Pete and Repeat.

Same duck costume. Five years and four children later. It's a beautiful thing.

A few reasons to smile today.

Auction update.

We are ahead of schedule! Yes! That's right, AHEAD. The auction has been my focus since about noon yesterday and will be until about noon on Saturday. 

Now I think I'll switch gears for  36 hours or so and focus on my children's Halloween and then All Saints Day. Mass will be in the school gym for that HDO. I hope the parishoners won't be too distracted by all the twinkle lights, black gossamer, sand, bridges, boardwalks, and silhouettes and class projects all over. 

I am practicing not falling apart. One. day. at. a. time.

 

Thanks and no thanks.

First, thank you so much for your prayers. I have felt them. I seem to be having an easier time remembering that the sun will come out tomorrow than I did a few days ago. It's a funny thing that my dad always said while I was growing up, but the phrase usually brings me some peace. I wasn't feeling it on my own though. So, thanks. Good friends can do good things for us.

My brother seems to be walling up a bit. I expected it but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I hate that I can't fix this situation for him. He is heartbroken, feeling guilty and devastated. The woman he hit is still in ICU with many injuries. She is recovering but her life will never be the same. I hate that my law abiding, incredibly studious, perfectionistic and goal oriented 21 year old brother is going to have to live with that. I hate that for him. I know that God will use it but I wish I could help in some way. He fell asleep. It was an accident. That doesn't take any of the pain away though.

I had my Elizabeth group meeting this Saturday morning and I felt myself walling up. I hate being the one that is always crying about this or that, that is falling apart. I refused to give into it and I guess I didn't do such a good job of hiding it. I felt alone and very sad. I felt like I, being one of only two extroverts in a room full of 7 introverts, was required to "do the work" and I just didn't want to this time. I just didn't. I wanted to be able to be a disastrous puddle on the floor and let others support me. But, I didn't trust that they would and so I withheld. I know that so many people rely on me to be positive, speak with energy and enthusiasm, and to lead. I couldn't do that but also couldn't verbalize why. My withholding only ended up hurting more. I had a headache. I came home and quickly realized that I cannot do this alone.

It isn't just my brother's situation that is weighing so heavily on me. My stepfather, whom I have grown to love and respect so much, and who is the oldest of seven children, is dealing with the pain and fear of his wife's disease, the pain of the loss of his father, a pretty serious injury he just sustained while hunting, and now received news that his mother has skin cancer.  My mother, whom I keep growing only closer and closer to since my tumultuous childhood and teenage years, has a disease that progresses despite the fact that I am not ready for it. My brother, whom I love and care deeply for, accidentally injured a woman so badly that she will never be the same. She may not walk well for months or even years. My husband, who I love so much, works day and night trying to juggle being a software engineer, a general contractor, a father, a private IT business owner, and the husband of a wife who seems to be falling apart a bit, trying to do too much and be too much for everyone else. 

The school auction, which I am co-chairing this year, is on Saturday. I will be up at the school every night, from 5-9pm. I have roped my 18 year old brother and the next door neighbor girl into helping our family out. A tank full of gas is usually all it takes to get my little brother over here. The neighbor girl is going to require some cold hard cash I think. But, I am enlisting help so that I don't get more overwhelmed than I already am. So that I can spend some time building sandcastles, bundling grasses, hanging gossamer, setting tables, and painting adirondack chairs while not having to worry that the kids aren't able to have fun. Babysitters are always super fun! Steve can even come and hang out with me! They'll be working date nights!

This year, after building a house, moving into and out of a T...I...N...Y rental, having a baby, organizing a slideshow for a banquet dinner, co-chairing the auction, putting the class project and quilt together, oh.. and trying to raise four kids and be a full time wife and mother, I am ready for a break. I have been telling everyone that I am taking November off. No commitments. Seriously. I mean it. Even though the calendar for November is already full, I am not commiting to anything. Those are all other people's commitments. You know, the five other people that I live with. Because me? I'm not commiting. No thanks. Not this month.

I have to stop and take a breather. Before even lactating starts to feel like too much work.

Prayer request.

I know you haven't heard from me in a good while. I am so sorry for that. Suffice it to say, A LOT has been happening. About which I will fill you in later. 

For now, could you please pray? Please pray for my brother, who was in a serious head-on collision yesterday after we had all left from a family funeral. He is fine. But for the Grace of God, he is fine. Devastated, terrified and fine. The couple he hit is not fine. He fell asleep at the wheel and veered into the oncoming lane, hitting another car's passenger side. The woman occupying the seat in in critical condition. Her name is Chris. Please add Chris, her husband Allen and my brother, Garrett, to your prayers. Please.

God hears us. The more of us there are the easier it is to hear.

Thank you, my beautiful prayer warriors. 

Banquet success.

What a wonderful evening and what a wonderful treat to be able to meet and listen to this, rather young (25) man from College Station, Texas, speak about LIFE. It was an honor and even more wonderful to know that I had already met him when I went to College Station, a little over two years ago, at St. Thomas Aquinas, as we gathered and celebrated my cousin's baby's baptism. (Neither he nor I had any memory of our meeting. I even met his wife and their "Irish Twins". She is a Regnum Christi leader along with my aunt there.)

Sometimes it's a small, small world. I had been wanting to make another visit down because it was just so wonderful, but now I think I'd like to go again because I have another friend who feels as convicted about saving mothers and babies as I do. I am pretty sure that we made enough last night to obtain and operate that ultrasound we've been desperately wanting. Heartbeat International claims that 75-80% of women who have an ultrasound in the first trimester end up choosing life. I like those odds.

 A couple quotes from the slideshow Steve and I put together. I even snuck in a G. K. Chesterton  quote! 

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

-Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor.

"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." 

-G.K. Chesterton

 

Efficiency.

That is me, Ella, Paxton and baby Roan going to the dentist this morning. We all had staggered appointments. The kids had one room and each helped take x-rays of the other with Miss Carrie (the best pediatric (and adult) dentist in the ENTIRE WORLD.) The kids laughed, colored, x-rayed, polished, rinsed and sang songs from "The Little Mermaid". 

Next door, I lay there with baby Roan propped on my lap as I had my own exam and cleaning. He sang his own song, smiled, cooed and laughed through his mommy whining about flossing. I really despise flossing. Really. Natural childbirth? endurable. Flossing? Not so much.

It was a great morning and we were back in time for Paxton and Ella to go out to lunch with Daddy because they were just. that. good. 

I have a school board meeting (and CCD for Paxton) tonight, Crossroads Fund Raising Banquet tomorrow night, (Steve and I are putting the slide show together. With what time? I'm not sure.) and the school auction preparations are well under way. November 3rd? Yeah...it's a long way off, right? No stress. No stress at all. Hey, at least this year I was smart enough to CO-chair it. I feel a November/December hiatus in my future. 

Blessedly busy and blessedly EFFICIENT.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the great kids you did. I am so grateful. What child starts to cry when you have to leave the dentist? Thank you, Lord, for Miss Carrie.

Best contraction ever.

Ella has come up with the best contraction ever. It goes something like this:

Mommy: Ella, you're so tired. You need to go take a rest.

Ella: Why?!

Mommy:  Ella, you are exhausted! You didn't sleep well and you're having a hard time making good choices and behaving.

Ella: No I amn't!

Is it poetic...

that the first room to be completed (with drywall) was the nursery?

or...

that the song that came on first this morning when I put iTunes on "shuffle" was "I'll be Home for Christmas"?

or...

that when the NFP trainer will be here in less than an hour ALL of my children will be sound asleep?

or...

that the five-panel door style that I was afraid to tell Steve that I liked the most is actually the CHEAPEST one?

or.... that my sweet baby, you know, that now 12 week old? He hasn't rolled over once since he did it for Grandma that one night.  Almost as if he's saying, "Mom, don't worry, I won't grow up on your watch."

Now that's poetic.

How can you tell when you are DESPERATELY in need of groceries??

Your husband sees you exhausted, preparing to be gone again tonight to take a child to CCD and says, " Honey, I'll make dinner." You think to yourself that this sounds so nice.

You all end up eating mashed potatoes and turkey bacon. Because really? That's all he could have cooked anyway.

 The grocery store and I MUST see each other tomorrow.

 

While we were gone....

...my sweet 11 week old baby rolled over. At Grandma's house. WITHOUT me around! Bittersweet. Oh, so bittersweet.

Steve and I have been trying to go on "dates" on Saturday nights for a couple hours. We always take Roan, of course, since he's rather attached at times. Quite literally.

We had been invited to an auction. It would last about five hours. I had been pumping a little extra milk and had about 14 ounces. I, of course, have no idea how much Roan eats in the evenings but know that he turns into little "cluster feeder" at the end of the evening, eating almost every hour--from about 6-10pm then promptly falls fast asleep until at least 7 the next morning.

I left all that milk with Grandma, gave her the general outline of his schedule and left my happy, social baby to play with his Grandma for 5 hours. In the back of the van, Steve had packed my "Pump in Style"/two cups and hoses attached to a massive suction structure, thereby making me feel much like a dairy cow. I joke, but that little baby has been such a gift from God. We are going on almost four years and going strong! It took us going through two cheap pumps to finally get a clue that we needed to just spend the money and buy something of quality that would really last.

I digress.

We left. We had a great time. We got back to Grandma's at almost 10:30. Roan was asleep and almost ALL that milk was gone. I had NO idea he ate that much in the evenings! He was sleeping so contently and Grandma really seemed to enjoy her time with just him. Usually, if she watches them she has the older three and Roan goes with Mom. 

As we were walking in the door to pick him up:

Grandma: He was great. 

Us: Oh, good. He's sweet isn't he?

Grandma: Yeah, we even got to see him roll over.

Us: WHAT?!

Grandma: Yeah, I didn't know if that was something he had done already but he was playing on the floor and just rolled over.

Me: That's why I felt so good about not having my kids in daycare!  So I wouldn't miss those things! 

We laugh together.

I am so glad that if Roan was going to roll over on someone else's watch that it was Grandma's watch. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. 

I just have to remember that when I think he might be close to crawling I need to stay home.

For good.

He finally said it!!

"Mama". My son finally called me "mama". I pulled up, and he said, " Hi Mama!"

Now he's been calling me Mom. I guess formality is no longer necessary around here.

A fix you want, a fix you'll get.

Here it is. Proof that our lives are changing faster than the speed of sound. 

How do you know your children attend a Christ centered school?

Your child comes home with a guardian angel pinned on the shoulder of their uniform shirt. And that prayer to their Guardian Angel that you pray with them before they leave for school in the morning? They say that at school too. Because it's the Feast of Guardian Angels today, that's why.

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to who God's love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light, to guard, to rule, to guide. Amen.

And Thursday? For the feast of St. Francis of Assisi? The priest will have a  "blessing of the animals"--all the students' pets from home. ( All of us parents will be taking care of the transport to and fro, of course). Is that awesome, or what? Seriously.

You're not even going to believe what they have planned for All Saints Day!

Clarification.

Steve was the only one out at the house last night until 2am. He brought the kids home and met me here at 7ish. They went to bed. I went to bed. Steve went back to work.

What? Did you think for a second that we were Crazy? Our kids are in bed by 7:30. The end.

How is it possible?

My husband the most amazing "geek" I have ever known. A handsome, charming, funny, articulate, emotionally available, incredibly handy, left-brained geek. 

While I was gone all day Steve installed the central vac, the coax, speaker wire, and fiber throughout the entire house yesterday and last night, with four kids running around no less. He got home at 2 am. I didn't even hear him come in. 

Thank you, love. You continue to amaze me. I am so sorry that we seem to be two ships passing in the night right now. Saturday nights are officially "date nights". Even if we just sip camomile tea on the front porch for two hours while a babysitter plays with the kids in the house. We're making each other a priority.

We are making the possible a reality. The end.

Good Foundations.

Many of you know that I am actually in two different scripture study women's groups. One I started in my own town that we are calling an Elizabeth Group, and a less formal one in a neighboring town. I am sure, not long from now, I will have to limit myself to only attending the one here, in my own town. But, I have grown so close to all of the women, sharing very intimate prayer requests and details about my life that I can't imagine severing that close connection. My current life is proof that all those prayerful friends are powerful. So, I'll keep up with the two different bible studies/Catholic life book clubs two Saturday mornings a month for now. We'll just revisit that one later. For now, I need the time for just me, to improve Nicole.

It was my job to pick the next book for one of the groups and bulk order it. Ten books arrived yesterday. Ten amazing books that are going to knock all of our socks off. Michaelann Martin's Women of Grace. It's a bible study for married women. In the preface she speaks of many stay- at-home moms becoming isolated and lonely.

Michaelann writes, "They fall prey to watching daytime television as their only source of education and affirmation. Games shows tend to trivialize life, soap operas fill us with romantic notions that breed dissatisfactions with our so called "hum-drum" lives, and talk shows give a false sense of success when we view ourselves in light of all the train wrecks in others' lives. All of them give a disproportionate view of life, without even coming close to addressing the real reason that we are all here in the first place: to know, love, and serve God in this life in order to be with Him in the next."

We turned off cable in our house almost three years ago. We still have a television to watch movies, but no direct t.v. It has benefited the kids, I believe, but mostly it has benefited me. I am the one who got addicted to watching others lives instead of living my own. In Psychology classes they'll refer to what Michaelann is talking about as using "downward counterfactuals." That means looking at others' train wrecks and believing that you're "doing pretty well". "See? I could be that lady!"

That doesn't help anyone. Ever. We never grow when we always compare ourselves to what or who is "worse". We are supposed to be looking up, looking at what's better, emulating those whom we see as doing better--having true happiness.  "I may be a drunk, but at least I'm not on the streets." "I may babysit my kids with the t.v. all day, but at least I'm not swearing at them." " I may scream at my kids all the time but at least I don't beat them." " I may never exercise, but at least I don't smoke." Okay, you're getting the point.

So, back to this book...It's going to be phenomenal. Mrs. Martin recommends reading Galatians 5:22-25 and Catechism, no. 1832, before beginning. After reading them, now I am so anxious to get started!

In other news, my beautiful husband has been out of town for four days now. Four LONG days. It doesn't just feel like it should be Saturday already, it feels like it should be NOVEMBER already. I miss him SO much. The early mornings and evenings are the hardest times for me. For obvious reasons. I am used to operating solo all day but having nobody around in the evenings makes the sprint at the end of the marathon particularly grueling. Come home soon, Love. We all miss Daddy. Just two more days to go.

 

On second thought....

Finally, I have the time. The time to reflect, write, breathe. The time to give back.

Our lives have been busy. Like all of you, our lives are busy. I don't mean to use that as an excuse, rather I mean to use it as a way to apologize. I feel like I need to apologize for neglecting friends, family, and God. Most importantly, God. I began a Novena 27 days ago--of which I only actually completed about 22 days. Now, I should be on the the "thank you" part of the Novena. I am just so tired at the end of the evening and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

Imagine if God used that excuse. "Nicole, I'm really sorry. I'm just tired. I've been so busy doing other things and helping other people that I just don't have time for you."

Lord, I am sorry. Help me to figure out the best way to do this. Holly Pierlot speaks in her book, A Mother's Rule of Life, about the 5 P's. The 5 P's are; 1) Prayer, 2) Person, 3) Partner, 4) Parent, and 5) Provider. Your life should be prioritized in that way. Mine looks a bit more like this; 1) Provider, 2) Parent, 3) Partner, 4) Prayer, and finally 5)Person.

So, looks like God and myself? We're last. I need help with that. Things are beginning to normalize a bit now that Paxton has started a REGULAR school schedule, all day every day. For the last two weeks it has only been three days a week-with Ella's preschool on alternating days. I didn't know whether we were coming or going. We also started keeping the neighbor boy at our house after school since his parents both work in a neighboring town and don't get home until 4:30ish. We wanted the boy to begin at St. Rose so badly that I offered to pick him up after school to make it easier for them to bite the bullet and send him. He is a beautiful boy and his heart is so big. It wasn't a difficult offer to make. But, it is one more person to be responsible for in this Very. Tiny. Rental.

I am co-chairing the annual school auction this year, set for Nov. 3rd. Steve and I are going to create a slide show for the pro-life resource center's annual fundraiser on Oct. 18th. I commited to make the Kindergarten class project for the auction--which will be a quilt with each child's footprint on it, amongst many other "beachy" items in a sandbox. Have I ever quilted in my life? Uh, no. Here's to the local quilt shop and I developing a VERY good friendship.

When Paxton was an infant I remember being impatient. I wanted him to sit up, then walk, then talk, then run. I couldn't wait for the next phase of his development. I was just so excited to see him grow. Now, I find myself in the quiet of the evening looking at my sweet baby Roan and wishing I could just push the "pause" button. I just want time to stop for one moment. I love his sweetness, his smell, the way he cuddles under my chin. I love the way he needs me in his own unique way and I feel sad that I didn't just stop and enjoy it with all my children. I wish I could rewind and do it all over with each of them. Roan is already almost 3 months old. I cannot believe how quickly life is passing. While I am so busy, doing this and that, going from here to there, life is quickly passing. I don't want to miss my children being young. That is why I stay at home with them. That is why. And, yet, I am still missing it.

I have a gross inability to say "no". People know that about me. I know that about myself. And, short of becoming a recluse and cutting off all contact with people, I don't know how to balance yet. I am learning, I think. Maybe not.

Pride is such a character defect. I don't like to admit that I might not be able to do something, to accomplish something. I don't like to say, "Sure, I'd love the help" when inside, I really would love the help. I have spoken with friends before about motivation and drive being instilled in me at a very early age. Both of my parents had a good work ethic instilled in them and neither of them are very tolerant of themselves if they are feeling or acting "lazy". A good friend of mine said that the word "lazy" just wreaks of judgement. It does. It really does. "Unmotivated" sounds much better. But, no matter what I call it, it's the same to me.  For me, the thought of someone thinking I am lazy makes me cringe. I hate it. And, why? It's sloth. It's gluttonous. It's greed. It's ....ridiculous. If I take a day to play at the park with my kids or take the phone off the hook, I highly doubt anyone is going to be confronting me about my lack of motivation. I do it to myself.

For some, I am sure it's a challenge to keep themselves active and motivated. And that's okay. That's their challenge. That's not mine. My challenge? To stop constantly judging myself against others. To stop obsessing about what I am or am not doing, where I am or am not going, what I will or will not commit to. My judgement of others is really my judgement of myself and my fear of  self worthlessness. My fear that someone might deem me relatively insignificant. Not a contributing member of society. How horrible to admit.

Isn't the very thing that God asks of us contrary to that? Doesn't He ask us to be humble, to go unnoticed and unappreciated, to not seek fame or notoriety? Doesn't He ask us to serve without reward, to give without fail, to sacrifice without acknowledgment? Not to pout? Not to whine? To stop complaining? 

I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about worrying that people might see me as lazy. I have been complaining about missing babies growth. I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about being blessed.

My babies are healthy and growing. What a blessing. My life is busy and filled with friends and family with whom I can laugh and serve. What a blessing. I am a mother and a wife, who is needed every second of the day. What a blessing. I have the ability to say "yes". What a blessing.  I have SO many wonderful things in my life I am forced to worry about "prioritizing". What a blessing.

What was I complaining about again?

Oh! Another tidbit because that's all I have time for.

 The iPhone? Yeah, it totally rocks.

Ditto.

I was going to try to carve out some time today to explain what's been going on in our lives and just how busy we have become over the last two weeks. Then....I read Celeste's blog entry. I don't really think I even need to write anything more. 

Thanks, Celeste. ;)