Deep thoughts by Ella.

We have been out of commission for a few days since the big move. New construction is a messy, messy, dirty, filthy thing. I have more cleaning to do that I can even describe. But, trudge on I shall. We are making serious headway. Tilers, electricians and plumbers still come in and out during the day, clawfoots and pedestals are left to be set, and trim paint is needed on the stairs. Trudge on we shall. It beats the rental every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

We had a beautiful Christmas, really, with family coming and going and more to come tomorrow. We like to drag this partying business out as long as we can! Happy Birthday, Christ Jesus, and thank you beyond all thank you's for this amazing life and these amazing blessings. We are luckier than we ever deserved.

I don't have much time for further reflection so I'll leave you, for now, with a deep thought by Ella Marie;

"Yesterday is tomorrow that already happened in the past."

Ahem....Confucius? Is that you? Or could it be Yogi Berra?

Merry Christmas.....we're moving!

So, our stint in purgatory is over. 

The rental will see the last of us tomorrow. The season of waiting us upon us and we can see the Coming straight ahead of us. HOPE is in season. Steve, God Bless his heart, has been working out at the house until the wee hours of the morning almost every night this week. Just to get us IN. 

We got the green light from the health department. The building department? They'd like us to put some plywood on the outside of our master bedroom doors leading out to our deck. Because, well, it's probably not code seeing as there is no railing out there just yet. Okay, sure, Mister Building Department Guy, we can do that. 

Merry Christmas, family. We're moving in. Tis' the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la!

 

"Dooooo!!"

Guess who's Dooo? Shepherd is! That's who!

You sang, you ate chocolate pie, you blew out candles, you had a tantrum over a borrowed-for-30-second Thomas coal car, you waved good morning and blew kisses at your big brother and sister, you wanted more milk and since you so sweetly said "peeeease", I gladly gave it to you. It all happened before 7:30 a.m. this morning.

 When we ask you how old you are you emphatically announce, "DOOOO!", with a big one-tooth in-the-center-from-that-nasty-Shepherd-versus-coffee-table-incident grin. 

Oftentimes we talk about how difficult is is to resist the urge to chew on your face. Your cheeks to be precise. They are chubby and full and when you smile, your golden eyes stand out against them like fiery globes of sun.

Your energy exhausts me and inspires me. From the moment you wake to the moment you lay down at night you never cease moving. I love you, my sweet boy. You are either going to keep me young or make me very, very old.

We must be doing something right since I caught you, yesterday, as you were running through the house like a whirlwind, stop by your baby' brothers bouncy seat, give him two gentle, gentle pats on the head, softly lean in and say, "Hi, baby", and then go on about your way. 

Happy 2nd birthday, beautiful boy.

Potentiality.

Me: Paxton, you need to put that money in a pocket or something.

Paxton: I'm just going to leave it right here so it's not a potential problem.

Alrighty then.

Speaking of littleness

I needed this today. I need to be reminded of this in a desperate way. I have been feeling quite in limbo. Moving at a snail's pace and staring at the calendar, counting the days that have passed and those that have yet to pass. Listening to the clock tick and feeling like our lives are on hold. Just a few...more....days. 

This is St. Theresa's Prayer:

May there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing that you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Christ's peace be with you all, my friends, and me. May we rest contentedly in this the third week of Advent, the week of HOPE. 

Littleness.

We're moving. Sort of. In little. tiny. bits. at. a. time. Isn't that how you move when you have four children under six? 

Anyway, I don't have much to share right now since what I really have is way too much to even know where to begin. For now, I'll leave you with this adorable conversation:

Me: Ella, honey, why do your pants keep falling down like that? 

Ella: Like what?

Me: Like that (I say, pointing to the pants she's stepping on.)

Ella: Well...Mom, they're just not the size of me.

Um....yikes.

This is disturbing. I noticed the date was from two years ago. I need to do some further investigation. Dang! I LOVE (d) Starbucks!

Nice endings.

Today's schedule:

9:00am Mass for the HDO; The Feast of the Immaculate Conception.

10:15am Elizabeth Prayer Group meeting until 12:30pm

12:30pm Go home, change the baby's diaper and head out again.

1:00pm Meet Steve for a quick bite after he had dropped off Child #1, #2, and #3 with their grandparents and had been to the appliance store to pick up our fridge, freezer, two washing machines, two driers, two pedestals and attempted to pick up a trash compacter.

1:20pm Head to Home Depot for three hours to pick out 3 pedestal sinks, 3 vanities, 5 toilets, 5 toilet seats, 1 framed mirror, 11 flush mounts, 1 fixture, 1 bar and 1 kitchen and 1 wash sink, two shower rods and a ceiling medallion in a pear tree. Just seeing if you were still reading.

4:00ish leave Home Depot with the van, a borrowed truck and trailer full of aforementioned stuff, and go pick up children 1-3. #4 and I are a packaged deal these days.

5:15 Arrive home with children #2 and #4 (Daddy took #1 and #3 out to the house to drop off all the goods in the garage since installation will begin in less than a week.) Throw together dinner while nursing (yes, that's right) #4 and giving #2 a bath.

6:00pm-8:20pm Eat dinner, light a candle, read another story from our Advent book, play a game, put clothing away, clean house, get kids' jammies, brush teeth, give kisses, say prayers, tuck kids into bed.

8:20-8:50pm Open a bottle of wine, pour one glass for me and one glass for Steve. Sit and have adult conversation with big words and everything. For one half hour. 

8:50-11:00pm Feed the baby one last time and put him down, say goodbye to Steve, drive up to the chapel to sit for two hours. In silence. Prayerful silence. In front of the Blessed Sacrement. For the local Prayer Vigil for Life.

11:00 Come home and give Steve a kiss after I pass the baton so that he can go sit in the chapel until 1:00am. He's the night owl of the two of us, God bless him. 

All in all, if you ask me, we have our priorities straight today. Not all the time. Not every day. But this day? We started it right and we ended it right. 

1)Prayer

2)Person

3)Partner

4)Parent

5)Provider

And it feels good.

 

Update: The Carrier.

I might have to eat my words. It might actually be me.

Dang. 

We'll see when I get tested in another week or so. 

Happy 4th Birthday, Boo-boo.

Ella,

It's been 4 years since the day of your birth. I remember that day like it was yesterday. 

I am amazed that time has flown by as it has. I am amazed at the young lady you have become. I am amazed that you tolerate your brothers, despite the fact that their vocabularies are not as vast, their interest in ponies and babies and princesses is minimal, and their love and fascination with hair product pales in comparison to yours. 

You say things like, "my salvation..", "actually, Mom...", "I love you more than 1000 baby birds.", and "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen."

You love dolphins and you wish you were a mermaid. You asked me the other day if, when you die, you can go to Heaven to be with Jesus and then he would make you into a mermaid. No kidding. You would be a mermaid and he would be a King. King Triton, that is.

You love preschool and wish so desperately that you could just hurry up and be in third grade already. You know all your letters, their sounds, numbers up to 30, colors like "violet" and "magenta", latin prayers and how to play a wicked game of Uno.

You couldn't wait to turn four years old so that you could finally chew gum. For your big party on Saturday, your Uncle Kellen bought you an entire bag full of the stuff. Thanks, Uncle Kellen. Over the last three days, we've only stopped chewing gum to sleep.

I love you, my beautiful girl. I love your dark chocolate eyes, your dimple on your right cheek, and your spirit. I love your energetic and precocious manner. I love the way you elicit conversation with complete strangers (with me close by, of course) and the way you let everyone know, stranger or no, right off the bat, that "we live in a rental".

I love you, Ella. Happy Birthday to you.

The Carrier.

I have lots to blog about. There will be more to come. Rest assured.

Excitement for today? Waking up, knowing that I have strep throat. Again. The second time in two months. It's Steve's fault.

The walk-in clinic physician has a theory. Someone in my immediate family is A Carrier. Since you cannot contract it (or it's highly unlikely)  if you are two years of age or younger, that rules out an entire 1/3rd of my family. That leaves Ella, Paxton, and Steve.

Stay tuned to find out more about The Carrier.

Don't walk. Run.

Buy this book. You will not be sorry. Not one bit. It will change the way you celebrate holidays, feast days, and holy days. Out with secularism and commercialism, in with tradition, beauty, reverence, and family. 

In with family.

God bless you all as we embark on this beautiful season of Advent. May God be with me as I resist with ALL MY STRENGH putting up the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. And to keep it up until the Feast of the Epiphany. Hence....the "Twelve Days of Christmas".

A Thanksgiving Prayer.

This is what my mom will be reading to us before our Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving to you all and my love to you and yours. God Bless you.

O God, when I have food,

help me to remember the hungry;

When I have work,

help me to remember the jobless;

When I have a home,

help me to remember the homeless,

When I am without pain,

help me to remember those who suffer,

And remembering,

help me to destroy my complacency;

bestir my compassion,

and be concerned enough to help;

By word and deed,

those who cry out for what we take for granted.

Amen.

Samuel F. Pugh

Creative play. Daddy style.

Ella: Dad? Dad? Dad? What can we do?

Dad: Ella, go downstairs with Paxton and play "Ship".

Ella: Okay!

seconds later.....

Ella: Dad, Paxton just said that I couldn't be the commander.

Dad: Okay, well... then... you be the one with scurvy.

Creativity. Daddy style.

She ran down and they played. She never bothered to ask what "scurvy" was. 

et tu?

How can it be...

...that you are already old enough for one of these?

Substantive blogging.

I don't feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain. Aren't I supposed to be writing about all things relevant? Important? Life changing? Well, if I am, I am failing. Since having had my fourth child and being all-consumed with all the change going on in our lives right now, I am failing. 

Or, am I thriving?

I feel neglectful, as though things are only being done halfway. That just isn't the case though. When I step back and look at my life I can see all that Steve and I are accomplishing. In leaps and bounds. I suppose it's the being "in it" that takes away from one's ability to "see it". 

I am proud of all that we have done and continue to do. Car battery dead at 4:45 am when you're supposed to be on your way to the airport to catch a  5:50 flight? And there's no one around? No problem. Call a cab, pack up the two kids and get your hinies to the airport without whining, and deal with it when you get back. Six doors for the new house fall off a forklift and have to be re-ordered, thereby setting your completion date back another few days? No problem. Too cold to pour asphalt, necessitating that you wait until spring to really have a driveway of any kind? Just go with it. Brother fighting depression and he lives two hours away and you can't get your hands on him to hug him? In Fr. Corapi's words, "Don't worry. Pray". Baby's schedule completely screwed up because of time changes and traveling? Let it go. He's four months old and if you have to hold him all day long. So be it. He'll only be a baby once. Enjoy the sweet smell of the nape of his neck. All day long.

We're okay. We're blessed. I read the gospel to the kids this morning and was, again, reminded to be grateful. Shut up. Stop whining. Just say "thank you". Jesus heals ten lepers and only one remembers to come back and say "thank you". Am I like that one, or am I too often more like the other nine who go on about their way, never stopping, never going back to say, "Lord, I love you. Thank you. Thank you for this life. These children. This husband. Thank you." ?

The substance of my blog post today is just to say "thanks". And, sometimes that good enough.

Fascinating logic.

Overheard while the kids were playing a game..

Paxton: Okay, Ella, I think I won.

Ella: But, I think I should get one more point.

Paxton: Why?!

Ella: Because I didn't cheat.

Off again!

The auction went well. I am so glad it's over.

In honor of my decision to take November off I thought it would be a good idea for us to travel. To Milwaukee. Tomorrow.

Actually, our flight leaves bright and early in the morning but we are leaving for the hotel by the airport tonight. My cousin, who teaches at Marquette University along with his fiance', is getting married on Saturday. Yay! We're getting out of town! For a wedding no less! Miss Ella and Mr. Roan will be accompanying us while Paxton and Shepherd hold down the fort with Grandma and Grandpa. Having a child in school full time has changed our spontaneity a bit. ;)

I will post about the auction and our trip after we get back. Oh! And, the house? Yeah....it's almost DONE.

Cliffhanger.....

Pete and Repeat.

Same duck costume. Five years and four children later. It's a beautiful thing.

A few reasons to smile today.

Auction update.

We are ahead of schedule! Yes! That's right, AHEAD. The auction has been my focus since about noon yesterday and will be until about noon on Saturday. 

Now I think I'll switch gears for  36 hours or so and focus on my children's Halloween and then All Saints Day. Mass will be in the school gym for that HDO. I hope the parishoners won't be too distracted by all the twinkle lights, black gossamer, sand, bridges, boardwalks, and silhouettes and class projects all over. 

I am practicing not falling apart. One. day. at. a. time.

 

Thanks and no thanks.

First, thank you so much for your prayers. I have felt them. I seem to be having an easier time remembering that the sun will come out tomorrow than I did a few days ago. It's a funny thing that my dad always said while I was growing up, but the phrase usually brings me some peace. I wasn't feeling it on my own though. So, thanks. Good friends can do good things for us.

My brother seems to be walling up a bit. I expected it but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I hate that I can't fix this situation for him. He is heartbroken, feeling guilty and devastated. The woman he hit is still in ICU with many injuries. She is recovering but her life will never be the same. I hate that my law abiding, incredibly studious, perfectionistic and goal oriented 21 year old brother is going to have to live with that. I hate that for him. I know that God will use it but I wish I could help in some way. He fell asleep. It was an accident. That doesn't take any of the pain away though.

I had my Elizabeth group meeting this Saturday morning and I felt myself walling up. I hate being the one that is always crying about this or that, that is falling apart. I refused to give into it and I guess I didn't do such a good job of hiding it. I felt alone and very sad. I felt like I, being one of only two extroverts in a room full of 7 introverts, was required to "do the work" and I just didn't want to this time. I just didn't. I wanted to be able to be a disastrous puddle on the floor and let others support me. But, I didn't trust that they would and so I withheld. I know that so many people rely on me to be positive, speak with energy and enthusiasm, and to lead. I couldn't do that but also couldn't verbalize why. My withholding only ended up hurting more. I had a headache. I came home and quickly realized that I cannot do this alone.

It isn't just my brother's situation that is weighing so heavily on me. My stepfather, whom I have grown to love and respect so much, and who is the oldest of seven children, is dealing with the pain and fear of his wife's disease, the pain of the loss of his father, a pretty serious injury he just sustained while hunting, and now received news that his mother has skin cancer.  My mother, whom I keep growing only closer and closer to since my tumultuous childhood and teenage years, has a disease that progresses despite the fact that I am not ready for it. My brother, whom I love and care deeply for, accidentally injured a woman so badly that she will never be the same. She may not walk well for months or even years. My husband, who I love so much, works day and night trying to juggle being a software engineer, a general contractor, a father, a private IT business owner, and the husband of a wife who seems to be falling apart a bit, trying to do too much and be too much for everyone else. 

The school auction, which I am co-chairing this year, is on Saturday. I will be up at the school every night, from 5-9pm. I have roped my 18 year old brother and the next door neighbor girl into helping our family out. A tank full of gas is usually all it takes to get my little brother over here. The neighbor girl is going to require some cold hard cash I think. But, I am enlisting help so that I don't get more overwhelmed than I already am. So that I can spend some time building sandcastles, bundling grasses, hanging gossamer, setting tables, and painting adirondack chairs while not having to worry that the kids aren't able to have fun. Babysitters are always super fun! Steve can even come and hang out with me! They'll be working date nights!

This year, after building a house, moving into and out of a T...I...N...Y rental, having a baby, organizing a slideshow for a banquet dinner, co-chairing the auction, putting the class project and quilt together, oh.. and trying to raise four kids and be a full time wife and mother, I am ready for a break. I have been telling everyone that I am taking November off. No commitments. Seriously. I mean it. Even though the calendar for November is already full, I am not commiting to anything. Those are all other people's commitments. You know, the five other people that I live with. Because me? I'm not commiting. No thanks. Not this month.

I have to stop and take a breather. Before even lactating starts to feel like too much work.

Prayer request.

I know you haven't heard from me in a good while. I am so sorry for that. Suffice it to say, A LOT has been happening. About which I will fill you in later. 

For now, could you please pray? Please pray for my brother, who was in a serious head-on collision yesterday after we had all left from a family funeral. He is fine. But for the Grace of God, he is fine. Devastated, terrified and fine. The couple he hit is not fine. He fell asleep at the wheel and veered into the oncoming lane, hitting another car's passenger side. The woman occupying the seat in in critical condition. Her name is Chris. Please add Chris, her husband Allen and my brother, Garrett, to your prayers. Please.

God hears us. The more of us there are the easier it is to hear.

Thank you, my beautiful prayer warriors. 

Banquet success.

What a wonderful evening and what a wonderful treat to be able to meet and listen to this, rather young (25) man from College Station, Texas, speak about LIFE. It was an honor and even more wonderful to know that I had already met him when I went to College Station, a little over two years ago, at St. Thomas Aquinas, as we gathered and celebrated my cousin's baby's baptism. (Neither he nor I had any memory of our meeting. I even met his wife and their "Irish Twins". She is a Regnum Christi leader along with my aunt there.)

Sometimes it's a small, small world. I had been wanting to make another visit down because it was just so wonderful, but now I think I'd like to go again because I have another friend who feels as convicted about saving mothers and babies as I do. I am pretty sure that we made enough last night to obtain and operate that ultrasound we've been desperately wanting. Heartbeat International claims that 75-80% of women who have an ultrasound in the first trimester end up choosing life. I like those odds.

 A couple quotes from the slideshow Steve and I put together. I even snuck in a G. K. Chesterton  quote! 

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

-Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor.

"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." 

-G.K. Chesterton

 

Efficiency.

That is me, Ella, Paxton and baby Roan going to the dentist this morning. We all had staggered appointments. The kids had one room and each helped take x-rays of the other with Miss Carrie (the best pediatric (and adult) dentist in the ENTIRE WORLD.) The kids laughed, colored, x-rayed, polished, rinsed and sang songs from "The Little Mermaid". 

Next door, I lay there with baby Roan propped on my lap as I had my own exam and cleaning. He sang his own song, smiled, cooed and laughed through his mommy whining about flossing. I really despise flossing. Really. Natural childbirth? endurable. Flossing? Not so much.

It was a great morning and we were back in time for Paxton and Ella to go out to lunch with Daddy because they were just. that. good. 

I have a school board meeting (and CCD for Paxton) tonight, Crossroads Fund Raising Banquet tomorrow night, (Steve and I are putting the slide show together. With what time? I'm not sure.) and the school auction preparations are well under way. November 3rd? Yeah...it's a long way off, right? No stress. No stress at all. Hey, at least this year I was smart enough to CO-chair it. I feel a November/December hiatus in my future. 

Blessedly busy and blessedly EFFICIENT.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the great kids you did. I am so grateful. What child starts to cry when you have to leave the dentist? Thank you, Lord, for Miss Carrie.

Best contraction ever.

Ella has come up with the best contraction ever. It goes something like this:

Mommy: Ella, you're so tired. You need to go take a rest.

Ella: Why?!

Mommy:  Ella, you are exhausted! You didn't sleep well and you're having a hard time making good choices and behaving.

Ella: No I amn't!

Is it poetic...

that the first room to be completed (with drywall) was the nursery?

or...

that the song that came on first this morning when I put iTunes on "shuffle" was "I'll be Home for Christmas"?

or...

that when the NFP trainer will be here in less than an hour ALL of my children will be sound asleep?

or...

that the five-panel door style that I was afraid to tell Steve that I liked the most is actually the CHEAPEST one?

or.... that my sweet baby, you know, that now 12 week old? He hasn't rolled over once since he did it for Grandma that one night.  Almost as if he's saying, "Mom, don't worry, I won't grow up on your watch."

Now that's poetic.

How can you tell when you are DESPERATELY in need of groceries??

Your husband sees you exhausted, preparing to be gone again tonight to take a child to CCD and says, " Honey, I'll make dinner." You think to yourself that this sounds so nice.

You all end up eating mashed potatoes and turkey bacon. Because really? That's all he could have cooked anyway.

 The grocery store and I MUST see each other tomorrow.

 

While we were gone....

...my sweet 11 week old baby rolled over. At Grandma's house. WITHOUT me around! Bittersweet. Oh, so bittersweet.

Steve and I have been trying to go on "dates" on Saturday nights for a couple hours. We always take Roan, of course, since he's rather attached at times. Quite literally.

We had been invited to an auction. It would last about five hours. I had been pumping a little extra milk and had about 14 ounces. I, of course, have no idea how much Roan eats in the evenings but know that he turns into little "cluster feeder" at the end of the evening, eating almost every hour--from about 6-10pm then promptly falls fast asleep until at least 7 the next morning.

I left all that milk with Grandma, gave her the general outline of his schedule and left my happy, social baby to play with his Grandma for 5 hours. In the back of the van, Steve had packed my "Pump in Style"/two cups and hoses attached to a massive suction structure, thereby making me feel much like a dairy cow. I joke, but that little baby has been such a gift from God. We are going on almost four years and going strong! It took us going through two cheap pumps to finally get a clue that we needed to just spend the money and buy something of quality that would really last.

I digress.

We left. We had a great time. We got back to Grandma's at almost 10:30. Roan was asleep and almost ALL that milk was gone. I had NO idea he ate that much in the evenings! He was sleeping so contently and Grandma really seemed to enjoy her time with just him. Usually, if she watches them she has the older three and Roan goes with Mom. 

As we were walking in the door to pick him up:

Grandma: He was great. 

Us: Oh, good. He's sweet isn't he?

Grandma: Yeah, we even got to see him roll over.

Us: WHAT?!

Grandma: Yeah, I didn't know if that was something he had done already but he was playing on the floor and just rolled over.

Me: That's why I felt so good about not having my kids in daycare!  So I wouldn't miss those things! 

We laugh together.

I am so glad that if Roan was going to roll over on someone else's watch that it was Grandma's watch. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. 

I just have to remember that when I think he might be close to crawling I need to stay home.

For good.

He finally said it!!

"Mama". My son finally called me "mama". I pulled up, and he said, " Hi Mama!"

Now he's been calling me Mom. I guess formality is no longer necessary around here.

A fix you want, a fix you'll get.

Here it is. Proof that our lives are changing faster than the speed of sound. 

How do you know your children attend a Christ centered school?

Your child comes home with a guardian angel pinned on the shoulder of their uniform shirt. And that prayer to their Guardian Angel that you pray with them before they leave for school in the morning? They say that at school too. Because it's the Feast of Guardian Angels today, that's why.

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to who God's love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light, to guard, to rule, to guide. Amen.

And Thursday? For the feast of St. Francis of Assisi? The priest will have a  "blessing of the animals"--all the students' pets from home. ( All of us parents will be taking care of the transport to and fro, of course). Is that awesome, or what? Seriously.

You're not even going to believe what they have planned for All Saints Day!

Clarification.

Steve was the only one out at the house last night until 2am. He brought the kids home and met me here at 7ish. They went to bed. I went to bed. Steve went back to work.

What? Did you think for a second that we were Crazy? Our kids are in bed by 7:30. The end.

How is it possible?

My husband the most amazing "geek" I have ever known. A handsome, charming, funny, articulate, emotionally available, incredibly handy, left-brained geek. 

While I was gone all day Steve installed the central vac, the coax, speaker wire, and fiber throughout the entire house yesterday and last night, with four kids running around no less. He got home at 2 am. I didn't even hear him come in. 

Thank you, love. You continue to amaze me. I am so sorry that we seem to be two ships passing in the night right now. Saturday nights are officially "date nights". Even if we just sip camomile tea on the front porch for two hours while a babysitter plays with the kids in the house. We're making each other a priority.

We are making the possible a reality. The end.

Good Foundations.

Many of you know that I am actually in two different scripture study women's groups. One I started in my own town that we are calling an Elizabeth Group, and a less formal one in a neighboring town. I am sure, not long from now, I will have to limit myself to only attending the one here, in my own town. But, I have grown so close to all of the women, sharing very intimate prayer requests and details about my life that I can't imagine severing that close connection. My current life is proof that all those prayerful friends are powerful. So, I'll keep up with the two different bible studies/Catholic life book clubs two Saturday mornings a month for now. We'll just revisit that one later. For now, I need the time for just me, to improve Nicole.

It was my job to pick the next book for one of the groups and bulk order it. Ten books arrived yesterday. Ten amazing books that are going to knock all of our socks off. Michaelann Martin's Women of Grace. It's a bible study for married women. In the preface she speaks of many stay- at-home moms becoming isolated and lonely.

Michaelann writes, "They fall prey to watching daytime television as their only source of education and affirmation. Games shows tend to trivialize life, soap operas fill us with romantic notions that breed dissatisfactions with our so called "hum-drum" lives, and talk shows give a false sense of success when we view ourselves in light of all the train wrecks in others' lives. All of them give a disproportionate view of life, without even coming close to addressing the real reason that we are all here in the first place: to know, love, and serve God in this life in order to be with Him in the next."

We turned off cable in our house almost three years ago. We still have a television to watch movies, but no direct t.v. It has benefited the kids, I believe, but mostly it has benefited me. I am the one who got addicted to watching others lives instead of living my own. In Psychology classes they'll refer to what Michaelann is talking about as using "downward counterfactuals." That means looking at others' train wrecks and believing that you're "doing pretty well". "See? I could be that lady!"

That doesn't help anyone. Ever. We never grow when we always compare ourselves to what or who is "worse". We are supposed to be looking up, looking at what's better, emulating those whom we see as doing better--having true happiness.  "I may be a drunk, but at least I'm not on the streets." "I may babysit my kids with the t.v. all day, but at least I'm not swearing at them." " I may scream at my kids all the time but at least I don't beat them." " I may never exercise, but at least I don't smoke." Okay, you're getting the point.

So, back to this book...It's going to be phenomenal. Mrs. Martin recommends reading Galatians 5:22-25 and Catechism, no. 1832, before beginning. After reading them, now I am so anxious to get started!

In other news, my beautiful husband has been out of town for four days now. Four LONG days. It doesn't just feel like it should be Saturday already, it feels like it should be NOVEMBER already. I miss him SO much. The early mornings and evenings are the hardest times for me. For obvious reasons. I am used to operating solo all day but having nobody around in the evenings makes the sprint at the end of the marathon particularly grueling. Come home soon, Love. We all miss Daddy. Just two more days to go.

 

On second thought....

Finally, I have the time. The time to reflect, write, breathe. The time to give back.

Our lives have been busy. Like all of you, our lives are busy. I don't mean to use that as an excuse, rather I mean to use it as a way to apologize. I feel like I need to apologize for neglecting friends, family, and God. Most importantly, God. I began a Novena 27 days ago--of which I only actually completed about 22 days. Now, I should be on the the "thank you" part of the Novena. I am just so tired at the end of the evening and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

Imagine if God used that excuse. "Nicole, I'm really sorry. I'm just tired. I've been so busy doing other things and helping other people that I just don't have time for you."

Lord, I am sorry. Help me to figure out the best way to do this. Holly Pierlot speaks in her book, A Mother's Rule of Life, about the 5 P's. The 5 P's are; 1) Prayer, 2) Person, 3) Partner, 4) Parent, and 5) Provider. Your life should be prioritized in that way. Mine looks a bit more like this; 1) Provider, 2) Parent, 3) Partner, 4) Prayer, and finally 5)Person.

So, looks like God and myself? We're last. I need help with that. Things are beginning to normalize a bit now that Paxton has started a REGULAR school schedule, all day every day. For the last two weeks it has only been three days a week-with Ella's preschool on alternating days. I didn't know whether we were coming or going. We also started keeping the neighbor boy at our house after school since his parents both work in a neighboring town and don't get home until 4:30ish. We wanted the boy to begin at St. Rose so badly that I offered to pick him up after school to make it easier for them to bite the bullet and send him. He is a beautiful boy and his heart is so big. It wasn't a difficult offer to make. But, it is one more person to be responsible for in this Very. Tiny. Rental.

I am co-chairing the annual school auction this year, set for Nov. 3rd. Steve and I are going to create a slide show for the pro-life resource center's annual fundraiser on Oct. 18th. I commited to make the Kindergarten class project for the auction--which will be a quilt with each child's footprint on it, amongst many other "beachy" items in a sandbox. Have I ever quilted in my life? Uh, no. Here's to the local quilt shop and I developing a VERY good friendship.

When Paxton was an infant I remember being impatient. I wanted him to sit up, then walk, then talk, then run. I couldn't wait for the next phase of his development. I was just so excited to see him grow. Now, I find myself in the quiet of the evening looking at my sweet baby Roan and wishing I could just push the "pause" button. I just want time to stop for one moment. I love his sweetness, his smell, the way he cuddles under my chin. I love the way he needs me in his own unique way and I feel sad that I didn't just stop and enjoy it with all my children. I wish I could rewind and do it all over with each of them. Roan is already almost 3 months old. I cannot believe how quickly life is passing. While I am so busy, doing this and that, going from here to there, life is quickly passing. I don't want to miss my children being young. That is why I stay at home with them. That is why. And, yet, I am still missing it.

I have a gross inability to say "no". People know that about me. I know that about myself. And, short of becoming a recluse and cutting off all contact with people, I don't know how to balance yet. I am learning, I think. Maybe not.

Pride is such a character defect. I don't like to admit that I might not be able to do something, to accomplish something. I don't like to say, "Sure, I'd love the help" when inside, I really would love the help. I have spoken with friends before about motivation and drive being instilled in me at a very early age. Both of my parents had a good work ethic instilled in them and neither of them are very tolerant of themselves if they are feeling or acting "lazy". A good friend of mine said that the word "lazy" just wreaks of judgement. It does. It really does. "Unmotivated" sounds much better. But, no matter what I call it, it's the same to me.  For me, the thought of someone thinking I am lazy makes me cringe. I hate it. And, why? It's sloth. It's gluttonous. It's greed. It's ....ridiculous. If I take a day to play at the park with my kids or take the phone off the hook, I highly doubt anyone is going to be confronting me about my lack of motivation. I do it to myself.

For some, I am sure it's a challenge to keep themselves active and motivated. And that's okay. That's their challenge. That's not mine. My challenge? To stop constantly judging myself against others. To stop obsessing about what I am or am not doing, where I am or am not going, what I will or will not commit to. My judgement of others is really my judgement of myself and my fear of  self worthlessness. My fear that someone might deem me relatively insignificant. Not a contributing member of society. How horrible to admit.

Isn't the very thing that God asks of us contrary to that? Doesn't He ask us to be humble, to go unnoticed and unappreciated, to not seek fame or notoriety? Doesn't He ask us to serve without reward, to give without fail, to sacrifice without acknowledgment? Not to pout? Not to whine? To stop complaining? 

I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about worrying that people might see me as lazy. I have been complaining about missing babies growth. I have been complaining about being busy. I have been complaining about being blessed.

My babies are healthy and growing. What a blessing. My life is busy and filled with friends and family with whom I can laugh and serve. What a blessing. I am a mother and a wife, who is needed every second of the day. What a blessing. I have the ability to say "yes". What a blessing.  I have SO many wonderful things in my life I am forced to worry about "prioritizing". What a blessing.

What was I complaining about again?

Oh! Another tidbit because that's all I have time for.

 The iPhone? Yeah, it totally rocks.

Ditto.

I was going to try to carve out some time today to explain what's been going on in our lives and just how busy we have become over the last two weeks. Then....I read Celeste's blog entry. I don't really think I even need to write anything more. 

Thanks, Celeste. ;)

Introducing..... Jethro.

Shepherd was a total champ. Our day went something like this: Drug Shepherd up with a prescribed dose of tylenol with codeine. Drive to chiropractor to get Mommy back to her full head turn capacity so she can resume doing "the sprinkler" while dancing at all those parties she doesn't go to, while Uncle Kellen plays with drunk Shepherd and lovingly holds bobble head baby Roan. Load babies back up and head to Dentist. Dentist (aka VERY good friend Dr. T, or Miss Carrie) tickles baby Shepherd while Uncle Kellen holds him and Mommy and Baby Roan step outside the room to hit the x-ray button each time Dr. T yells "Take it!" Dr. T. looks at pics while we visit and concludes that, yes, indeed that tooth will turn black. It will NOT fall out on its own however. We would just have to watch for infection. We decide together that for all parties involved it would be easier to just let go. We said goodbye and mourned the premature loss of the baby tooth. Uncle Kellen exited to the lobby with a very sleepy bobble headed baby Roan and Mommy climbed up in the chair, held drunken Shepherds arms against her, and helped Dr. T distract him with a hot pink plastic fish. The fish was funny. Really funny. Funny enough that he looked up and underneath him came The Pliers.

It took all of about 1.6 seconds for her to pull the tooth. He cried, I guazed, all was well. For lunch he ate two biscuits and promptly slept for almost three hours. He is back to his feisty, hilarious, loud self. Bruiser is still Bruiser. He's just going to be a toothless Jethro sort of Bruiser for the next four to five. Hey....maybe we should look into gold. I'd hate to see him get mugged for his tooth though.

I will blog more later. It's been too long and our lives have been busier than I care to continue

Proof that it's a good idea to make sure you are friends with at least one dentist.

Shepherd ran toward me. He tripped over the carpet. He fell onto the coffee table. His tooth broke his fall. No, no it's not chipped, cracked, or broken. It's just resting comfortably from whence it came. Back up inside his gum. The plans I had for Monday? Yeah, nevermind. We'll be sitting comfortably in Dr. T's chair--likely having that tooth pulled out. 

And to think I was nervous about Paxton loosing his first tooth sometime this year because he's a Kindergartner now. I should have guessed Bruiser would be first. 

And you shouldn't worry. Shepherd only cried for a minute, took a couple big swigs of water and then commenced enjoying his quesadilla. 

Pain tolerance? High. Risk awareness? Low.

Appropriate programming for toddlers.

Last night Steve kept Ella with him while he was doing some work for a client at their office (He has his own business on the side and does some consulting). Ella entertained herself in various ways, one of which was watching television. TLC to be exact.

This was a conversation Steve and I had last night:

Me: So, Ella did alright keeping herself occupied?

Steve: Yeah, she did. Oh, and in case she she tells you that she has a friend on her shoulder tomorrow, you should know that she was watching a show about conjoined twins. 

Bona fide Catholic.

On this day, Mary's birthday, it seems a good day to be baptised too.

What a glorious day, a shared baptism and God's love all around. My Godson and my own son are united in a beautiful way; one born on the feast of St. Benedict, the other, named Isaiah Benedict.

Is it okay to cry now?

Paxton and Ella's first day of school was today. 

My big, five year old kindergardener let go of my hand and reached out for his new teacher's. He was timid, nervous and uncertain. His sister, on the other hand, my little three year old preschooler, let go of my hand and RAN for her teacher's. We all (Steve, myself, Paxton, Shepherd and Roan) walked Ella into her classroom to show her her desk, and familiarize her with the room. I began with, "Okay, now, Ella, let's find your name and put your things.." when she interrupted me. "Okay, bye!!!", she cheerfully exclaimed. 

We left Ella's room and made our way down to Paxton's classroom. He held tightly to my hand as Steve, the babies and I walked him down the hall. I glanced back over my shoulder to see Ella already completely comfortable and playing happily with the other children.

Paxton kept his head down and his posture suggested a little fear. His teacher (who is a good friend and in one of my prayer groups) came right over and welcomed him. She even suggested a 'photo op', which delighted my heart. I wanted to cry right then, as I lifted the camera to take a picture of my son at his first big boy desk with his new teacher. 

Roan was in the bjorn, Shepherd was in Steve's arms. It felt like the end of an era. We were about to say goodbye and go home with only two children--leaving two others behind.

This is our first day.

By the way, you can see Roan's godmother (my good friend who just had her baby last Monday that I blogged about) in one of these shots. She's the other mom, with the newborn baby (my new GODSON!) in the Bjorn. That's her son, walking right behind Paxton for HIS first day of Kindergarden. Her other son was happily playing right alongside Ella for HIS first day of three year old Preschool. :)

 

Absolutes.

Me: Okay, kids, it's time to go.

...after we are in the van headed home...

Me: That was fun.

Ella: Did I leave with a good attitude, Mom?  ( I have told the kids that if they leave with a good attitude and don't pout or whine, we can always come back--to wherever it might be)

Me: Yep, you sure did!

Ella: Then.....can I absolutely come back?

Me: Absolutely.

I could get used to this.

Okay, I'll admit it. I now LIKE posting photos. It was a big step for me. But, dang it, it's just such an easy way for me to chronicle the changes in our lives. And, it's fun too! I am now over the fear of exploiting my children. They're cute. 

We decided to make a family trip out to the house again tonight to see some of the changes. Steve, working out there all day from his camper, gets to see the change as it happens so, to him, it seems much less dramatic I am sure. To me? Whoa. I swear something major changes every day.

I really try not to get attached to "things" and I am trying to keep myself in check about whether my excitement is about the building process (which I love), the designing process (which I love), the decorating process (which I love), finally having the ability to host many, many people for holiday dinners and Sunday afternoon brunches (which I WOULD love) or whether it's about the house. I don't want it to  be about the house. I want my excitement to remain being about creating something wonderful and beautiful and exciting for my family....and one day? For someone else's family. So I will keep sharing the process with you all. I will just share it because it's....well, it's cool. Really cool. And really fun. 

The end.