Epiphanies and thank you's.

To my new supporters and allies, thank you. Melissa and Michelle, you're awesome. Thanks for the support, from one Catholic mom to two others!

My mom had some pretty major surgery and I have been out of town. I nursed Shepherd yesterday morning and then didn't nurse him again until this evening, and that was only because I got online and read your supportive comments. I realize that I have been beating myself up. And for what? I CAN nurse him once a day if I'd like and if it isn't excruciating. I CAN wean him if I feel like it's just too much pain to continue to endure. And I CAN feel confident that he's not going to love me or hate me any more or any less because I did or didn't breastfeed him four months longer. I am so overwhelmingly blessed to have found some amazing support over this crazy connection making machine they call the internet. God continues to amaze me with how much love he has for us and for how happy he wants us to be, connecting us with support all over the place if we choose to reach out for it.

On to my mom... So, my mom had this major surgery yesterday morning and I cannot believe how strong she is. She literally had almost half of a lung removed due to RA and lung disease, and she managed to muster up enough wit and humor today to throw a piece of ice at my brother, jokingly flip him off ( with her index finger no less!) and tell me how pretty I was. How amazing is that? Here is my beautiful mother, in a hospital gown, in the ICU, with more tubes coming out of her than teats on a dairy cow and she manages to find a way to be a light in the room; to put my brother, who is completely freaked out by the smell of hospitals, sterile environments and needles, at ease; to stroke my face and with just a look, let me know that she wasn't going anywhere and that she was going to be around for a long time. I really tried not to let any worry show on my face but I am assuming that just the sheer nature of her being my mother means that she might be able to read more into me than I give her credit for. I wasn't scared that anything was going to happen but I was scared for my mom. Does that make any kind of sense? I guess compassion is the common name for it, but it feels so much more profound than that.

My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship since I was a young girl (for more reasons than I can really get into in one sitting). But I saw my mother in a new way today. I saw her being a strong, graceful woman; letting people take care of her but also letting us know the she will be around to take care of us and our children. I don't really feel like I "need" mothering. I don't really feel like I "need" nurturing from her. I wanted that a long time ago and it wasn't there. But, today, for some reason I kept feeling like now is our time. Now is my time to appreciate my mother for her boisterous laughter, her beautiful dark curly hair and rosy cheeks, her deep wit and charm, her warm hands, her sense of style and humor, her tenacity, the way she can make my children smile and giggle like no other. I love the Noni that she is for my children and I love the mother she has grown to be for me. Faultless? No. The mother than I always wanted growing up? No. The beautiful human being that God created her to be and the perfect mother for me now? Absolutely.

I am going back to be with my mom in another two days and will be gone over the weekend. And if all this traveling insanity keeps up? We're just going to have to cancel school. My children won't have time to learn.

Thanks again, Blogger friends. You're awesome!!