very sad. I felt like I, being one of only two extroverts in a room full of 7 introverts, was required to "do the work" and I just didn't want to this time. I just didn't. I wanted to be able to be a disastrous puddle on the floor and let others support me. But, I didn't trust that they would and so I withheld. I know that so many people rely on me to be positive, speak with energy and enthusiasm, and to lead. I couldn't do that but also couldn't verbalize why. My withholding only ended up hurting more. I had a headache. I came home and quickly realized that I cannot do this alone.

It isn't just my brother's situation that is weighing so heavily on me. My stepfather, whom I have grown to love and respect so much, and who is the oldest of seven children, is dealing with the pain and fear of his wife's disease, the pain of the loss of his father, a pretty serious injury he just sustained while hunting, and now received news that his mother has skin cancer.  My mother, whom I keep growing only closer and closer to since my tumultuous childhood and teenage years, has a disease that progresses despite the fact that I am not ready for it. My brother, whom I love and care deeply for, accidentally injured a woman so badly that she will never be the same. She may not walk well for months or even years. My husband, who I love so much, works day and night trying to juggle being a software engineer, a general contractor, a father, a private IT business owner, and the husband of a wife who seems to be falling apart a bit, trying to do too much and be too much for everyone else. 

The school auction, which I am co-chairing this year, is on Saturday. I will be up at the school every night, from 5-9pm. I have roped my 18 year old brother and the next door neighbor girl into helping our family out. A tank full of gas is usually all it takes to get my little brother over here. The neighbor girl is going to require some cold hard cash I think. But, I am enlisting help so that I don't get more overwhelmed than I already am. So that I can spend some time building sandcastles, bundling grasses, hanging gossamer, setting tables, and painting adirondack chairs while not having to worry that the kids aren't able to have fun. Babysitters are always super fun! Steve can even come and hang out with me! They'll be working date nights!

This year, after building a house, moving into and out of a T...I...N...Y rental, having a baby, organizing a slideshow for a banquet dinner, co-chairing the auction, putting the class project and quilt together, oh.. and trying to raise four kids and be a full time wife and mother, I am ready for a break. I have been telling everyone that I am taking November off. No commitments. Seriously. I mean it. Even though the calendar for November is already full, I am not commiting to anything. Those are all other people's commitments. You know, the five other people that I live with. Because me? I'm not commiting. No thanks. Not this month.

I have to stop and take a breather. Before even lactating starts to feel like too much work.