Even more precious..

Tucking the kids into bed tonight....

Me: Paxton, I loved that book. Did you notice that eventhough all the other jaguars were spotted they still wanted to be friends with the one that was all black and looked different than them?

Paxton: Yeah. But, Aw, that's too bad. I wish I could just be black.



Me: Goodnight Ella (kissing her).

Ella: Goodnight, beautiful!



I am sitting here checking out Amazon's deals on Catholic children's books. I just bought the three books by Gortler and Piscitelli; 'Little Acts of Grace' looks awesome! And also the book about homeschooling by Kimberly Hahn, per Melissa's suggestion. Thanks Melissa!!!

Damaged for life : breastfeeding hangups and brain capacities

We are back from our long weekend to go spend some more time with my mom. Thanks for the well wishes! Mom is starting to do a little better, although it seems that it is two steps forward and one back. My stepdad called this morning to tell me that she is starting to complain about the hospital food now. That's a good sign at least. Now she is aware enough to notice the tar that sits before her, that everyone seems to call "lunch". They actually tried feeding her the quintessential hospital food, green jello. Ew. Hopefully she'll be home by Wednesday or Thursday, a full ten days after she went in (and five days longer than she was supposed to have been there).

While we were in Spokane we took the kids to the airshow at Fairchild airforce base. They got to see the THUNDERBIRDS. They were awesome and the kids loved going through the old warplanes. Steve keeps saying that one of his major regrets is that he never served his country. When pressed further, he just said that it was 'the right thing to do' especially with the war happening. If he had said that to me three years ago I might have chuckled and not given it another thought. But for some reason when he said that yesterday, I agreed with him. I found myself wishing that too, wishing that my brothers would serve, and thinking that there is still time. Interesting, huh? How could Steve do that?

Awesome post on Danielle Bean re: breastfeeding. Check it out! With all of this talk about my boobs lately, it's a wonder any of you are still reading this. Thanks for being so awesome and supportive. I am, afterall, just trying to do the best thing for MY baby and also be the best mom possible to all of my children. The end. No more nipple talk.

One last random tidbit. As most of you know, we don't have television in our house. We have a T.V. but we only use it to watch movies. While at my mom's house, the kids got to watch that flickering blue haze once again and THEY LOVED IT. So did Steve and I. So, I think while I soak in self righteousness that I am not poisoning my children's brains and diminishing their brain capacities, I will also feel free to take a two to three day vacation to mom's house anytime I feel that their little minds need poisoning. In other words, anytime I feel that they need to just "check out" so that I can do the same. It was So nice at 7:00 Saturday morning to just turn it on and let it do it's job. It did it's job so well in fact that Paxton is now calling his father 'Steve' and Ella has started yelling 'NO!'. Dear Lord, what have we done? It was just a little Dora and Doogal! The damage is irreparable.

Epiphanies and thank you's.

To my new supporters and allies, thank you. Melissa and Michelle, you're awesome. Thanks for the support, from one Catholic mom to two others!

My mom had some pretty major surgery and I have been out of town. I nursed Shepherd yesterday morning and then didn't nurse him again until this evening, and that was only because I got online and read your supportive comments. I realize that I have been beating myself up. And for what? I CAN nurse him once a day if I'd like and if it isn't excruciating. I CAN wean him if I feel like it's just too much pain to continue to endure. And I CAN feel confident that he's not going to love me or hate me any more or any less because I did or didn't breastfeed him four months longer. I am so overwhelmingly blessed to have found some amazing support over this crazy connection making machine they call the internet. God continues to amaze me with how much love he has for us and for how happy he wants us to be, connecting us with support all over the place if we choose to reach out for it.

On to my mom... So, my mom had this major surgery yesterday morning and I cannot believe how strong she is. She literally had almost half of a lung removed due to RA and lung disease, and she managed to muster up enough wit and humor today to throw a piece of ice at my brother, jokingly flip him off ( with her index finger no less!) and tell me how pretty I was. How amazing is that? Here is my beautiful mother, in a hospital gown, in the ICU, with more tubes coming out of her than teats on a dairy cow and she manages to find a way to be a light in the room; to put my brother, who is completely freaked out by the smell of hospitals, sterile environments and needles, at ease; to stroke my face and with just a look, let me know that she wasn't going anywhere and that she was going to be around for a long time. I really tried not to let any worry show on my face but I am assuming that just the sheer nature of her being my mother means that she might be able to read more into me than I give her credit for. I wasn't scared that anything was going to happen but I was scared for my mom. Does that make any kind of sense? I guess compassion is the common name for it, but it feels so much more profound than that.

My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship since I was a young girl (for more reasons than I can really get into in one sitting). But I saw my mother in a new way today. I saw her being a strong, graceful woman; letting people take care of her but also letting us know the she will be around to take care of us and our children. I don't really feel like I "need" mothering. I don't really feel like I "need" nurturing from her. I wanted that a long time ago and it wasn't there. But, today, for some reason I kept feeling like now is our time. Now is my time to appreciate my mother for her boisterous laughter, her beautiful dark curly hair and rosy cheeks, her deep wit and charm, her warm hands, her sense of style and humor, her tenacity, the way she can make my children smile and giggle like no other. I love the Noni that she is for my children and I love the mother she has grown to be for me. Faultless? No. The mother than I always wanted growing up? No. The beautiful human being that God created her to be and the perfect mother for me now? Absolutely.

I am going back to be with my mom in another two days and will be gone over the weekend. And if all this traveling insanity keeps up? We're just going to have to cancel school. My children won't have time to learn.

Thanks again, Blogger friends. You're awesome!!

perspective...

I just walked into Paxton's room where the kids were playing so nicely and quietly with their trains. I noticed Ella chewing on something. It was a penny. I promptly told her to please spit that out. She, of course, asked why. Here is our converstaion:

Me: Ella, you need to spit that penny out of your mouth right now, please.

Ella: But, why?

Me: Because you could choke on it and that would be very dangerous.

Ella: Why?

Me: Because you could die! Now give it to mom, please!

Ella: But then I could fly up to heaven! Yay!

Me: But you're not old enough to go to heaven yet. You have to wait. We want to have you here with us for a lot longer!

Ella: (now handing me the penny, looking very sad) But when will I be old?

Me: A long time. You have to be really, really, really old.

Paxton: Like you, mom?

The end.

weighing heavily..

A couple things that are weighing heavily on my heart; potentially weaning altogether and vasectomies (Not us!! Don't worry).

I got out the kids' baby books this morning to update them, like I do after every well-baby checkup. So..I think I figured out why it is distressing me so much to let go of nursing Shepherd. I have just been having this horrible feeling in my heart, this feeling that he's just too little still which is a) why I should KEEP nursing and b) why I should STOP nursing-- he's not getting enough! So I looked up the kids' weights and heights at their 6 month checkups. At 6 months, Paxton: 19 pounds 29 inches, Ella: 18lbs 2 oz, 25 1/4 inches. Shepherd: 14lb 14 oz., 25 1/2 inches. Shepherd is over four pounds smaller than Paxton was ( and 3 1/2 inches shorter!) and 3 1/2lbs smaller than Ella! No wonder.

Also I looked up their stats at 12 months. Paxton: 30 lbs ( yeah, you read that right) and 31 inches. Ella: 22 lbs and 29 inches. Either my grimacing in pain has affected my milk supply over the last couple months, or Shepherd is just going to be coasting along on the shrimp boat to short town for the rest of his life.

Second topic; Vasectomy. Okay, so I have been disturbed as of late about how many Catholics seem to think that contracepting and permanent sterilization is OKAY. I am really not trying to sound judgmental, especially since I myself was on birth control at one time. But, I have also made an effort to know where the church stands on marriage, child rearing and sexual purpose since then. I have made an effort to dive head first into this faith and embrace and understand the WHOLE thing, not just the parts that are easy to agree with. Two catholic men that I know have had vascetomies recently. (I won't get into the fact that one of them consulted a priest in a nearby parish who told him to "go ahead" with it! He had to have had a gut feeling it was wrong to feel the need to ask a priest, right?)

So, in the process of learning the "why's" regarding many catholic teachings, I learned the primary purpose for married sex. It is two-fold; unitive and procreative. They have to be allowed and accepted together. We cannot tear them apart, else we suffer pain and emotional turmoil. It's a pandora's box, our society's ability to grow babies in Petri dishes and have one night stands without knowing the other person's name. God made man for woman and woman for man. There is a reason our bodies fit perfectly together, to bring forth life and love. The openness to life is a critical aspect of that sacramental union, so much so that if one spouse is unwilling to be open to life, the marriage will not be blessed by the church. It's THAT big. It's THAT big that we let GOD control the marriage and life that we have and that we pray for HIS will every single day, not that he becomes okay with ours.

Okay, this is getting heavier than I initially intended it to be. Suffice it to say that what bothers me the most is that I deeply love and care about these men and their wives ( who are also catholic by the way) and I don't know what to do. Steve and I have asked the advice of other people about whether or not we should let them know what the church really believes about it. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, we're assuming they don't already know. It is not our place to judge. It IS however, our place to help others in the path of Christ, as I would hope my fellow Christians would do if Steve and I were suffering in sin. Any suggestions? It can be reversed afterall, so it's not like it would be fruitless if we did say something.

Again, only I could start blogging about big babies and close by writing about paths of sin. I am complex, like an onion. Well, maybe more like a light switch, on or off. Yeah, that's probably more like it.

stalking spammers

Okay girls and boys, I turned on "word verification". For all of my loved ones that are terrified of technology, DO NOT BE AFRAID. Just verify the word that comes up by typing it in the window exactly how you see it. Trust me. Nothing will explode. Your computer will not die. No one will get your credit card number and spend thousands of dollars at Best Buy. Just do it.

writing style

Just as an aside, I apologize for my horrible writing style when I am tired. I went back to check and edit my post and realized just how shoddy my writing is when I am a) really distressed or, b) really tired. I think I was "b" this morning. and "a" earlier in the week when I was considering weaning.

Just beautiful.

Well, the dinner was amazing.

I am so grateful for so many things, but mostly that the spirit of the little school that benefited the most from this dinner was felt through and through. We all looked the same in our uniforms. Steve and George served. Jenny and I prepared plates and readied everyone for the next course, the future--to which they could look forward.

The food was wonderful, and most everyone scraped their plates at each course. The lamb turned out so beautifully, which was what I was most concerned about. The converstation flowed. We left them alone and the guys only bothered them to clear plates, refill drinks and bring the next course. They wanted recipes and one wanted to take one of my menus home. All in all? A 5 star dinner. I am so happy and it was SO much fun.

Thank you Steve, George, and Jenny. What an amazing team we are. George LOVED making deigns on the plates with chocolate ganach, raspberry sauce, and chocolate shavings for the desserts, the thing they would likely remember the most. (I think he's sort of a feng shui perfectionist, which boded well for the chef :)

The Limousine driver was wonderful. He only had to spend about three hours in the SHOP because, after he dropped everyone off here, he was following a truck carrying big tree limbs and one fell off. The limo driver swerved, but inevitably ran it over anyway. He said the limo started SMOKING. Hmm.....that could have been a problem. But a friend of a friend helped him out and replaced a part. He was still here right on time last night to take everyone home. I woke up this morning just praying that everyone got all the way home. Can you imagine 8 dressed-up people thumbing it at 11:00 at night on Highway 17? Not the kind of excitement I was hoping for.

Off to shower, Mass, pick up kids from Grandma's, come home and DO DISHES ALL DAY LONG. It's 9:30 and 95 degrees outside. It might be a good day to be inside anyway.

A shout out

I'd just like to give a shout out to Steve, for being such an awesome husband and for being such a good helper. I'd also like to give a very special thank you to Vivian, without whom my children would have had a very rough day sitting in one spot and having to stay there so they wouldn't touch ANYTHING. They came home grinning ear to ear, having had way too much fun at the Aquatic center with Grammy all day and then she even treated them to McDonald's! It doesn't get much better then that.

It is now 8:52. I have made Sicilian Ricotta cake, molten chocolate lava cakes, roasted sweet red pepper base and now I am about to marinate the lamb, make the Hummus and Baba Ghanoush and hand wash the flatware. Table is set. Flowers were picked up. Lawn is mowed and children are sleeping. All is well and my kitchen currently smells DIVINE.

God is so good to us. It was 104+ degrees today. Not a cloud in the sky. Tomorrow is supposed to be 106. Nothing says a taste of the Mediterranean like a hot day, candles, grapes, cheese, good wine and great friends with whom to share it all.

Cheers to you all-- let the fun commence.

bug legs and laundry don't mix.

So I decided that I have been putting it off for too long. I MUST READ Danielle Bean's book full of short stories to 'help you get through the day'. I am just having that kind of life right now.

I think that while I am excited about this dinner, the part I am not exactly acknowledging is the incredible amount of stress it involves trying to get everything done WITHOUT dropping my three children off at daycare. Oh, the things I could get done with a nanny! Steve's parents are taking the kids on Saturday which will be tremendously helpful. My dad's girlfriend, "Grammy", is taking them to the pool tomorrow for a few hours. Again, helpful. I just haven't quite figured out what to do with the baby. Hmm... he's so transportable but so unwilling to entertain himself for seven hours. Really, am I asking that much?

To add a little to the stress, Shepherd has had the worst reaction to vaccinations of all the kids. He has had a fever all day of about 102 and has been really uncomfortable. His legs seem sore and he just seems in a pain funk. Right along with my nipples. That saga continues as well, but the pain has eased a bit with introducing one bottle of formula mid-day. Stay tuned and, in advance, thanks for not judging me to be the worst mom that ever lived.

Oh! So in closing, what's gross? Pulling wet clothes out of the washing machine and out falls the top half of an exoskeleton of a stink bug. What's grosser than gross? Realizing that somewhere, likely in a pocket, is the bottom half, which is about to take a fun ride in the dryer. Eww.

How do you know..

when the fill-in Pediatrician isn't pro-life? When he says, as he's walking out the door, "Well, this age is my favorite baby age (referring to Shepherd's 7 months). It's when they go from being just a parasite to being an actual human being."

Lovely.

Note to self: DO NOT SEE DR. X EVER AGAIN.

Incidentally, Shepherd had SIX shots and has been a trooper. He actually managed to eek out a smile at the nurse when she was finished STABBING HIM OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. The little parasite continues to amaze me.

Just ask nicer.

Ella and Paxton are playing nicely in the front living room and I am nursing Shepherd in the family room. I hear the following and a conversation ensues:

Paxton: Ella, you should go ask mom if we can color!

Ella: Okay! (running to me) Mom, can we just color now?

Mom: No, not right now, honey.

Ella: (running back to Paxton) Paxton, her just said 'no'.

Paxton: You just have to ask NICELY Boo-Boo. You just have to say PLEASE.

Ella: Okay! (running to me again) Mom, can we PLEASE color now?

Mom: No, not right now, honey. But maybe tonight, okay?

Ella: Okay! (running back to Paxton) Paxton! Her just said 'maybe tonight'!

Paxton: Okay.

Nice playing resumes.

considering weaning...

Okay, most everyone is tired of hearing about the continuing nipple saga. Well, now there is more. So, it's been painful to nurse now for almost three months but I have been sucking up like a trooper, gritting my teeth and doing it anyway. Some times of the day are worse than others, like around 3:30 or 4:00 when I have had to nurse and had scabs sucked off four or five times already. Usually by then, there are empty threats of making him a "formula baby" from here on out.

This whole thing makes me so sad. I stopped nursing Paxton before his first birthday because, frankly, to nurse a child of his size for any longer was physically difficult. My God, the child weighed almost 20 pounds at seven months and could practically grab my shirt, wrestle my arm away, lay back, eat, sit up and burp himself afterward. Also, he was my first child, so the willingness to endure that seemed impossible. I am older and wiser now. Then Ella was born and the nursing struggle began like nobody's business. I had no idea nursing could be so PAINFUL. See, Paxton latched on within minutes of being born and loved the breast from that moment on. He never had a problem learning how to eat. His poor little sister was 2 whole pounds lighter and 3 whole inches shorter at birth and just couldn't get it down. We worked, we worked, and then we worked some more. I saw a lactation consultant three times, stripped Ella down, wore nipple Shields, pumped, massaged, expressed, got Mastitis twice, pumped some more and basically didn't leave the house for four months. Then the bomb dropped. I could no longer function and kept wondering why, depite the fact that, at 4 months, Ella had finally gotten this nursing thing down, I felt like absolute, scraping the bottom of the barrel, shit. I felt horrible. Then the hypothyroid diagnosis came, where we figured out that my levels were so high, my thyroid must have stopped working immediately after she was born. After seeing an internist ( who was nice, but highly unsupportive of me continuing to breastfeed) I decided to wean Ella. I cried. She didn't. The poor baby was probably blessed to have a happy mommy again and I guess it didn't diminish her brain capacity. But, damn it, she's allergic to peanuts and I can't help but believe that it's my fault. I could have at least supplemented and not weaned altogether, right?!

So, now comes number three. Mr. Shepherd was smaller than Ella! He was just over 6 pounds, two weeks early and spent the first six days of his life in the hospital with an I.V. in his head, in and out of an incubator and on and off oxygen. Man, what a way to come into the world. I worked with him as well, got mastitis, pumped, and prayed. This time, I prayed. A lot. It worked. I remembered what it was like with Ella and was so scared of that happening again ( eventhough the thyroid thing was being closely monitored and my blood was drawn every six weeks). Fear washed away after we got home and I realized that, like his big brother, he was going to love breasts. All was well. Then came our trip.

We took a trip to Nashville two months ago. My nipples were already a little sore from Shepherd having had a cold and nursing much more frequetly than I was used to. Then. Came. The Airplane. Whoa. Ouch. Between take-offs, landings, layovers, car rentals, and attempted dinners out, my poor milk producers took a beating. I recovered the best I could before our trip to California, where I had a feeling much of the same would occur. I was right. It was manageable, but it still left me in pain during each and every single feeding. So, now I am to the point where I look at the clock, take a deep breath say a prayer and undo my bra. :(

The pain during feeding would be bearable if I had a crystal ball and could see how much longer this was going to last, or if I knew with complete certainty that, the fact that my clenching, and gritting isn't affecting my milk supply and that is why my child has been screaming every time I put him down for two days now, I might just press on. But I think I have come to that point when I need to look at the situation for what it is; something that I have continued to do because I knew it was the best for Shepherd, something that I have continued to do despite the fact that it makes it impossible for me to lose any weight, I can't go anywhere alone for longer than three hours and I am constantly juggling feeding one child and making sure two others don't play with knives while my boobs are hanging out.

I think I might taper down to only nursing first thing in the morning and then once again right before his bedtime. This makes me so sad and I feel so torn. But, ultimately, I cannot keep fearing the clock, fearing a seven month old, taking the pain out on Steve and the kids because it's just getting too unbearable. And, yes, in case you were wondering...I have tried EVERYTHING. You name it, I've diagnosed it and treated myself for it. What? You detect defensiveness? Well, actually what you hear is guilt. I guess that might be because I feel as though I am in the process of failing my child, in the process of giving up, and I'm just not okay with that.

God ...er Grandma.

We were in the line at the grocery store. I had Shepherd in my arms and Paxton was helping me unload the cart. I looked over every now and then at Ella who is nicely sitting in the front basket of the cart carrying on a lovely conversation with a woman who looked to be in her mid 80's.

Woman to Ella: "That is a lovely blanket you have there."

Ella: "Thank you."

Woman: "Did someone make that for you?"

Ella: "Yeah! God just made it for me yesteday!"

Mommy (thinking 'uh-oh, this woman is going to think we teach our children craziness') says, "Um, Grandma made that for you a long time ago, sweetheart, when you were a baby like Shepherd. Remember?

Ella: "No, God made it".

Okay, well we can't win them all. Sorry Grandma but, in the long run, there are worse things in life than being confused with THE DIVINE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.

friend or foe?

We have a friend hanging above our door, and he's been there for two days now. He sleeps ALL DAY LONG and flies ALL NIGHT LONG. Give up? Yeah, it's a BAT. I am waiting for his wonderful maker to call him back home, before I am forced to take action and help him along myself. Ew.

dinner stress

So after calling, just to double-check, the limousine service for our dinner next Saturday night, I learned that Randolph should not own his own business. He sucks. Randolph sucks. Okay, it might have partly been my fault for not questioning the fact that he never sent me a contract to sign, but I guess I just figured that, like every other man, he wasn't worried about it and that he'd send it a week before. No, not right. Randolph is not like any other man. Thank you Steve for talking to a lovely man named James and saving my ass! We now have even better ( and cheaper, I might add) limo service than we originally had! Yay. ( I just want these people to feel like they bid on something really special. Doesn't being picked up in a limo and drinking champagne til your hearts content make you feel special? Okay, at least a little buzzed....so that even if the dinner you paid $1,300.00 to eat sucks, you'll have no memory of it being bad at all?

Here's the menu that I printed out today ( which looks even more awesome than the invitations, by the way!):

~Baba Ganoush
and
Hummus Bi Tahina

~Roasted Sweet Red Pepper Soup

~Gorgonzola Pear Salad

~Lemon Sorbet

~Roast Leg of Lamb with Moroccan Couscous
and
Courgette Saute'

~ Molten Chocolate Cakes with Sugared Raspberries
or
Sicilian Ricotta and Walnut Cake

Are you drooling yet? Yeah, me too. I really hope it turns out as I am planning. Maybe I'll drink some champagne to loosen up a bit myself! Just kidding. Speaking of that, now I need to work on the wine list. We ordered our bistro aprons today and I think those will really help pull our "outfits" together. I complain about the stress of this, but really I think it will be a TON of fun to do!!

Steve took my newest little brother up flying tonight. It was so sweet to go run out in the backyard with the kids and wave at Daddy and Uncle Cord as they flew over, about 200 feet above our heads, complete with a wing-tip and all. My children have such an awesome dad. My husband is pretty awesome too.

SO tired.

I had a great birthday. It was so busy and wonderful that I am DEFINITELY paying for it today. I am dragging a#@!

The carpet is in and looks amazing. It smells SO good in here! I had a great birthday cake for breakfast with my kids and husband, clad in huge goofy sunglasses and fake bucked teeth, singing the best "happy birthday" rendition I have heard to date. I had a great birthday lunch with a great friend, went to a great birthday dinner my dad, three brothers, one sister, Steve, and Grandma! ( It was sort of funny. I asked Steve if he thought my dad was looking at us thinking , 'whoa, I have five kids sitting right here!' Steve said, '....and two of em are the same age!'. Comic relief never hurts.) Then we went and played a wicked game of nine-man putt putt. Can you believe that I scored one over par?! Happy birthday to me. I rocked.

Since we were out until 10:30 last night, I have been paying for it most of the day. I was fine this morning, but apparently this ol' girl just can't take the late nights like she used to. My goal is to be in bed by 8:30 tonight. Steve is up flying right now, so I just might get it accomplished. He always drags me down, making me stay up later than I want to. Bastard. Not really, but you get the sentiment. It's actually very sweet. He's doing a solo to refresh so that he can take my brother and sister up in a couple days. ;) Sweet.

I had a playdate in Moses Lake today with five other mom's and their respective broods. That was so fun! It's so great to watch the kids interact and to get in some good quality "mommy time" too. I miss my friends there and don't get to see them as often as I'd like. At least I get to see them once a month for book club. The new kindergarten teacher even came to the park. I am really hoping she just jumps right in and people are warm and embracing. That will be my prayer tonight.

I work at Crossroads (formerly 1st Way) on Wednesdays from 11-2. I lucked out today and ALL three kids napped almost the whole time I was there. Shepherd in the clothing room, Ella in the parenting room, and Paxton right out in the lobby. ;) Well, two outta three being discreet isn't bad. I was the only one there today, so it was a little stressful knowing that while I was taking pee samples, running tests, and counseling, at any given moment one could wake up and need to pee.....NOW. I love that whole element of pressure though. It really makes me perform at the top of my game....my pee sample taking game that is. The kids woke up on cue and we headed home to commence the cleaning that didn't get done yesterday, cuz it was MY BIRTHDAY. Poor sucker. I just made it two times worse. I should've just sucked it up and cleaned yesterday too. So, here I sit, exhausted.

Oh, one last gripe. Okay, so I understand having a "laid back" personality. I really do. I have a spouse who is laid back. I have friends who are laid back. That's okay. Really, it is. But, at what point does personality go from being laid back to generally disinterested in ANYTHING? Just curious. I guess what I am saying is that it's so hard to not have your feelings hurt when you are so obviously excited and enthused about something, you share it with a 'laid back' person, and they act like you just told them you are about to take the garbage out. Am I crazy? Can anyone understand this? Arghhhhh.

click.

I just took myself to see the movie "Click" for my pre-birthday gift. Thank goodness we cannot manually fast-forward through any moments in our lives. Can you imagine what we would miss?

plenty of cuteness to go around

We just finished eating our lunch. While we were sitting there, Daddy said to Mommy ," I want you to plan on going to a movie tonight--by yourself". I smiled and Steve smiled, knowing that a) he wanted to give me a pre-birthday break but more importantly that b) he wanted me out of the house so that he could get some things done with the kids ( even sweeter). Then Paxton, in his most precious voice says, " But Dad, what about the kids? The kids should go to a movie too!"

I am going to lunch with a friend tomorrow, but haven't quite figured out how to finesse going to lunch while leaving the children here with Steve, who is working. Oh! And those pesky carpet layers that will be here too. Stay tuned....

Good day.

We had a good day today, beginning with an AWESOME homily from our new priest, Father Milich. (he's Croatian) He spoke about not making Jesus "convenient"--about not trying to domesticate him and make him an easier pill to swallow as we so often want to do. We'd rather look at the sweet picture of the baby Jesus in the manger than the dying Jesus on the cross. We'd rather hear His messages of loving us and forgiving us than to heed His warnings about poor decisions and their consequences. We'd rather look at the beautiful pictures of Mother Teresa with the tiny orphans than to listen to her messages about a "society, that legistates and makes legal the killing of innocent children, being filled with sin--dying a spiritual death and making our blessed Lord Jesus weep". A little heavy for a lazy Sunday evening, I know. Important nonetheless. Good message today. We cannot praise prophets from a safe distance and shrug away from them when their messages get too close for comfort. We'd rather sit in our easy chairs and just keep feeling forgiven.

We went for a long drive after Mass to Mardon, a place I have yet to experience fully. It seemed interesting. Not interesting enough to actually stop and spend time there though. I was content to wave and just keep on driving. Hard to imagine that I could have been so close to it all this time and never have seen it. Glad to have that item checked off the list. Then we went to the park, had ice cream with Grandma and Grandpa, came home and played in the pool.

I am busily preparing for a dinner Steve and I are giving in two weeks. It's a Mediterranean dinner for 8 that we donated to the school auction--a dinner that included hand written, hand delivered invitations, a limousine, lots of good food, wine, music and flowers. Plenty of candlelight to go around and Steve, me, and two friends of ours dressed to serve--white dress shirt, black slacks, and aprons that go from waist to feet. Can you see it now? Can you get a taste? Exciting? Yes. Fun? Yes.
A heluva lot of work? Yes. It is on the 22nd. Prayers accepted.

New carpet goes in on Tuesday, which also happens to be my 27th birthday. How do you know you are getting old? New carpet excites you more than a new outfit, perfume, or dinner and a movie. That's how. Well, that and the fact that I have three kids, have been married for almost six years and no longer relate to anyone under the age of 25.

Off to start our week. We are turning over a new leaf and waking up before the kids so that we can greet them happily, well- rested and ready to go. Hope it at least lasts until Wednesday.

Sunday Six!

Why do people work?
P: Cuz them want to
E: Um, I just don't know.

2. What is your favorite toy at the moment?
P: Emily and Elizabeth. Oh, I forgot Mommy, I like trains.
E: um, um... my drum.

3. Why are there flowers on the Earth?
P: Cuz people like put them on. Cuz them want to eat strawberries.
E: Cuz they're on the questions. ( She is SO smart)

4. What is your favorite movie (cartoon, story or TV Show) at the moment?
P: Thomas the Tank Engine.
E: Thomas the Tank Engine

5. What is your favorite snack?
P: I like lunchtime with strawberries!
E: Um, cookies!!!

6. Why do people drive cars?
P: Cuz them need to drive somewhere.
E: So they can just drive faster!!! ( I don't know who shes's been riding with)

Family redefined.

I learned two things yesterday; 1) we are not defined by the mistakes our parents made and, 2) I still have the ability to be honest and loving, even in the midst of such immense pain it's indescribable.

My father did a wonderful job of not trying to fill the silence yesterday evening as we sat down to dinner. I sat there with my two brothers that I was raised with and looked on with compassion for my sister and my brother that I knew nothing about. At first meeting, they were soft spoken. They remained that way for the duration of dinner with brief moments of laughter, uncomfortable silence, even a little teasing. Lots of looking down at our napkins, tears from me, and laughter from one of my brothers who was clearly as uncomfortable as I was. I realized though, that I loved them. That love that you feel for a child the moment it is born, or the love that you feel when you see a mother being so loving with her handicapped child. That is God's love. The love that he puts in your heart so that you can relate to one another on a human level. I felt love for my brother and sister, instant love.

We got through dinner and I suggested that maybe we all go to the movies together. Nacho Libre was the pick. ( Secretly, I knew I would hate it, but I also knew I was dealing with a 20 year old, two 16-year olds, and a 15 year old. I had to suck it up and go shallow.) The seating arrangement once inside the theater was poetic and in this order; Kellen, Cord, Garrett, Chera, Me, Dad. They fit perfectly amongst us, and it wasn't in the least uncomfortable.

I found out that my new brother is handsome, soft-spoken, gentle, insecure about being thin, and loves athletics. I found out that my new sister is beautiful, freckle faced, drools in her sleep just like I do and has a sweet tooth that won't quit. I found out that when I am uncomfortable I can act like it, instead of filling the silence or feeling the need to fix everyone else's discomfort. I learned that family is family. We don't pick each other. I learned that out of a tawdry affair and a highly dsyfunctional marriage can still come six of the most amazing blessings from God. The six of us. We have each other now. One of us gone to heaven, the others making their way.

Nerves.

We got back from our trip to California on Sunday night and Steve returned from Alaska Monday morning. We all had a wonderful time, me spending a lot of time with cousins and children that I love, and Steve having some R&R, fishing and doing manly things. It is so nice to have our family back together though. Steve and I both agreed that it's hard to go away from your family to get some rest because even when you're not with THEM, they're with YOU. You just can't get those pesky critters out of your head. I guess that's what makes family so beautiful.

Speaking of family, I am meeting my half-brother and sister tonight. Nervous doesn't quite cut it. Terrified feels more accurate. Yeah, terrified. There is so much unknown there. The circumstances surrounding their births is painful. Their arrival in my life now is strange. The relationship that we might or might not develop is surreal. I don't often call someone and ask for support. Today might be the day that I seize the opportunity to reach out and touch someone. I can't really even put words to it, so I don'r really know how to ask for support. It feels even sillier that I should need "support". For what? Why? What is anyone going to be able to say that will make it easier or more comfortable. Other than, of course, the standard "just remember they will be as scared and nervous as you are". I do know that. I guess I am more frustrated with father. Frustrated that I, or they, even have to be in the situation. We are all casualties, my four living siblings and me.

I will post again later. We are meeting tonight, somewhere neutral and of course, equally uncomfortable for all of us. Currently, one of my little brothers is not speaking to me. There is some perceived injustice committed by me. How in the hell could I have even considered being out of town for his 20th birthday? The audacity. Let alone the fact that I only gave him a card and a phone call singing "happy birthday". I am such an arse. So, needless to say, the discomfort of our little meeting tonight will only be emphasized by the fact that one of my biologically "whole" brothers has me on his short list.