Nerves.

We got back from our trip to California on Sunday night and Steve returned from Alaska Monday morning. We all had a wonderful time, me spending a lot of time with cousins and children that I love, and Steve having some R&R, fishing and doing manly things. It is so nice to have our family back together though. Steve and I both agreed that it's hard to go away from your family to get some rest because even when you're not with THEM, they're with YOU. You just can't get those pesky critters out of your head. I guess that's what makes family so beautiful.

Speaking of family, I am meeting my half-brother and sister tonight. Nervous doesn't quite cut it. Terrified feels more accurate. Yeah, terrified. There is so much unknown there. The circumstances surrounding their births is painful. Their arrival in my life now is strange. The relationship that we might or might not develop is surreal. I don't often call someone and ask for support. Today might be the day that I seize the opportunity to reach out and touch someone. I can't really even put words to it, so I don'r really know how to ask for support. It feels even sillier that I should need "support". For what? Why? What is anyone going to be able to say that will make it easier or more comfortable. Other than, of course, the standard "just remember they will be as scared and nervous as you are". I do know that. I guess I am more frustrated with father. Frustrated that I, or they, even have to be in the situation. We are all casualties, my four living siblings and me.

I will post again later. We are meeting tonight, somewhere neutral and of course, equally uncomfortable for all of us. Currently, one of my little brothers is not speaking to me. There is some perceived injustice committed by me. How in the hell could I have even considered being out of town for his 20th birthday? The audacity. Let alone the fact that I only gave him a card and a phone call singing "happy birthday". I am such an arse. So, needless to say, the discomfort of our little meeting tonight will only be emphasized by the fact that one of my biologically "whole" brothers has me on his short list.